meditating on you

I wish I could draw you to me. You could be my focal point in meditation. I would close my eyes, picture you and use every ounce of energy, every part of my life-force to pull you closer to where I am. I felt a tug in my stomach when I did that. It was weird. Unlike anything I had felt before. My eyes were closed and I pictured your face and pulled you in with my mind like I was Darth Vader using the force. Or Luke Skywalker... let me be the good guy in this scenario. I pulled you in like a magnet, to me, and felt a pull deep down in the pit of my stomach. Like I was bringing you closer to me via rope that I was tugging on through my belly button. Maybe it worked. Maybe I brought you closer to me. Maybe. Maybe it's the opposite of when a ravine is coming apart. Slowly with the years of wear and tear, the earth erodes and pulls apart at the seams, slowly making what was once one, into 2. Well this is the opposite. Like a magnet, I am drawing you to me, so now 2 can become one. Ya know I used to visualize you. In the passenger seat next to me while I drove around all day at my job. I didn't talk to you, because I'm not crazy. I didn't truly see you there, but I could picture you there. You were always smiling at me or laughing. You'd put your hand on my leg briefly or squeeze my shoulder in support. But then it became too depressing to picture you there, since it's all just pie in the sky. It's wishful thinking but the highest of the highly unlikely. It's fun to dream though. I don't think that any one thing "works." Not meditating, not visualizing, not praying, not trying, not pleading to the universe. Nothing works truly. If it did, at least one of these would've worked by now. But that's alright. People can believe what they want to believe, that's their right. They just can't force their beliefs on others. They can't tell someone how to believe and what to believe in. Everything is random. I am sure of it. Even if I do end up with her or some other her, it will be all random. It wasn't meant to be, it just happened. It happened and I took it and ran with it and loved it and cared for it and in the good times and bad, we made a commitment and stuck to it. That would be nice if that happened, but I'm not counting on it. I will still try to draw her to me. I can't not do that. I don't obsess for hours, I don't stalk, I don't try to engage, I'm just here. And she's there. If I believed in reasons, I'd say there was a reason why I am so drawn to her in particular, but I don't know why exactly. I don't want to be. It's a little insane and impossible sounding anyway, but it is what it is. I like the idea of meditating. Even if it doesn't produce results, it's relaxing and calming and focuses my brain. I'm not thinking of a million things, just one. Just you. Or maybe I'll pick something maybe a little more appropriate like the rainbow I saw over Niagara Falls in Canada. It was gorgeous. I love being inside a painting. That's what it felt like. And that's what it felt like every time I looked at the Pikes Peak mountain range in Colorado Springs, Colorado. It was an ever changing painting dependent on the seasons or time of day, but it had to have been drawn... it couldn't have been real. I'm a lucky gal to have seen what I've seen. There's so much beauty and I have so much more to see. I'm thinking Grand Canyons next year. But for now I could probably use one of the beautiful scenic views I've witnessed, as a focal point for my meditation. Or I can keep using you. See if something comes of that. Why not? A girl can't live on food and water alone. She needs hopes and dreams to keep her alive.