well, at least Michael "gets" me

I'm beginning to not see the point anymore. The point of anything. Why am I so unlucky?
I wrote to a friend recently about how I have tried to connect with people and how even in reaching out for a friend, I get rejected. I mean these aren't random strangers, but people I've met along the way. People I just wanted to get to know in a casual group situation, to be invited to their group maybe. I have no lesbian friends, so I thought maybe I could join the group of the one girl on my Facebook I met years ago, and just join her friends for dinner or something. Instead I got a speech about things come when you least expect them. And that I should focus on myself more and do community service. Thanks but I didn't ask for your opinion on how you think I should improve myself and live my life. She literally didn't even answer the question- Do you have a group of girls you hang out with as friends? That's all I wanted to know. I know she does. She's very outgoing and an activist and knows everyone. But, whatever.
My friend sympathized. She did. She knows the amount of effort I have put in and tried to connect with people. She doesn't understand why it has been the way it's been, for me. She poured out encouraging words and wonderful things about me, I don't need to brag here. "You are lovable," she said. It makes me cry even now. I think I know that. I know there are people I see a few times a year that love me so incredibly much. But it's not enough. Sometimes I think I'm expecting too much. But I'm really not. I'm not expecting a perfect relationship. But I'm expecting to be chosen by someone. To be picked out of the billions of other people in the world, to spend their life with me and only me. I'm not looking for a sister wives situation. I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't think that's unrealistic because there are so many people out there that are living it. At least 99% of my friends; 98% of everyone I would even call an acquaintance, or maybe a "friend" in the broadest sense of the word, are in a relationship. So what is wrong with me? I think I'm just unlucky. Maybe I'm in the wrong place. But thinking I might meet someone or connect with someone like I thought I might of on my vacation in Canada, or thinking that I might meet a girl in San Francisco, the gayest city in world... is just a pipe dream. It seems completely pointless to even hope anymore. It doesn't get me anywhere. It all feels so... pointless. I've done this before. I've prayed. I've envisioned who I want. I've written about her. I've tried to meet someone. I've gone in with no expectations and I've gone in with the mindset, I will be successful. Nothing works. I'm at a loss now. I think I'm at a complete loss now. I want to be at the bottom so I can work my way back up, but every "cliché" phrase out there, just has not worked for me in the least bit, so it doesn't even matter if this is my rock bottom, because it's not going to get any better. So no more "love will come when you least expect it." No more "if at first you don't succeed, try try again." No more, "if you're not open to love, then love can't find you." I don't know about that last one, maybe I misquoted it. But you get my point. None of those have ever worked on me. "When God closes a door, he opens a window." Nope. When he closes a door, he double bolts it and puts bars on the outside so there's no way you're getting out. I've done every possible thing and lived every possible way. I've lived my life just doing what I love, not worrying about it. I've been positive, not as much on here, but why do I need to be positive on my own blog that I use to help process and get out my feelings? Maybe somebody else in this world reads this and really gets it. It's them, too. But yeah, none of it matters anymore, because nothing changes. I was looking for places to maybe hang out in San Francisco, after I see my bestie and the kids that love me so much in Sacramento. Places where lesbians hang, but I think that's the whole city, they don't really have their own places anymore. But I probably won't even go to any of them. I'm not going out of my way, because nothing is going to come of it. Why would it? If nothing's happened in nearly 10 years why would anything happen now? This is it. This is my life. I'm going to live in this house near the lake in Dallas, with my cat, for the rest of my life. This is all I get. I don't get any more friends. I certainly don't get any more single friends. I don't get any more connections with people. I don't get any more dates. I don't get any more loves. I just have to accept that and be ok with it. I'm just not one of those people that get to have a life that she feels is what's "the norm." Maybe normal is boring. But normal doesn't mean perfect. It doesn't mean a man and a woman and a son and daughter a dog. But it does mean a family. It does mean someone that you get to love and be loved by every single day, even when you do not like them or what they did. It does mean kids, to me. I'm not going to define everyone else's normal and everyone else's definition of family. I can only define mine. I already can't have a child in the sense of them being half me and half my partner's. That's already out the window. I'm not going to pretend I'm not upset about that, but that's biology, that's just the way it is. The closest thing would be a brother's donation. A twin brother even more so, but I don't know that people really do that. That's just me being logical. All that is moot anyway, so moving on.

