A close friend of mine once told me that I need to write down all these social outings, meetings, experiences that I was telling her about. She told me I could write a book about all these sometimes crazy, but always interesting experiences I've had with people. I think I do need to write them down, because I don't know when I'll have a whole bunch more to tell. I am an introvert by nature. I am often shy and quiet, especially in groups. Now one on one with a close friend, I have to keep myself from talking the whole time. That's what spending most of your free time alone, with a cat, does to you I guess. I guess I go through sprurts of trying to meet people and trying new groups and such. I am beginning that again with a new "young adult" group at church, that's actually including 30s now, so I am allowed to attend. It's all girls so far, which is way promising. wink wink.
But I wanted to talk about a period of time where I was having a lot of really weird experiences with people, all right in a row. I would tell my friend about each one as they would happen, and that's when she told me I needed to start writing them down! I still remember them all. Even if I don't necessarily want to.
This started back in around June of 2012. May was an interesting month, to say the least. (Now I won't say anyone's names in these storytellings, but if you figure it out for some weird reason, well that's not my fault. You must be psychic or something, or that person is you). May was intense and life altering and just all around crazy for a girl who had lived her whole entire almost 31 years of life, thinking one thing. And that one thing was, marry a man and you'll live happily ever after. I blame the Disney movies on that one. No, really it's just how I was raised and what I was around every single day of my life. All my friends were girls, and they all wanted and pursued finding that one guy. And honestly every single one of them found it. I really didn't think boys or movie stars were "hot." Guys in genral just made no sense to me, and I was too shy and quiet to be noticed anyway by them. The guy my best friend in High School asked for me to take me to prom, so we could all go together, I later in life found out that he was gay. So if that doesn't tell you something...he was actually the only guy I even ever really talked to and would sort of call a friend, in high school. He was nice to me. I was mostly just invisible to guys. And besides wanting to be like all my friends, and longing to know what it felt like to be kissed, I was ok with hanging out with just my girl friends all the time. Just to be clear if any of them ever read this, I never had feelings like that for them ever. Which brings me back to the beginning of May. I was texting literally all day every day with a friend, that was really a friend of a friend. But I developed feelings I had never had for a girl before. It was short lived though. Because by the end of May, she was here in the flesh, and all the plans we had made via text to hang out, go to a movie, dinner ect, well not one of them happened. I was crushed. Which was sort of lame, since we weren't dating or anything. But you really shouldn't bail on a friend when you make plans anyway. It's all good now, we're friends again and she knows everything about what happened, and is cool with it, and apologized for being a douche and bailing on me. But at the time I hit rock bottom because I didn't know what was going on with me, and why I was so upset, were these feelings for real? They left, after she did, but it opened a whole new door for me, and that door didn't close, just the feelings for this particular girl did.
So thus began a ton of self reflection, jouraling, book reading, counseling and getting out there and meeting people. Trying to see where to go from here. And thus, a lot of interesting people were met. The first friend I told, has a son that is gay and I knew she'd be cool with it. I couldn't even get the words out, she finished my sentence for me. I was relieved she knew what I was trying to say. She actually went to a writing group with me, that was a lesbian group I had heard about from another group I had went to before. This group was 4 much older and eccentric women, we met in the lobby of a hotel and when I was put on the spot to write something and then read it and the leader told me I didn't really write what was asked, I wanted to be like, "hey writing police! step off!" but I didn't. Writing groups are not for me I guess.
The first group attempt was a "late bloomers group." I blame my well meaning friend for that one. When I told this other close friend, she immediately set to work and googled groups. I mean like we were sitting at Pinkberry and I told her and within minutes she's on her phone looking for groups for me. I have such supportive friends. She found this group that met at La Madeleine's. Shes was like, "we're going." She literally had to pull me out of the car in the parking lot. I did NOT want to go in. But we do, and there's this long table full of silver haired lesbians. They all turn to look at me. We go to sit down and I kid you not, the first thing this lady across from us says to me is "So, you're a lesbian?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. I was stunned into silence. Not only was this my first lesbian group event ever, but I also just didn't know anything for sure yet, and she sure wasn't making me feel very accepted or safe, that's for sure. I don't remember anything from the group other than, that same lady said I looked like the actress Tony Collette, and that I found out about that writing group from them.
