that's all you need to know.

Something I’ve observed when I’ve been around so many couples, and these are not friend couples necessarily, but just people I know. What I see is two people that clearly love each other, but with some of them, there’s nothing that stands out about them. The girl isn’t the most beautiful girl in the world, the guy isn’t the brightest. I’m not saying that to be mean. But when I think about myself and I think I’m pretty cool, not “cool cool,” but I’m not boring, I’m interesting and funny and creative and I’m fun when I want to be…so when I see a couple and I’m like well he’s kind of boring or she’s not outgoing and bubbly, she’s just who she is, and she still got someone. He didn’t have to be funny or super smart, he’s just who he is and he found someone. I guess it kind of gives me both hope and makes me feel like it’s NOT me. It’s not that I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough. I just haven’t found “the one” yet. I haven’t made that connection with someone. I don’t think there’s necessarily a reason as to why. This person isn’t out there already in a relationship, or at the bottom of the pit of their life or living in Asia right now. This person could be living a couple blocks over. This person could be at the other side of Target when I’m there almost weekly and we just haven’t bumped into each other yet. Not because the Universe hasn’t pushed us together yet, not because God hasn’t made my path to align with theirs. It’s simply because it just hasn’t happened yet. That’s it. Just hasn’t. There is no reason as to why. I’m always looking for someone to blame, actually someone is too broad. I’m always blaming God.  God and sometimes myself, for not getting out enough to try to meet someone, but mostly God. I mean who the fuck else am I supposed to blame? This imaginary person who doesn’t know me and doesn’t know what I look like or to look out for me at Target? No of course not. Well, I’ve got to stop blaming God for keeping me from my person. Maybe Meredith thinks Cristina is her “person” on Grey’s. But really her “person” is Derek. Cristina is about to haul her ass out the door of that hospital and never to return. She can do that a lot easier than Derek can, being married to her and having 2 children he won’t just abandon. But I digress…as I usually do, onto a storyline from a fictional show.

I have found a person or 2, actually. I’ve only had 2 boyfriends and they both literally told me they wanted to marry me. They were head over heels in love and were convinced. I was too. So since it’s been proven that I am lovable enough not just to be a friend, but to be a partner in life, or at least to highly consider it and think I was the one, well then that proves that it can happen again. It’s not something I’m making up in my head or that I think I am “marriage material.” I fucking am. Also my bestie told me I am, and that holds a lot of weight. She also has so much more faith than I do that she knows I’m going to find someone. So I try to believe her the best I can. I mean I don’t think most girls can say that all their boyfriends have wanted to marry them. Let’s not count numbers here though.

God isn’t keeping me from anyone. God isn’t doing anything. I don’t really know God’s role other than creator and gave his son so that we can live in Heaven and not Hell for sinning, which we’ve all done numerous times, let’s be honest. Even nuns can’t say they haven’t. I am little unsure of the verse that I was taught to recite about a billion times mostly right before leaving for college, as it is a verse for young people on the cusp of the whole big world of adulthood. And that’s jeremiah 29:11 “'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

