black jelly bean

My favorite of the Easter jelly bean family, are the black ones. I really don't eat jelly beans except around Easter time, when my Mom buys them. And I am the only one that eats the black ones, so I don't have to fight over them, they are all waiting for me. I've eaten black jelly beans as far back as I can remember. I was probably the only little kid that liked them, as I think red is probably the overall favorite. There's something about the flavor, it's out of the box, non-fruity. It's out there and almost bitter, but in a good way. It's different and I associate with different. I think I've always felt like that black jelly bean. I've always felt left out, of everything and everywhere and in every group of people my whole life. Sometimes for awhile I've felt like I found a group, like a community group in college or at church in Colorado... but it never lasts long, usually a year at most. We graduate from college, people partner up, get married, move away and start a family. I like watching shows like Friends, How I met your mother, Community, Happy Endings, and many more like that, mostly because of the close friendships that are really more of a family to each other than just friends. I live vicariously through them. I also like shows where the main character or characters are far more messed up than me, because it makes me feel more "sane" or normal, shows like Dexter, Orange is the New black, United States of Tara, Orphan Black, Lost Girl... at least I'm not fighting with the demons that they are, both figuratively and literally. I know I escape into my shows, but at least it's not drugs or alcohol, right?

As I sit in my comfy IKEA rocker chair at my front door, looking out at my cat play in the grass, I feel like this, what I have here, my house my cat my shows my music my writing...All of this right here is all that I need, that's it. It's when I look outside my bubble, when I step outside my door into the world, or go into the world via the internet like Facebook, that's when I start to feel like I have nothing at all. I know that I can't live without human interaction, touch, companionship, emotional connection. But finding that sometimes feels like too much work, or better yet impossible. I feel like my life has been like that black jelly bean, hiding in plain sight amongst all the normal jelly beans. Wondering why I was there? Certainly a black jelly bean isn't as "Easter-ie" as all the others. It's not light and pretty, it's dark. You think it would stand out, but it also just doesn't get picked like the others, so I guess it is seen. I feel like I've tried to fit in or thought that if I just wanted what everyone else wanted, that I would not only be just like them, but I would also find happiness, because we would continue to be in the same world together and everything could stay the same. But marrying a guy, buying a house, having 2.5 children, just isn't for everyone, no matter how much you thought you wanted that. I still ache for the companionship, the physical intimacy, the emotional connection that being married brings, no matter how long it lasts. But I've always thought in the back of my mind, or at the depths of my heart, that I wasn't going to get that. That wasn't going to be me. I don't like feeling that way, but there it is.

I haven't been able to unravel why it is I feel that way. I'm afraid to know the answer. Is it because my expectations are too high in one person? I think they can meet all my needs, and therefore am looking for someone that doesn't exist, because nobody can do that. Is it because I'm not going to be on this earth long enough to meet someone? (that's the scariest of them all and even typing it feels like I'm jinxing myself and I'm considering deleting it right now). Or am I too scared of getting hurt, getting my heart broken, that if I give my heart to someone again, I won't get it back this time? I won't be able to mend it, so it's just easier to push people away rather than fight to find them or invest in someone new or even look. The risk is so incredibly high. Right now only I hurt myself, by thinking negatively or shutting myself off, or in. But people can't hurt me if I don't allow myself to get too close. I have already made close friends that haven't really hurt me, more than just my feelings now and again. Pushing it to find more, or worse "the one," well that's just pushing my luck. But also the friends that I fight for to keep in my life, they've also responded to me in a way that lets me know that they support me 100%, especially in this huge life change over the past 2 years. They also fight for me. They respond to me. I don't have to hunt them down too long. A one sided relationship is not one worth keeping. Even something as simple as a text to let me know they still care, might be the deciding factor on if I'm continuing that friendship. But the close ones invest way more than that. Sometimes we have a lot in common, TV shows, music, movies, musicals etc. Stuff like that is way important to me. It can be a deciding factor now into who I start up friendships with. Because if none of that matters to them, then they aren't going to care much when I want to talk about it a lot, and I will. Bekah is great at this because she doesn't watch TV hardly at all. I got her into The office and parks and rec, but besides that, nothing else really sticks with her. But she seriously asks me what's going on in a show she knows I love and wants me to tell her the whole plot line. I swear she knows what has happened the whole series of Glee, having never watched a single episode. I love that I don't have to bring it up, she knows me and that I love my shows and that they are important to me, and so they are important to her, because I am important to her. She often says me telling her the storyline is way better than watching it, because I tell it so well. She also got me into reading the Hunger Game series, which is the best series I've ever read, so I give her movie and TV show recommendations and she gives me book ones, as she knows about them years before they become a movie. But stuff like that will determine whether I want to invest in a new person I just met. If they are extremely friendly, down to earth, love to dig in and talk about real stuff, not surface stuff, well then maybe all my best "likes" aren't as important as they usually are. There's at least that comfortability to open up and share and talk about the real things of life. That can be enough to keep a friendship going, the fact they care and want to talk about your life, as much as I want to listen about theirs.

I haven't made a ton of new friends the past few years, very very few in fact. Maybe I'm too picky. Maybe surface isn't enough for me. Maybe common interests is way too important to me. I don't feel like I push everyone away. If I click with someone and if they show they care about me early on, well then I will keep the coals burning, I'll feed that fire and invest the crap out of it. But if the embers die out after the first meeting, even if I had fun emailing back and forth prior to, well I'm probably not gonna push it much more. I'm just not gonna try. Life's too short to hang out with people that you don't really connect with. I know some connections take time I guess, but I know myself well and I'd be surprised if anything real would happen with someone I didn't think was "cool" or fun or unique or really nice, easy to talk to, that kind of thing...from the first face to face meeting. I don't think I necessarily need another black jelly bean. I do like social people because they can bring me out of my shell .We all live in the same bag, so any color jelly bean could be someone that means the world to you. Anyone can change your world and make it a better place. I'd like that. I'd like to be that for someone as well. I hope I find her. I hope she exists. I hope I didn't write all those letters from the age of 16 up to whoever I married, for nothing. They've been sealed up for years, I didn't want to read them after I wrote each one. I wanted whoever I married to read them on our wedding night. I really hope that isn't all in vain. I really hope I'm wrong about being all alone for the rest of my life. I hope that what I'm feeling it's real, isn't true. And not just for me, but for anyone that wants that out of life. Everyone should find love, if that's what they want. I wish that for everybody. Kind of tired of watching it happen over and over again to my single friends, while I still remain all alone, but I do want everyone to find someone. It's a nice thought at least...