The 3 counseling experiences I tried, offered a variety of interesting people. The first, an obvious lesbian lady. I did NOT know this going in, and I was scared away so fast, you'd think she poked me with a hot stick. I actually wanted to get a handle on my depression for years, which stemmed from this great need and desire and this expectation that I HAD to get married, in order to be happy. So when she wanted to talk about my "feelings for girls" it was still so raw and fresh, I wasn't ready for all that and high tailed it out, never to return again. Now the 2nd counseling lady was a Christian counselor. Now she was happy to address the depression, but swept the "girl" issue right under the rug and she didn't want to even discuss it, even though I was starting to want to at this point. I got all my free sessions from my company's EAP (employee assistance program), and promptly left. But like Goldie Locks, I hadn't found what was "just right." Until the 3rd try. A 'pay what you can' counseling center for the LBGT community. It was all grad students from SMU, but I luckily got a really nice girl who made me feel comfortable and helped me a lot with finding my value and self esteem again, and getting me out there in the world meeting people. After her internship was over, they gave me a 12 year old girl who probably had never talked to a gay person or questioning person in her life. She was scared and timid, and looked overwhelmed. I wasn't really up for being her "first" so I graduated myself right on outta there. But I was ready by then anyway. In those 6 months I had joined a gym and was swimming and doing yoga. I had tried a variety of meetup groups and was exploring the lesbian community...at least a little bit.
I love movies, and since I often just go alone, I thought maybe I'll go to some meetup group ones. So I go to this guy's house who has one of these big movie rooms with recliners and a movie projector. I show up and it's like the geriatric parade. People were like in their 70s. I think the closest to my age was probably in their late 50s. I wanted to turn and run, but I'm too polite, so I stayed for one of the movies, which was an awkward, slightly disturbing movie about a girl getting caught up in a cult, and even though they were gonna watch a 2nd movie, I was like peace out.
Another time I went to a movie with a group, and it was that Tom Hanks Atlas movie. Never go to a 3 and a half hour movie with strangers. It was way too long. I would've rather seen it at home. Especially at the part where those Asian girls realize that they've been eating each other. Gross. But bad movie choices aside, I'm always proud of myself for trying, for getting out there. No friends or otherwise were ever made at these outings, but at least I tried.
Then there's the setup. Not necessarily a romantic set up. But more of a friend who says, "why don't you hang out with this girl" (simply based on the fact that she is literally the only lesbian she knew). Now that, my friends, was one of the worst experiences I've had. I somehow was taken hostage by this girl and forced to spend the whole day with her, and go to a bar, simply because I'm young and I'm supposed to enjoy drinking, right? whatever. I hate alcohol. It all tastes burn-y and gross. The day just would not end. It was lunch then ice cream, then bar then dinner with some other friend of hers. I didn't know this girl, other than as an acquaintance in college, yet she somehow felt that she could tell me to my face that I am "weird." She actually said- "you're a little weird aren't you." And while, yes, I am probably weird, I don't want some random girl telling me that. My friends say I'm quirky, and if my girlfriend said it in a "you're cute and weird, I like that" sort of way, well that would be fine. But wait it doesn't stop there! She also told me that her friend at dinner thought I was weird too. Why even tell me that?? I don't know this other girl at all, and could care less what she thinks. By telling me, it was just to hurt me, it served no purpose. But some people are just clueless and careless. And this friend of hers was basing this on the 5 minutes she spent with me. I'm quiet, I'm shy, that doesn't make me weird. I didn't jump up on the table and start tap dancing. I didn't yodel in the restaurant. I wanted to be like F you, girl! But instead I said "ok, well, bye" and jumped out of the car and went into the safety of my home. My world. My cocoon.
I fear this has gotten way too long, and to prevent people from giving up and moving on; this will be a 2 part story of stories. So until we meet again...
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