That’s totally cool and all, but also aren’t we supposed to make our own choices? God doesn’t set things in stone for you, you do what you want to do. You make your own choices in life. That’s why it’s called free will. Did you know the King James version of the Bible (which is far older than the NIV), says: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Well, excuse me!! But that is completely different. How are plans and thoughts the same thing? And an expected end and a future are two totally different things as well. Thoughts are just thoughts. Plans are thoughts put into action. Well at least most of the time. It sounds fishy if God was like, well I “planned” to give you a husband, but then I got too busy and I had to deal with this earthquake and Obama or whatever. That sounds sketchy. I don’t really want to say God is sketchy. That sounds pretty sacrilegious or something. I just don’t know. Am I fucking it up?? It’s all on me? These “plans” God has for me? Is he telling me to move to Peru to meet my future whoever and I’m just not listening? And if I don’t listen, then I’m alone forever? Well that kind of sucks. That’s definitely not what they taught me at church growing up. It made it sound more like, don’t stress about it, about where you go to college, what you do afterwards. God’s got your back. You’ll be where you’re supposed to be. I mean of course willfully doing things like breaking laws and murdering people, will get your in jail. Is that where you’re supposed to be? That could be a cop out and walks the fine line of crazy people saying God told me to kill that person. Well obviously he didn’t, because that is one of the commandments and God doesn’t ask you to break commandments. So if I’m following these commandments, then I’m good? Then I’m in line with God and on the right path and everything’s dandy and this person will walk into my life tomorrow? It’s all so confusing and weird. I can’t say I know anything at all. I’m just asking all types of questions that I don’t think have answers. I mean some people think they know the answers. But how do they know anything for sure, really? How does anyone? We don’t. I guess in a way I break the “thou shalt not covet thy neighbors…whatever” I mean I don’t literally want the person they are married to, but I want that. I want my person. I want my kids. So I guess I am breaking that law every day. So maybe that’s what’s keeping me from my “plan” from God or whatever you want to call it. But here’s the catch. What if one day or even a whole week a whole month goes by…ok probably not a month, but I don’t covet anyone. I am content and I just love my single life. But then, but nothing happens? No one walks into my life, onto my pathway. What then? What if the day I give up and go back to my old ways, that was the day the girl of my dreams walks into my eyesight. But because I “broke” the law, she walks the other way down the street. You can’t think like that. You can’t put God in a box like that. I can’t treat him like that, so I don’t know how to treat him other than an old grandpa I just smile politely at and tolerate and listen to his stories, because I have to, just long enough until I can go back to my life. That is craziness. I don’t even know anymore. You go your whole life thinking God is one way and then suddenly nothing makes sense at all. Well Jesus dying on the cross for my sins makes sense, but that’s tangible, it’s an actual event. God is just so out there and complicated and elusive and aloof and mystical and invisible. I think people who have that person that they can say “God chose for me” and those kids that are “blessings and gifts from God.” It’s almost just too easy for them. They haven’t had to suffer through 7 plus years of loneliness and nothingness. Of no intimate connections, at least none that aren’t anything more than a really good friend. I wouldn’t use the word “intimate” to describe any of my friendships. And it’s not that they don’t have struggles. Of course they do, if we wanted to compare, (which we don’t), some are far worse than my not having anyone to hold me at night and kiss me goodbye each morning. I know that. It’s not a contest. But they give this credit to God for those intimate people in their lives. Why? Why thank Him? Did he do anything? Didn’t it just happen? Ok let’s say he did do something. Then great, that’s awesome, good for you. So, where’s my person? Where’s my love? Why isn’t she here yet? Why didn’t he ever show up all those years? I don’t know. There are just far too many questions and not enough answers. I feel like there’s only one answer needed and it’s the answer that everyone gives about everything. God loves you. Even when nothing makes sense. God loves you. Even when you don’t love yourself. God loves you. Even if it looks like to you that God is showing love to someone else in the form of a human being, and for you, all you get is a cat that sometimes loves you when she wants to or when she’s cold…God loves you. I guess that’s all you need to know. Don’t question it. Just accept it. Que sera. What will be will be.  Be like an innocent young child, before anything in life ever hurt them. Know that God loves you. Cling to that.

I don’t think it’s wrong to question. I think it’s healthy. It’s not healthy to live in a lie or in a truth you created in your mind or in some interpretation. I feel like I don’t understand or know or even believe anything else, but that God loves me. And for now, I will chant that over and over in my brain. When I turn 33 and still haven’t had a first date turn into a second date in this brave new world of girls…but God loves me. When more years go by without a child and my eggs are all drying up and I don’t know if I’ll ever have a child of my own…God loves me. When my younger, far more immature sister gets married and then sub sequentially has children (or the other way around), before me…doesn’t matter, God loves me. That’s all that I can say right now. I can’t question it and ask him to prove it anymore. I know I have things and people in my life, even if they aren’t in my daily life. I’m not without. God loves me. It’s just a fact. It’s a fact for everyone. He loves everyone, because he created everyone. I know he created the universe and everything in it. I know that he sent his only son to die for our sins so we could live in heaven with him. And I know that he loves me. That’s three things are all I know for sure. But that’s enough. It has to be. Otherwise I drive myself crazy and write a 3 page blog about it…but at least I came to that conclusion in the end. That’s what really matters. It’s not cheesy, it’s not dumb, it’s not a preschool Sunday morning song. Take it as a fact. God loves you. Take it. Let it sink in. Don’t question it. I don’t tell people what to do in my blog, it’s just my contemplations, so I’m not going to be bossy about it, because it’s not like I take my own advice all the time either. But I’m going to do my best to believe this. And tie it to my heart with duct tape, so that sucker stays there and doesn’t float away and I start to question it again. God loves me. Ok I’m done. Had to say it 12 thousand times so it could really sink in. Good luck and good night.