One of the biggest truths about life I've learned (at least about my own, I can't speak for everyone else's, I never do, that's why this blog is called "Christie's Contemplations) is that those moments when you feel like you can't take it anymore, when you feel so incredibly lonely and sad and deprived of the love you so desperately want. Those moments don't last forever. They do come back, sometime more often than you like, but even when I feel beaten down and unloved and ready to crawl out of my skin because being in it without someone to hold me tight or kiss me passionately feels just wrong, and incomplete and like I might die without someone's touch. Those moments are NOT ALL my moments. The phrase "this too shall pass" isn't completely out there. I think "pass" makes it seem like it can't come back, that's it's passing through on a one-way trip somewhere, never to return. But this longing to be held and kissed and touched by someone that loves me intimately and passionately and doesn't have any intentions to hurt or use me; well, that feeling returns over and over again. It's round-trip, it does a U-turn and comes right back. But it doesn't always come back quickly. It doesn't always come back at record breaking speeds. It can sneak attack me, it can go school speed limit slow, it can vacation somewhere for a week or more and then decide it's time to leave wherever it was, and come back to visit me again. But I've learned that it's ok. It is life and I can't do a whole hell of a lot to stop it from returning over and over again. I feel like big picture wise, I can't do anything to "change" my situation of perpetual singleness, and since hiring a prostitute to come over is never and will never be an option, I have to just learn to "get through" this moments where I just want to cry from lack of love. Rocking like an orphan who has never been held before, doesn't even work anymore. There is no cure for lack of physical intimacy, but there are some treatments that can be a bandaid for what only surgery can cure. The main one being forking out a little money on groupon for a massage. You always get a different person/business, so there's not even that consistency of that same person in your life, but at least it doesn't break the bank, and the more I can get, the better. And would I really want the same masseuse every time anyway? Nothing good could come from getting attached to your masseuse. TV shows and movies help too, because they provide a distraction in that moment. They take you to another place, another world, another life that isn't your own. It's an escape that I think in the grand scheme of things is way healthier than using drugs, alcohol, food or even sex itself as a distraction from what you really want and need. You have to be careful sometimes of what you watch, but luckily I don't really "envy" the lives of the characters on my shows. Because obviously something is going wrong in their lives, or it would be one boring show. Now the kisses and such. Aah. whatever. I'm 32, so I've seen enough of them in my lifetime that it hardly phases me anymore. It's like a Gynecologist. It's like an elbow to me. (I'm going to pretend like that made sense and move on...)
Writing is also a great means of expression and distraction. I always feel better after I send out my blog to the Universe. Whether the Universe or God Himself truly cares if I find love...well, I just don't really know about that. The jury's still out on that one. But it makes ME feel better to have my words out of my head and heart and body and thrust out into the great beyond. Somebody in Saudi Arabia could be reading this blog. Probably not, but it's possible. And they are probably shaking their head at my sad little problems. But oh well. He can start his own blog and call it whatever he wants. Like "what is this Christie girl's problem?"
I also really love making stuff. That's a general term that has no real meaning, but that's because there's no way to really explain all the things I make in one term. Maybe creations?? I put that down as where I feel safe (the other day at the young adult bible study group) "my house with my cat and my creations." Looking back it kind of sounded like I was Frankenstein and didn't really explain what "creations" actually meant. One recent example is I got this small decoupage woman's dress form mannequin and painted it and put all kinds of stickers with words and pictures describing the type of woman I want for my life, to be my love. Words like: trust, teammates, forever, smart, cute, funny and happy. It's sitting right here next to me, on my desk next to a small vase of beautiful fake (but very real looking) flowers. Every collage or creation I make, has my heart in it. It is all of who I am, of what I love, and of what means the most to me in this life. Without the ability to make all of these things, I would be on the verge of bursting out of my shell or the opposite would happen; I would shut down completely and give up totally. Thank God I live where there are Michael's and JoAnn's Fabrics around.
I feel that when I bring up how I am feeling about all this, to my friends, I don't really get a response back from them. They don't feel "bad" for me, or even just say they understand what that feels like and that it must be hard. It's like they don't even "get it," this extreme need and desire and longing I have, to have my physical human contact needs met by that one person I'm connected to emotionally (by the way, not a stranger or someone I just met, or a friend that is only going to ever be a friend). Maybe they are too uncomfortable to talk about it, or maybe it's just they can't relate at all. They can't even remember what it feels like to not have that in their life. They have been held at night in bed for years. They were kissed this morning. They hold hands with their husbands anytime they are walking down the street. I think once you have that, you can't remember what it feels like not to. It's like it's all been erased. It's like the opposite of what happens in "Eternal sunshine for the spotless mind." Great movie by the way. I watched it far too long ago, when I was young and couldn't relate to it at all...I need to watch it again...But I remember she erased him from her memories. Never to remember both the good and bad of him and their life together. The opposite happens when you meet someone and finally have all that "stuff." Sure all that "stuff" becomes less and less intense and passionate I'm sure. But that's why marriages are work and not prizes to be won and lotteries so big it's impossible to spend all that money in one lifetime. I'm not saying that physical touch in love will make everything perfect in your life, that it's some kind of be all end all. But it's still really really nice to have. It's more than nice. It's life giving. It's stress reducing. It's physically calming the nervous system and has a ton of health benefits. If it didn't, then people probably wouldn't touch each other ever. What would be the point if it didn't feel good? And I'm not talking about sex here. This whole blog has NOT been some "skirt around the word, but in reality all I really want here is sex". Of course I want that too, I'm not a eunuch. But I'm honestly only talking about being held, kissed, holding hands and long hugs here people. Seriously. So get your minds outta the gutter. But don't worry I'll gladly take all that other stuff too...in the right moment. This list of things I've mentioned, mean more to me than everything that is included in the word "sex."
So in conclusion. I'm probably more the exception than the rule, when it comes to all this physical intimacy stuff. Taken from what I gather in movies and the hook ups I'm sure evolve from sites like okcupid, I don't work like most people do. Kissing whoever and hooking up with people they've just met over a drink at some bar. Sure it's been over 7 years since I've been kissed. Sure that kind of pisses me off, to tell you the truth. But I could never just kiss someone I just met a second ago. I saw this video this artist did, asking 2 strangers to meet and pretty much go straight into kissing. I couldn't do it. At least I don't think I could. What if they have mono?? It was surprising that in some of the couples, the kiss turned long and an actual spark seemed to have occurred. For me, I only want to kiss someone I feel really connected to, emotionally, from hours of talking (at the very least and most likely over many dates). There has to be an attraction on both sides, a desire from both sides. I was asked first or did the asking, in my kissing experiences. I'm not above skipping the asking and going for what is obviously wanted on both sides...anyway, I feel like this blog has taken a turn...probably time to call it quits. Guess it's a testament to where my mind is...if you're in a desert without water, don't you mirage a pond??
I would never tell anyone what to do, how to live their life, when to engage in hand holding or sex. I read people really well, so whose to say I wouldn't meet a girl and kiss her on the first date? If it warranted it, I would! If that ever happens, they'll be a long blog describing every detail. I'm kidding! They'll just be a blog where I will be saying one thing, but actually meaning another. I'll be talking about "pizza" but "pizza" will really mean "kissing." So keep an eye out for that blog..."Christie, the pizza connoisseur" will take on a totally different meaning...
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