that's all you need to know.

Something I’ve observed when I’ve been around so many couples, and these are not friend couples necessarily, but just people I know. What I see is two people that clearly love each other, but with some of them, there’s nothing that stands out about them. The girl isn’t the most beautiful girl in the world, the guy isn’t the brightest. I’m not saying that to be mean. But when I think about myself and I think I’m pretty cool, not “cool cool,” but I’m not boring, I’m interesting and funny and creative and I’m fun when I want to be…so when I see a couple and I’m like well he’s kind of boring or she’s not outgoing and bubbly, she’s just who she is, and she still got someone. He didn’t have to be funny or super smart, he’s just who he is and he found someone. I guess it kind of gives me both hope and makes me feel like it’s NOT me. It’s not that I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough. I just haven’t found “the one” yet. I haven’t made that connection with someone. I don’t think there’s necessarily a reason as to why. This person isn’t out there already in a relationship, or at the bottom of the pit of their life or living in Asia right now. This person could be living a couple blocks over. This person could be at the other side of Target when I’m there almost weekly and we just haven’t bumped into each other yet. Not because the Universe hasn’t pushed us together yet, not because God hasn’t made my path to align with theirs. It’s simply because it just hasn’t happened yet. That’s it. Just hasn’t. There is no reason as to why. I’m always looking for someone to blame, actually someone is too broad. I’m always blaming God.  God and sometimes myself, for not getting out enough to try to meet someone, but mostly God. I mean who the fuck else am I supposed to blame? This imaginary person who doesn’t know me and doesn’t know what I look like or to look out for me at Target? No of course not. Well, I’ve got to stop blaming God for keeping me from my person. Maybe Meredith thinks Cristina is her “person” on Grey’s. But really her “person” is Derek. Cristina is about to haul her ass out the door of that hospital and never to return. She can do that a lot easier than Derek can, being married to her and having 2 children he won’t just abandon. But I digress…as I usually do, onto a storyline from a fictional show.

I have found a person or 2, actually. I’ve only had 2 boyfriends and they both literally told me they wanted to marry me. They were head over heels in love and were convinced. I was too. So since it’s been proven that I am lovable enough not just to be a friend, but to be a partner in life, or at least to highly consider it and think I was the one, well then that proves that it can happen again. It’s not something I’m making up in my head or that I think I am “marriage material.” I fucking am. Also my bestie told me I am, and that holds a lot of weight. She also has so much more faith than I do that she knows I’m going to find someone. So I try to believe her the best I can. I mean I don’t think most girls can say that all their boyfriends have wanted to marry them. Let’s not count numbers here though.

God isn’t keeping me from anyone. God isn’t doing anything. I don’t really know God’s role other than creator and gave his son so that we can live in Heaven and not Hell for sinning, which we’ve all done numerous times, let’s be honest. Even nuns can’t say they haven’t. I am little unsure of the verse that I was taught to recite about a billion times mostly right before leaving for college, as it is a verse for young people on the cusp of the whole big world of adulthood. And that’s jeremiah 29:11 “'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

