I realized something earlier today. I don't know shit. I don't like that word, but what else would I use? It describes it perfectly. For awhile now I've been living in this place. This place where I thought it was what was best for me. I thought to myself, "Christie, since having hope only leads to getting crushed and let down and ignored and being rejected by every potential relationship, isn't working for you, why not live in a place where your dreams are NOT coming true, because that's just what was meant to be?" I know that sounds weird, but I really thought it was what was best. I thought I needed to accept being alone for the rest of my life. Accept this in a way where I wasn't upset about it, it was just the way it is. Some people are meant to be alone. I mean look at the world. Is every single man and woman with someone or had someone and they died of old age? (because that counts as having someone. Having someone till your old counts. They just happen to die first. Sucks for the one left I guess, but your turn will come soon enough). No of course they are not all coupled up! This isn't the damn Ark! For both millions of reasons and no reason at all, people are alone... forever. They die alone. I thought that accepting forever single status would allow me to just enjoy my life without the distractions of "wondering" or "hoping," wishing on damn stars, throwing my life savings away in pennies down wells, trying and failing to connect and trying again... and again..and again. It seemed easier to me, in a way, because then I don't have to try to meet someone, like I have been for 8 and a half years. I don't have to try because this person doesn't exist. I thought it was what's best for me. I was ignorantly happy in a way. A denial happy. A pretend happy. But at the same time I wasn't happy at all. I was miserable. When that hope is gone, even that little sliver of hope that you had left, that hope you might one day run into that one person you're supposed to spend your life with, the one person that will love you for exactly who you are, but at the same time challenge you to change just by simply continuing to love you in all your failures. When that hope is gone, what is the point of living? While I see my life as something I can't control, I mean physically life or death control, because I could never do that to myself or the people who would be affected; I couldn't help but think... and wonder how much time I had left on this Earth? It's almost as if I thought if I was never meant to have someone in my life, then my life would end shortly. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me. Now that I'm typing this out I'm realizing that since I felt so strongly that one of the biggest and most important roles I thought I was created to play was both wife and mother, without those as a possibility anymore I thought to myself... well this must be it. The end. Maybe not this minute, maybe in X amount of years, but certainly not to my old age. Even writing about it freaks me out, and I kind of want to stop. I don't want to put that out there. I don't want to die anytime soon. Not at all. I don't know if we'll be able to "regret" in Heaven, it doesn't seem likely, but I still want to experience many things. Most of all love. Real love. Committed love. Physical, intimate love with the gender I was meant to have it with. I have never experienced that. I know the 2 guys I dated loved me in a way. They told me so. They showed me often and they both said they wanted to marry me. But neither did. Of course in the long run this was what was best. I am SO happy those relationships didn't make it to the finish line. I would be trapped right now... probably daydreaming about another life I could've had... with the girl next door (metaphorically speaking, there is no girl living next door to me... but I guess there could've been, in that life). But I realized today, all of a sudden in fact, with nothing to ignite it or cause the realization; that I don't have to choose either one. I don't have to choose to live in a way where I'm accepting this life I have in this very moment forever, for the end of my time on this Earth. I don't have to choose to be completely and utterly content being single because there is no one out there for me and to just accept that. I also don't have to choose to live with hope that crushes me every other day. I can live somewhere in the middle. A quote from Ginny Owens, a blind Christian singer/songwriter just popped into my head. She said "you can wonder, but you don't have to worry." Those are simple wise words. I can wonder if I'll run into this girl I feel is imaginary and only lives in the stories I make up and write out endlessly; but I don't have to worry that that won't ever happen. I don't have to worry about it, either way. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. But it's 50/50. Not 0/100. Always have hope things could change. Maybe you are doing all you can to put yourself out there. Maybe you aren't. But maybe you are doing the best you can in this moment in time, and be okay with that. Hope is an okay thing. I quoted Community the other day on my Facebook page. This one character said this about hope, and I kind of had to agree: " Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed, addict bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming. What's true will be true. Our job is to deal with that truth." While that is a dark and comically harsh view of hope, I like the last line. 'What's true will be true. Our job is to deal with that truth.' Although if you think about it I won't ever really know the "truth" of my single status. So maybe this doesn't apply at all to this situation... bad example I guess. I'll try this one instead:
"Patience is the key, because when the right time comes, it will be very beautiful and totally worth the wait." And just for kicks, some Wilson Phillips lyrics for ya: "Don't you know, things could change. Things could go your way. If you hold on for one more day." And since you don't know how many days that is... just keep holding on... indefinitely. You can do it. You're stronger than you think you are.
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