PG-13 love

I want PG-13 love as much as I want X rated love...actually more, in fact. I want the hand holding, lying in bed together with the sheets covering all the good parts. I want lying on the couch fully clothed, talking about life and passionately making out, still fully clothed. Now don't get me wrong, I want all the naked stuff too, but all that stuff comes after all the PG-13 stuff. I want a love that's raw and real and honest. So maybe that part's not PG-13. Why is love so hard to find? It seems like if you didn't find it in college or before you hit about 28, you're pretty much screwed. So what about the people who didn't realize that what they wanted was the opposite of what they thought they always wanted and they were pushing 31 at the time?? What then? Where does that put me? Am I now 21 again, starting over on a different team? I'd like to think that, because then I have all the time in the world. What are the rules? Because I think there are rules. I seem to break all the rules anyway, so maybe it doesn't even matter. Unless you're almost 32, single and have been for 6 and a half years with not so much as a date, just switched sides, and grew up watching way too many Disney and rom-com movies, then you don't get a say it what I'm about to say. I have to find someone to spend my life with, or my life will never be complete. There has to be a reason I'm still single and I haven't figured it out yet. Here are the options: 1) there is something wrong with me that nobody is seeking me out or attracted to me. 2) God does not love me or trust me enough, to give me that special someone to care for to death do us part. 3) the right girl for me is currently in a relationship and therefore not looking for me, so as much as I try I'm not going to find her until she ends it with her current chick. And the worst possibly answer and I hope to God it's not true 4) I am going to be alone forever and never find anyone, because I'm not meant to be with anyone, I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of  my life. I really really hope that the answer is number 3 and not 4. I feel ready. I know who I am, I'm confident, I'm ready to work on a relationship. Maybe I want it too much, but I can't want something less. Do you want your kids less? Do you want your house and your food and your job that pays for everything less? No! This is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm not saying I can never have happy moments without this, because I have a lot of them, all the time, but I would only have more with that forever someone. And I would have sad moments and really tough moments too, I'm not a hopeless romantic idiot. But I know what I need and I do need this kind of love. This PG-13 love and more. Mollie helps, but she's not enough. Maybe having someone won't fill the void, but gosh darnit let me try! 6 and a half years of complete silence and utter lack of love is breaking me down. it's literally killing me. I go to the doctor on Monday and I'm wondering if I should ask if my body seems to be deteriorating from lack of love, because it feels like it. I need the weight of another human being on me. I'm not the kind of person willing to pay for this...well except for massage therapy. But the body goes with the spirit and soul and those would also be fed through the emotional connection of my soul mate, the deep impact of loving each other passionately with all our hearts. Caring about what the other thought about each other and wanting to better ourselves for that person and growing everyday. Showing that person and telling them how much they are appreciated, how much they are loved. I have no one. I can go a whole weekend without any friends checking in with me. I have a text relationship with the majority of my friends due to the fact they don't live near me or they just have more important people to spend their free face to face time with... ie: their own soul mate and or children. I want that. I don't think they deserve it more than me. We don't deserve anything. Love is a gift. I feel like I give it and I get it too from some of my closest friends, but not the consistency and intense level that they are receiving it from their most close loved ones. They ones THEY spend every day face to face with. I know I am blessed. I know I am more blessed than other people out there that barely are getting by. So it's not about what everyone else has, it's about what I need as a human being to survive in this crazy world. Love is everything. To those that have had it for the past 10 years and are the same age as me, you are the most luckiest human beings in the world and I hope you know that. Lucky is the word I choose. Blessed to me means that God would choose to bless some over others with the exact same thing they both want, and I don't like that at all. Lucky is more appropriate. The friends who have found someone that loves them and wants to be in their life everyday, they have won the lottery! Truly! I mean, the odds are about the same, when you look at the entire world as a whole. I don't know the real statistics, but I can only imagine the odds are stacked against us. Or maybe I'm just looking at Hollywood...But look at the ads and commercials. They all involve families. Granted they need to have more same-sex families portrayed in them, JC Penny does have this in their paper ads, but no one really looks at them anymore. But the point is, I think we are drilled into us from the moment we see our first TV show, movie, commercial or ad as a child...we have to find someone to spend our life with and start a family. If you are like me and were raised in the church, this is a much better example. The sad lonely 40 year olds or however old they were when I was a kid, were pitied, because they didn't have the wife/husband and at the very least 2 kids. That's really what the church caters too and thus telling their children they must want exactly this and seek this out. I can tell you right now, I just want ONE kid. Logistically, financially, emotionally, and for my sanity, I just want one. And not alone either! I won't have any if I don't get married. No way hose! (I can't figure out how to do the spanish accent mark) haha. I SO do not want to raise a child by myself, of my own choosing. I literally don't think I could handle it. I think I'd cry every day from lack of alone time. I've been single for 10 years after college and lived alone for the majority of it. Momma's used to her ME time, that's for sure. If I had gotten married right out of college, like so many others, (I would no doubt be really unhappy right now), but I probably would have 3 or 4 kids right now. Maybe I would love having that many kids. I used to want that, but times have changed. I'm too old to have that many, unless I want 3 in diapers, which I DO NOT. Life is funny. Life isn't always PG -13. My life seems pretty G rated (with all the babies I spend my days with for my job)...it's maybe PG on occasion. It gets R-rated when I'm in the car in traffic, or some teeny tiny random thing sets me off at home, but the big things of life I don't cuss at. Maybe that's why I cuss at the small things, the things I think I should be able to control...since I know there's no way in the world I can control the big things of my life. I wish I could. Maybe my next blog post I will write about my vision. The girl I visualize whenever I can, mostly in the car when I'm driving, for some reason. I think maybe because my head is clear on those drives in between home visits. Maybe she will appear like in the movie Ruby Sparks. Only I will not try to control her. I don't try to control people or big things. I know better than that. But how cool would that be if I wrote her and then I met her out in this crazy world. That would be awesome. To be your own rom-com; PG-13...and then eventually R...anything's better than my G rated life. ;o)