That’s totally cool and all, but also aren’t we supposed to make our own choices? God doesn’t set things in stone for you, you do what you want to do. You make your own choices in life. That’s why it’s called free will. Did you know the King James version of the Bible (which is far older than the NIV), says: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Well, excuse me!! But that is completely different. How are plans and thoughts the same thing? And an expected end and a future are two totally different things as well. Thoughts are just thoughts. Plans are thoughts put into action. Well at least most of the time. It sounds fishy if God was like, well I “planned” to give you a husband, but then I got too busy and I had to deal with this earthquake and Obama or whatever. That sounds sketchy. I don’t really want to say God is sketchy. That sounds pretty sacrilegious or something. I just don’t know. Am I fucking it up?? It’s all on me? These “plans” God has for me? Is he telling me to move to Peru to meet my future whoever and I’m just not listening? And if I don’t listen, then I’m alone forever? Well that kind of sucks. That’s definitely not what they taught me at church growing up. It made it sound more like, don’t stress about it, about where you go to college, what you do afterwards. God’s got your back. You’ll be where you’re supposed to be. I mean of course willfully doing things like breaking laws and murdering people, will get your in jail. Is that where you’re supposed to be? That could be a cop out and walks the fine line of crazy people saying God told me to kill that person. Well obviously he didn’t, because that is one of the commandments and God doesn’t ask you to break commandments. So if I’m following these commandments, then I’m good? Then I’m in line with God and on the right path and everything’s dandy and this person will walk into my life tomorrow? It’s all so confusing and weird. I can’t say I know anything at all. I’m just asking all types of questions that I don’t think have answers. I mean some people think they know the answers. But how do they know anything for sure, really? How does anyone? We don’t. I guess in a way I break the “thou shalt not covet thy neighbors…whatever” I mean I don’t literally want the person they are married to, but I want that. I want my person. I want my kids. So I guess I am breaking that law every day. So maybe that’s what’s keeping me from my “plan” from God or whatever you want to call it. But here’s the catch. What if one day or even a whole week a whole month goes by…ok probably not a month, but I don’t covet anyone. I am content and I just love my single life. But then, but nothing happens? No one walks into my life, onto my pathway. What then? What if the day I give up and go back to my old ways, that was the day the girl of my dreams walks into my eyesight. But because I “broke” the law, she walks the other way down the street. You can’t think like that. You can’t put God in a box like that. I can’t treat him like that, so I don’t know how to treat him other than an old grandpa I just smile politely at and tolerate and listen to his stories, because I have to, just long enough until I can go back to my life. That is craziness. I don’t even know anymore. You go your whole life thinking God is one way and then suddenly nothing makes sense at all. Well Jesus dying on the cross for my sins makes sense, but that’s tangible, it’s an actual event. God is just so out there and complicated and elusive and aloof and mystical and invisible. I think people who have that person that they can say “God chose for me” and those kids that are “blessings and gifts from God.” It’s almost just too easy for them. They haven’t had to suffer through 7 plus years of loneliness and nothingness. Of no intimate connections, at least none that aren’t anything more than a really good friend. I wouldn’t use the word “intimate” to describe any of my friendships. And it’s not that they don’t have struggles. Of course they do, if we wanted to compare, (which we don’t), some are far worse than my not having anyone to hold me at night and kiss me goodbye each morning. I know that. It’s not a contest. But they give this credit to God for those intimate people in their lives. Why? Why thank Him? Did he do anything? Didn’t it just happen? Ok let’s say he did do something. Then great, that’s awesome, good for you. So, where’s my person? Where’s my love? Why isn’t she here yet? Why didn’t he ever show up all those years? I don’t know. There are just far too many questions and not enough answers. I feel like there’s only one answer needed and it’s the answer that everyone gives about everything. God loves you. Even when nothing makes sense. God loves you. Even when you don’t love yourself. God loves you. Even if it looks like to you that God is showing love to someone else in the form of a human being, and for you, all you get is a cat that sometimes loves you when she wants to or when she’s cold…God loves you. I guess that’s all you need to know. Don’t question it. Just accept it. Que sera. What will be will be.  Be like an innocent young child, before anything in life ever hurt them. Know that God loves you. Cling to that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to question. I think it’s healthy. It’s not healthy to live in a lie or in a truth you created in your mind or in some interpretation. I feel like I don’t understand or know or even believe anything else, but that God loves me. And for now, I will chant that over and over in my brain. When I turn 33 and still haven’t had a first date turn into a second date in this brave new world of girls…but God loves me. When more years go by without a child and my eggs are all drying up and I don’t know if I’ll ever have a child of my own…God loves me. When my younger, far more immature sister gets married and then sub sequentially has children (or the other way around), before me…doesn’t matter, God loves me. That’s all that I can say right now. I can’t question it and ask him to prove it anymore. I know I have things and people in my life, even if they aren’t in my daily life. I’m not without. God loves me. It’s just a fact. It’s a fact for everyone. He loves everyone, because he created everyone. I know he created the universe and everything in it. I know that he sent his only son to die for our sins so we could live in heaven with him. And I know that he loves me. That’s three things are all I know for sure. But that’s enough. It has to be. Otherwise I drive myself crazy and write a 3 page blog about it…but at least I came to that conclusion in the end. That’s what really matters. It’s not cheesy, it’s not dumb, it’s not a preschool Sunday morning song. Take it as a fact. God loves you. Take it. Let it sink in. Don’t question it. I don’t tell people what to do in my blog, it’s just my contemplations, so I’m not going to be bossy about it, because it’s not like I take my own advice all the time either. But I’m going to do my best to believe this. And tie it to my heart with duct tape, so that sucker stays there and doesn’t float away and I start to question it again. God loves me. Ok I’m done. Had to say it 12 thousand times so it could really sink in. Good luck and good night.    