What do you do when everything else fails? Even though everything always amounted to nothing or I failed or people rejected me or whatever the case, I would always pick myself back up, dust myself off and whether it be a couple weeks or a couple months or more, later, I would get out and try something again. But now I can't even fathom that. Instead of indulging myself like I would in the past, thinking about what "might" happen when I go to this group, or this city, or message this person; the thought that "maybe I will meet someone" here or there, is completely shut down within the first few seconds. I'm surprised I even wasted my time looking for places to hang out while I'm in San Francisco. I can't believe I even indulged the thought of looking for a meet up group event or looking online to see if I'd connect with any one that lives in that area. I thought if I'd already be there, why not meet the people. I've kind of been thinking about what it would be like to live outside the city, since it's way too expensive in it. I'd be so much closer to my boys and I'd love to be in their life more regularly, face to face that is. I'm in their life everyday through the things I've given them and clothes they wear everyday from me, and the conversations they have about me with their Mom (my best friend). But that idea's been shot down before I even research it. I'm not risking my cat's life on a dream. The move alone will kill her. The fact she wouldn't be allowed to roam around outside there, would depress her to no end. She's more important than the less than 1percent chance I'd meet someone there. You can say I use her as an excuse not to try, but I wouldn't move there unless I already had someone there waiting for me. I would figure out the logistics of moving a cat across the country who is scared in a 2 minute car ride, if I already had a girl I was crazy about who was like "please come move to Cali for me." I would even get my own place. But yeah, not gonna happen. So back to my question. What do you do when everything else fails? I have no idea. I can tell you what you don't do. You don't go on Instagram looking at that crush you had for so long who suddenly always had a girl by her side, yet she never said she was gay. Well, she is now. Officially. I knew it. She even kind of looked like me, which only made it hurt more. Not that she knows I exist. Well I did write her a letter a couple summers ago, but most likely she never read it. It was stupid anyway. Things like that don't happen to me. There's no way I would've ever gotten her, even if we had met. I don't get to be happy. I don't get to be in love. I don't get to ever be kissed again. I don't ever get to be held again. I don't get anything. I get the scraps left by people when they have a minute to spare to give me face to face time with them. The ones their kids and spouse haven't already hoarded for themselves. As well they should. I would kill for a spouse and kids to give all my time to. My friends wouldn't feel left out, because they all already have that, so they don't really need me. They sure as heck don't need me now. So that's it. There's no point. There's no answer. There's no "things will change, give it time." If 10 years isn't enough time, then I don't want to know what is. There probably is somebody out there for everybody. But there's not someone out there for me. I don't get anyone. I figured only murderers and rapists and child molesters would fall in the category of "you don't get anyone, sorry, not sorry." But for some weird reason, I get put in that category too. Even though I'm the complete opposite in all 3 of those ways, like night and day opposite.
And now I shall leave you with a story from Michael, of The Office. You know which Michael I'm talking about:
Michael: I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.
Pam: that's a sad story
Michael: (voice breaking) yeah, well, at least he was married.
Pam: Oh, ok, Michael, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay.
Michael: no, it's not. It's not. Oh man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.

Oh Michael, I feel your pain. At least you were on a hit TV show so you were bound to get Holly (the one and only girl weird enough to like you) back at some point. And you did. And you got married and had 2 kids. Sigh... where's my weird girl?? I need someone by my bedside if I'm ever in a coma, or vice versa. (insert silly face emoticon here)

(insert awkward pity laugh here) It's ok...go ahead...I get it. ;o)