I got a letter from Baylor, my Alma Mater. The first sentence goes, "I am sure it is hard for you to believe that almost 10 years have passed since you were a student at Baylor University." In some ways he's right, I can't believe it. 10 years? It gives me a pang in my stomach thinking about that. What the fuck? I know I have done a lot in 10 years, I've lived in Colorado, moved out there all alone knowing no one, starting a new life there. Not many of my friends I graduated from Baylor with can say that. A lot of them started a new life WITH someone. I've had 3 jobs at 3 different Early Childhood Intervention programs. I've helped gosh 100 babies and their families struggling with and learning of their child's developmental delays and disabilities. Maybe even more, I was never good at math. I practically failed "Math for elementary teachers" at Baylor. True story. I did not know what the hell they were talking about in that class. It made no sense to me. And since I couldn't learn how to break down math and teach it in a different way in that class, I knew it wouldn't be possible out with the children of the world. I fell in love with ECI at Baylor during my practicum class. I went to smelly homes and sat on disgusting floors, with the cockroaches, but I was teaching a baby the first steps of their life. The first developmental moments, and that felt really good. Changing their life and teaching parents to help their own child. Empowering them (that's a really hard thing to do.) But this blog isn't about my job. I know this last year has been a HUGE transition and life change for me. Coming out to oneself, friends, family, others out there in the world that you interact with is a huge deal. It was exactly one year ago that I began to have feelings for a straight friend and started this long process and journey. A LOT of self reflection, counseling, crying, unsureness, and an amazing weekend last summer at a friend's ranch out in the countryside in the middle of nowhere (all alone with no outside world or media distraction), all were part of my journey I took to get here. And I have amazing friends that in the beginning really allowed me to process this with them with no judgement and just love and acceptance. Jen, Amy, Bekah and Natalie, if you read this, I love you and I am so thankful to have you in my life! Y'all rock.
I don't want to say it. I don't want to say what I'm always thinking. Why am I still alone after 10 years as a real adult in the real world? Why after 10 years has everyone I was friends with at Baylor (and I mean everyone), have a husband that loves them and most even have children? I want them to have all that. I wouldn't change that even if I had the power to control lives. But if I did have the power, I would drive a force out into the universe and draw my love to me. Like a magnet. I would pull her to me. Even when I didn't know I was gay, I would just pull LOVE to me. It could have come in either body. I don't know what I would have done with a male body, it's weird and gross. Lol. But what have you, I would use a literal force of energy like lightening bolts to pull 'em to me. Not in the "laws of attraction" type of way, just in the magical powers like in Harry Potter kind of way. I know a "spell" would be bad, because they wouldn't have a choice to come to me. But maybe just my willpower would send her to where I was, at the exact same moment in time. So we could meet and fall in love and live both happily (and unhappily at times) ever after. Maybe I am pulling her to me slowly. But I wish it was more quickly. It frustrates me to no end that this hasn't happened yet. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I have to be perfect and whole and have the confidence of a lion in order to have someone to love. That's not fair. Not everyone in this world that has someone was like that when they met each other. This lady I met at this group meeting who I swear was like a mind reader or fortune teller or something, totally "read" everyone in the room. After she gave a talk and had watched everyone listen and react to her or even speak up, she went around the room pointed out every one's "flaws" or maybe lets just call them "qualities" that make them who they are. One girl makes jokes because to be serious is too scary. One girl could get walked all over because she's too nice and quiet. And me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I'm very self aware and care too much what people think of me. I have to agree with the first 2 things. But I don't think I really care too much what people think, but I can see how those things can go together. She didn't know that the mere fact that I go to events and groups and social gatherings with people I've never met, is a really huge deal for me. That it was really hard for me to get out there and take a risk with people again, after the extreme loss I felt after college and when Colorado nose dived into the group, socially. I can't say that I even enjoyed 95% of the new groups or events or social gatherings I've tried. Every once in a while I do. I really enjoyed the coming out workshop at church. It was very helpful and supportive and beneficial and I even made a couple new friends from it. Even one that happen to live 4 houses down, how crazy is that?! She's right I'm not comfortable with new people because I don't know them yet. I don't know their personalities, I don't know if they are going to be in my face, abrupt, with no filter and call me weird to my face...true story. It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying to meet people, I keep getting back on the horse. You never know who you might meet, or who might know someone that you need to meet through them. I haven't had ANY success with that yet, and believe me I've asked people...
I feel that I've digressed from where I began, and I apologize for that. I think my head is full of a lot of stuff tonight. Also in the back of my head is saying to me- remember you are going to join match.com and okcupid this weekend! You gotta work on your profile! But then I remember how long and hard I worked on my eharmony one several years ago and no one wanted to talk to me or go out with me, so I think I may just throw this one together and not think too hard on it. I think people only care about pictures anyway. Unfortunately that's the way the world works...
But back to Baylor! Yeah so 10 years is a really long time. In some ways it went by fast, but remembering memories from there...it does seem like a million years ago. When my hair was as short as a boy's and my denim overalls were my favorite outfit to wear. They don't cling to your stomach, how could there be anything better??
A lot DOES happen in 10 years. But it only takes a day or a moment for your life to change. I am thankful that this moment my cat is playing out back and I'm feeling the cool breeze come in through the window and that I'm relaxing in my amazing home decorated to the T exactly the way I want, with pictures and collages and words and COLOR and I don't have to change a single thing if I don't want to! I may not have anyone in my life telling me or showing me they love me on a regular basis. But I do have friends that love me no matter what. I may hardly see them it feels like, but they would be there for me if I needed them...even if it's just in text form. Thank god for text. I mean, seriously. I would be SO much more lonely and full of despair and feelings that no one loves me or cares, if text message hadn't been invented. Even if my friends are busy with life or love or wrangling kids, they can still at some point (most of the time), respond to a text with a kind word or acknowledgement that I still exist. Isn't that what Facebook is about? Reminding the world that we exist. Look at me! Don't forget me! Someone love me! It's all about YOU on your page. Even if you are talking about something other than yourself, it's still something that interests you or explaining how you feel about a certain situation or event.
So I feel like this blog initially started out with ONE focus, but merged into many more topics or focuses. But that's why it's called Christie's contemplations, with a "s." The moral of this story is: come up with your own moral. I'm not a fable book writer! ;o)
And don't forget that even if you're not where you thought you would be, 10 years ago, you've still done a lot and grown a ton and contributed to the world in a million ways. My contribution isn't a couple kids I bore and share a home with, it's a hundred kids! I don't have just one love I see everyday and care for with such focus and intent, but rather many friends I love and care for and would be over at their house in 2 shakes, if they ever needed me to be. I love my godsons as if they were my own children, and my cat as if she was my an actual child. I don't love my friends as if they were my lovers..haha..because if I did the awkwardness would kill the friendship..and now I've killed this blog with that comment. So pretend I ended it before that last comment. And don't forget to still try, and still love, even if it doesn't immediately come back to you or bring that special someone to you, one day it will. One day it'll just happen, and boom. everything is yours. I'm not just talking to the blogosphere..I'm talking to myself. Don't ever give up on love. Love will find a way. I'm pretty sure I stole those lyrics from a song :op
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