black jelly bean

My favorite of the Easter jelly bean family, are the black ones. I really don't eat jelly beans except around Easter time, when my Mom buys them. And I am the only one that eats the black ones, so I don't have to fight over them, they are all waiting for me. I've eaten black jelly beans as far back as I can remember. I was probably the only little kid that liked them, as I think red is probably the overall favorite. There's something about the flavor, it's out of the box, non-fruity. It's out there and almost bitter, but in a good way. It's different and I associate with different. I think I've always felt like that black jelly bean. I've always felt left out, of everything and everywhere and in every group of people my whole life. Sometimes for awhile I've felt like I found a group, like a community group in college or at church in Colorado... but it never lasts long, usually a year at most. We graduate from college, people partner up, get married, move away and start a family. I like watching shows like Friends, How I met your mother, Community, Happy Endings, and many more like that, mostly because of the close friendships that are really more of a family to each other than just friends. I live vicariously through them. I also like shows where the main character or characters are far more messed up than me, because it makes me feel more "sane" or normal, shows like Dexter, Orange is the New black, United States of Tara, Orphan Black, Lost Girl... at least I'm not fighting with the demons that they are, both figuratively and literally. I know I escape into my shows, but at least it's not drugs or alcohol, right?

As I sit in my comfy IKEA rocker chair at my front door, looking out at my cat play in the grass, I feel like this, what I have here, my house my cat my shows my music my writing...All of this right here is all that I need, that's it. It's when I look outside my bubble, when I step outside my door into the world, or go into the world via the internet like Facebook, that's when I start to feel like I have nothing at all. I know that I can't live without human interaction, touch, companionship, emotional connection. But finding that sometimes feels like too much work, or better yet impossible. I feel like my life has been like that black jelly bean, hiding in plain sight amongst all the normal jelly beans. Wondering why I was there? Certainly a black jelly bean isn't as "Easter-ie" as all the others. It's not light and pretty, it's dark. You think it would stand out, but it also just doesn't get picked like the others, so I guess it is seen. I feel like I've tried to fit in or thought that if I just wanted what everyone else wanted, that I would not only be just like them, but I would also find happiness, because we would continue to be in the same world together and everything could stay the same. But marrying a guy, buying a house, having 2.5 children, just isn't for everyone, no matter how much you thought you wanted that. I still ache for the companionship, the physical intimacy, the emotional connection that being married brings, no matter how long it lasts. But I've always thought in the back of my mind, or at the depths of my heart, that I wasn't going to get that. That wasn't going to be me. I don't like feeling that way, but there it is.

I haven't been able to unravel why it is I feel that way. I'm afraid to know the answer. Is it because my expectations are too high in one person? I think they can meet all my needs, and therefore am looking for someone that doesn't exist, because nobody can do that. Is it because I'm not going to be on this earth long enough to meet someone? (that's the scariest of them all and even typing it feels like I'm jinxing myself and I'm considering deleting it right now). Or am I too scared of getting hurt, getting my heart broken, that if I give my heart to someone again, I won't get it back this time? I won't be able to mend it, so it's just easier to push people away rather than fight to find them or invest in someone new or even look. The risk is so incredibly high. Right now only I hurt myself, by thinking negatively or shutting myself off, or in. But people can't hurt me if I don't allow myself to get too close. I have already made close friends that haven't really hurt me, more than just my feelings now and again. Pushing it to find more, or worse "the one," well that's just pushing my luck. But also the friends that I fight for to keep in my life, they've also responded to me in a way that lets me know that they support me 100%, especially in this huge life change over the past 2 years. They also fight for me. They respond to me. I don't have to hunt them down too long. A one sided relationship is not one worth keeping. Even something as simple as a text to let me know they still care, might be the deciding factor on if I'm continuing that friendship. But the close ones invest way more than that. Sometimes we have a lot in common, TV shows, music, movies, musicals etc. Stuff like that is way important to me. It can be a deciding factor now into who I start up friendships with. Because if none of that matters to them, then they aren't going to care much when I want to talk about it a lot, and I will. Bekah is great at this because she doesn't watch TV hardly at all. I got her into The office and parks and rec, but besides that, nothing else really sticks with her. But she seriously asks me what's going on in a show she knows I love and wants me to tell her the whole plot line. I swear she knows what has happened the whole series of Glee, having never watched a single episode. I love that I don't have to bring it up, she knows me and that I love my shows and that they are important to me, and so they are important to her, because I am important to her. She often says me telling her the storyline is way better than watching it, because I tell it so well. She also got me into reading the Hunger Game series, which is the best series I've ever read, so I give her movie and TV show recommendations and she gives me book ones, as she knows about them years before they become a movie. But stuff like that will determine whether I want to invest in a new person I just met. If they are extremely friendly, down to earth, love to dig in and talk about real stuff, not surface stuff, well then maybe all my best "likes" aren't as important as they usually are. There's at least that comfortability to open up and share and talk about the real things of life. That can be enough to keep a friendship going, the fact they care and want to talk about your life, as much as I want to listen about theirs.

