Dressing for You

I watched this documentary produced by Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner called Suited. It was about these 2 friends that were creating suits for the LBGTQ community. I watched it because it was produced by Lena, who I love and secretly wish I could hang out with and talk about writing, and she'd help me get my book published.... ya know, stuff like that. I had never ever considered wearing a suit before. Almost all of the people in the documentary were trans men, so people that were born female and who were either transitioning to male or just identified more as one. There's a whole spectrum now, ya know. It's not all cut and dry. And I'm a firm believer of being who you want to be and not letting anyone tell you you can't be you.
I certainly didn't wear dresses all the time or anything, growing up. I wore them on appropriate occasions like church or the prom, or a choir or band concert. It's funny looking back because it was just what you did. You were a girl, you wore a dress. I don't mean all the time, but certainly there were no girls wearing the boys suits that they wore for a band or choir concert. It wasn't even an option. You wore the ugly black dress with the rest of us. That's just how it was. I accepted a lot of things based on what I was told and how I was taught to act, and of course what my peers were doing. In my free time I of course wore shorts. I mean you can't climb the tree next to your house and get onto the roof, in a skirt, I mean come on. I was also always barefoot, but that doesn't have a gender aligned with it. I remember getting a few long "prairie" skirts, or what I called "hippie" skirts. But honestly, I only wore them in the summer because it was actually cooler having that air flow up your skirt, than it was to be wearing more confining shorts. For me, it was either about comfort or obligation. Those were my 2 choices. I would never willingly wear a skirt in the winter because that would require hose or tights. Now that I'm an adult I choose to almost never wear a dress, unless it's summer and I'm going to a musical or on Mother's Day I've been known to wear a dress a time or 2 (but again it is summer) and that's for obvious reasons (to please my Mom). I also never wear jewelry anymore. Something I outgrew and never see a need for anymore. Not that I'm completely against it. I'd wear a ring if given to me by a special someone. I think it's awesome that people find their style and get to dress how they want. I would prefer to not wear clothes, like ever, so I don't fit into any category. Except the nudist colony category, I guess. But I found that that is just a bunch of old people, so I don't really want to be in that category either. I pretty much live in nowhere land, and I'm ok with that, most of the time. I always think about how I could never have a job where I had to work in an office or school, because they have to dress at least somewhat professional, and I wouldn't even know where to start. I would hate every second of it. I work where I can wear scrubs and in the summer, the t-shirts with our organization on it, with capris. Thank God for that. Plus I'm outside in and out of the heat all day driving around, so it's not like I could survive in some kind of a suit. It would literally kill me. The heat, I mean.
In the few cases where I do go out and be with people, I wear shorts or jeans, with a t-shirt that displays something from one of my favorite shows, or something funny or cute, or maybe has cats on it. And I wear converse or flip flops. I'm extremely low key and I like it that way. I don't really feel the need to be "out there" displaying who I am in what I wear. I leave that for my home. If you've ever been to my house you know that it is exploding with color and all types of creativeness. Whether I made it, bought it, collaged it, it's all my personality, it's all things I love. It's all ME. I feel like most people they go out and they show who they are, in how they dress. You can tell so much about that person, from how they dress. They take pride in that. And with me, I tell it with the way I decorate my insides, both the literal inside of my house and the inside of my being...in the bearing of my soul through the words that I write. Those 2 things are my "style." They are me showing the world who I am. That's why I used to try to get new friends that I made, to come over to my house, like all the time. I wanted to truly show them who I am. They weren't going to get it just from what I wore or what I talked about, necessarily. I wanted to show them the real me. I stop trying now, because no one ever has the time to come over, but one day, maybe I'll have someone who I can take on a tour of ME, through what is spilling all over my walls. I would truly love to do that. We all want to be seen for who we really are, and what makes us feel cool or special or beautiful.
By the end of the documentary I actually thought about how I wouldn't be against trying on a suit, that fit me right. I couldn't do a tie unless it was loose around my neck, in a sort of a "meant to be that way." I hate things around my neck, like scarves, so I seriously doubt I'd like a tie strangling me. But I might look kinda cool in a nice, tailored to me, suit. I'll probably never know because they are some dang expensive and I don't want one that bad. But if someone ever made me one, I'd wear it. It would probably feel nice to look good. I'm assuming. I can't remember the last time I did. For someone who has been on this Earth for going on 35 years, I sure do find clothing to be absolutely foreign to me. I never figured out what I look good in, or what I liked. I'd probably be a perfect candidate for one of those shows where they "fix" people's clothing styles. But I would never allow cameras to follow me like that. I do wish that when I was younger and super skinny, I wore clothes that I could've totally pulled off. Like if skinny jeans were a thing back then, I would've totally rocked them. At a time when I could've worn anything, I was wearing baggy overalls. I mean they were kind of in style, it was the late 90s, but I continued them into college... I'm not sure they were really in style anymore. But I also wouldn't have been wearing tight slutty clothes anyway. I was a good little Christian girl, there's no way that would've happened. But I still could've pulled off so much more than I did. Oh well. You can't go back. I'm not a person that lives with regrets. Everything happens for a reason. Not a reason that always makes sense to you, or a reason that you actually find out what that reason is, but a reason, no less.
I think you can express yourself in a lot of different ways, and clothing is just one of them. If that's not you, do it with food, or words or crafts or music or art or a hundred different other things. You do you. I do me. And in the end, one day, no one will care what you're wearing, because no one's going to force them into wearing what you're wearing, so why does it even matter? I'd love to be alive when we finally get to that place together. That will be a great day.