It's late Friday night and I find myself Googling "freezing your eggs." Not in a really realistic way, but in a 'I recently heard this one-half of this female comedy duo that I love, did it when she was 34,' way and so I'm going to read about her and like one more article about it and that's it. Of course she has money, which is a huge part of it. It led me to an article about these parties these fertility companies throw, convincing women in their 20s and 30s to freeze their eggs. And it reminded me again about an episode of The Mindy Project, where her fertility clinic did just that and called it "Later, baby." And then that made me think of an episode of New Girl, where Jess and Cece both get tested to see how many eggs they have left, thus telling them how many child bearing years they have left. In the end Jess has a ton of eggs left, given her more years to wait it out till she finds the right guy. TV shows are basically where I get all my information... that's a good idea, right? Man, growing up it just seemed so easy. You meet a guy in your early 20s and get married and have like all this freaking time with just the 2 of you, like actual years, many of them. And then you easily get pregnant and 4 kids later you're like barely in your 30s and you're done having kids. And you're not old and tired chasing around a toddler. And you get these beautiful children that look half like you and half like your husband, the love of your life. Probably the hardest, well really the only hard part of me coming to terms with my sexuality, was the part about giving up just that. The family I had always envisioned for myself. Specifically the children that are half me and half the person I chose to spend my life with. I guess the closest I can get to this now is if the woman I marry has a brother and that brother is healthy and a good guy and is close with his sister and wouldn't mind donating his sperm to me and if none of us felt that was weird and if everything worked out perfectly... then I could have basically a baby half me and half my "wife" well at least her genes... bearing in mind that her brother is her mom and dad's full child, just as she is. Have I lost anyone yet? But that's a lot of "ifs" and that most likely won't happen. Everyday, couples get pregnant, so fucking easy. It's not fair. But I don't think I want to know what my egg count is, like Jess on New Girl. I like to think I'm super fertile for reasons I don't need to go into on a blog, but I don't know for sure. And I just can't see myself spending thousands of dollars and injecting myself with hormones and being an emotional wreck all by myself through that time and then matching it up with some sperm donor I don't know and only I had a say in picking, because I have no partner to weigh in.... all just to have a 2-12 percent chance that one will lead to an eventual baby. Maybe that's just one articles information from 2014, but still. I don't think the odds are that great. All these other couples having babies without even trying and 100% "free" in the making of them, and I have to go through all that and spend all the money I don't have, just for the slight chance of one. Again, not fair. But nothing ever is for me. And then there's Friends. Monica and Chandler were best friends so long and then fell in love and got married and they couldn't have kids of their own, so they adopted. Monica always wanted a kid and I remember those episodes of her being sad that she still hadn't found anyone and she wasn't getting any younger. And then to have the sting of her best friend and brother accidentally getting pregnant. But in this fictional world that I'm acting like is real, they didn't see those twins (they didn't realize they were having till they came out) as anything but their very own children. And maybe that's what adoption is like. I don't think I could truly know until I experienced it for myself. Maybe you'd get as lucky as they did, the girl that got pregnant was just young and not ready. But a lot of the babies given up for adoption or taken away, are born addicted to drugs or alcohol and just because I help families with children who now have developmental delays because of those very reasons, doesn't mean I want a child that has those problems. No it's not the baby's fault and I could very well birth my own child and they could have Down Syndrome or something else, but I can tell you right now there's no way they'd have fetal alcohol syndrome or be addicted to crack when they were born. And I'm not saying all of those babies will have significant delays, but the majority do... or at least behavior or learning problems. That's what it seems to affect the most. Again, other kids not drug exposed could have learning and behavior problems too, I know. But you get what I'm saying.
I guess not every straight married couple gets to have their very own baby. So even if I was straight and married, it doesn't necessarily mean I would have a child half me and half my husband's right now. It just sucks though. I don't know that I'll ever be able to give that up; not truly. I don't know for sure, but I think when you fall in love with someone and choose to spend your life with them, then all this baby stuff just fades away. I don't mean you don't think about it or worry about it happening at all. But I think the "how" doesn't matter anymore. You have that person who loves you and accepts you and you're going to go through this together, so the child will be the both of yours, regardless of how it entered the world. All that matters is that you have each other. And the child will come to you however the child comes to you. It doesn't matter how, it just matters that he or she is loved by the both of you. And that's a nice thought to end on...
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