I haven't made a ton of new friends the past few years, very very few in fact. Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe surface isn't enough for me. Maybe common interests is way too important to me. I don't feel like I push everyone away. If I click with someone and if they show they care about me early on, well then I will keep the coals burning, I'll feed that fire and invest the crap out of it. But if the embers die out after the first meeting, even if I had fun emailing back and forth prior to, well I'm probably not gonna push it much more. I'm just not gonna try. Life's too short to hang out with people that you don't really connect with. I know some connections take time I guess, but I know myself well and I'd be surprised if anything real would happen with someone I didn't think was "cool" or fun or unique or really nice, easy to talk to, that kind of thing...from the first face to face meeting. I don't think I necessarily need another black jelly bean. I do like social people because they can bring me out of my shell .We all live in the same bag, so any color jelly bean could be someone that means the world to you. Anyone can change your world and make it a better place. I'd like that. I'd like to be that for someone as well. I hope I find her. I hope she exists. I hope I didn't write all those letters from the age of 16 up to whoever I married, for nothing. They've been sealed up for years, I didn't want to read them after I wrote each one. I wanted whoever I married to read them on our wedding night. I really hope that isn't all in vain. I really hope I'm wrong about being all alone for the rest of my life. I hope that what I'm feeling it's real, isn't true. And not just for me, but for anyone that wants that out of life. Everyone should find love, if that's what they want. I wish that for everybody. Kind of tired of watching it happen over and over again to my single friends, while I still remain all alone, but I do want everyone to find someone. It's a nice thought at least...

My review and thoughts on the series finale of HIMYM

"You're totally in our gang now, and once you're in, you're in for life." What great words, uttered by Lily to Robin, back when they first met in 2005. Funny coincidence, but I have to mention that I met my best friend Bekah in 2005. I know the date, September 6, 2005 because that's the day I started working where she had just starting working at, and we became immediate friends. How I met your mother first aired September 19, 2005. And like Robin, I know I will be best friends for life with my "Lily", even through a marriage and 3 children. I have no doubts that our friendship will last forever, no matter where we both live. But in my case, unlike Robin, I keep in touch with my bestie on a weekly daily basis (or more), so we are different in that way. Ok, random tangent connection over.

After 9 seasons, "How I met your mother" ended their story. Their story that claimed was about how Ted met the mother of his children, as told to his teenage children. But like the children saw from the beginning, and finally spoke up when their father was done telling the story, this story was not about how he met their mother, because that was a very small part of the 9 year story. It was about how much he loved his close friend and on and off again girlfriend Robin, and how ultimately (as the kids pointed out and gave their blessing to their father), he should be with her! And as much as I really loved "the mother" we find is named Tracy...she was literally like he's other half and exactly like him in every way and a perfect match, life doesn't always happen the way you want it to. People get sick and die. Sure the writers could've changed that, seeing as this was a TV show and not a documentary, but they didn't. They chose to shock us and give us an ending that they have been creating and setting up from the very beginning. Because yes, the show is called "How I met you Mother," and yes they did live up to that literally, but we knew very little about the mother the whole series, and very much about Robin. We knew most importantly that Robin did not ever want to have children of her own, and then later she found out she couldn't even have children. Children played into how everyone's lives would change (for the better of course), except for with Robin, whether she purposely left herself out, or it was just life. Friends with kids are very busy people (as they should be, because raising a child properly takes everything you are). Whichever way you want to look at it, Robin's story did not involve children. She wasn't meant to be a mother, and that's ok. If she had remained with Barney, would their love be enough? Barney is a sex crazed addict, bless his heart, and he definitely grew on me as a character when he truly fell for Robin, but I never believed that Robin was fully on board truly in love with him. They dated seriously once and broke up, that really should have been an indication. Robin's job has always been very important to her, that was never in question. So Barney knew what he was getting into, but sometimes you just don't really know, until you're really in it I guess. And in the end it was too much for them. When Barney and Robin's marriage ended after 3 years (which is longer than I expected it to), and Barney went back to his old ways, I literally cringed. I hated him like that. The only way I tolerated it was because I would tell myself that he isn't a sleazy womanizer in real life. The actor is in fact gay, married and has 2 kids. Somehow this made me feel better about him...
So when Barney held his baby girl in his arms I was squealing with delight to hear him talk about her in a way that was clear she was going to change him into a normal, respectable human being that didn't see girls as objects to conquer and sleep with, but as precious jewels that need to be loved and valued. He even used the line he had previously used to make a point that he was never going to fall in love with a girl again, like he did Robin.  "You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours forever." Quite perfect for his new little bundle of love. It was so beautiful and peaceful to see Barney change this way. His character always unsettled me, and I am very happy that the writers chose to change him in this way, because I know that a child can change a person for real, and in a positive way. In fact, if Barney and Robin hadn't divorced, he might not have truly changed, like he did for his little girl. He needed that baby. Whose to say he wouldn't have cheated on Robin, since she was gone so much? In the end, what was best for him, and for Robin, came to be. I think it was perfect for everyone.
I love how supportive and trusting and encouraging Tracy was of Robin. Most women would never want their husbands to be in the same room with a woman they dated and were in love with for so long, as Ted was for Robin. When you find out that Tracy convinced Robin to come to the wedding, after what seemed like a few years at least since the gang had all been together, that was really special and kind of her. Even though I didn't see it coming, Robin and Ted ending up together after she was gone, it was nice to see that Tracy was so accepting of Robin and in a way it shows that she would "approve" of them getting back together, if she were to ever die before Ted. As weird as that would sound and even though that wasn't something I'm sure they ever talked about as a scenario, even when she was dying. Maybe at some point in the years following her death, Ted had thought somewhat about Robin, but I don't think it was in a realistic way, that anything would ever happen again with them. His own children pointing out his love for her, was what really awoke him to the idea again, at least in a real possibility kind of way.
When lily made  that toast to ted "a man with more emotional endurance than anyone I know. it was a long difficult road, thank God we finally got here." I felt like that could be my toast from my friends, who have been with me though all these years alone, 7 plus. Those that have been there through the breakups being that. I loved her little toast, it summed up a lot and voiced her happiness that Ted found the girl that wanted the same things he did.

And then in Ted's last monologue to his children, over scenes of his life with his wife and children; he made the most important of all speeches he's ever given. (somewhat summarized) " ...but I'm glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn't gone through Hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. And that lesson is- right from the moment I met your mom I knew. I have to love this woman as much as I can and for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me, through everything that life threw at us...and when she got sick, even then all I could do was thank God thank, thank every God there is or ever was or will be and the whole universe and anyone else I could possibly thank; that I saw her and had the guts to stand up, walk over, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth and speak..." wise words Ted Mosby, wise words. And even more simplistic, Tracy's words (under the yellow umbrella, the token of the show, what brought them together, what they shared without realizing till now) "it's funny how sometimes you just find things." I love that line. It's like the Universe or God at work in your life, whatever you believe in. It shows that you do have to take advantage of those moments the Universe gives you. Maybe nothing will come from it, but you've got to be brave and try, because it might just be your "girl with the yellow umbrella."

And then there's the out spoken daughter, Penny. Calling her Dad out. "that's it?? no. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this...mom was hardly in this story. this is a story about how much you're in love with Aunt Robin." It's funny how the kids not only "see it" but they obviously really like her, and not just give their blessing, but push him a little to call her. Of course we know that Ted is not into small gestures of declaring love. And that's when the blue French horn makes another reappearance, and thus "saves the day." Robin's face when she sees that blue French horn and knows immediately it's significance and what Ted is asking of herm, it's just absolutely priceless.  It just sums up the whole show, and is my favorite moment in the entire series. You know that this time, there's no reason for them to break up. They don't want different things. They both got what they wanted, separately, and now all they want is each other. It is a happily ever after moment. It might not have been what all the viewers wanted, but this viewer was happy. And this viewer wrote them off a long time ago, because I knew she wasn't the mother, and that meant she wasn't "the one" for Ted. But who ever said there's only ONE? There are no rules. Love is love. When both people know and choose love, that's when it's right, that's when it's meant to be. You're not a slave to what happens to you, it doesn't have to defeat you, you are free to make choices and free to love. That's why this is the greatest love story I've ever seen portrayed on TV. It's got more heart than any other sitcom. It went into the depths, but still had humor. You cared what happened to each individual character, even sex crazed Barney. It made you laugh and cry. It did what a really good show is supposed to do. It made you feel.

So Bravo, writers! Bravo, actors! You did a wonderful job, telling an incredibly (long) but amazing story of love, loss, friendship and family. I'm going to miss this show. It's on a short list of the best written shows of all time. I don't think we'll have something that compares to the depth and great story telling like this one, for a long time, if ever again. It was legen...wait for it...dary.