One of the biggest truths about life I've learned (at least about my own, I can't speak for everyone else's, I never do, that's why this blog is called "Christie's Contemplations) is that those moments when you feel like you can't take it anymore, when you feel so incredibly lonely and sad and deprived of the love you so desperately want. Those moments don't last forever. They do come back, sometime more often than you like, but even when I feel beaten down and unloved and ready to crawl out of my skin because being in it without someone to hold me tight or kiss me passionately feels just wrong, and incomplete and like I might die without someone's touch. Those moments are NOT ALL my moments. The phrase "this too shall pass" isn't completely out there. I think "pass" makes it seem like it can't come back, that's it's passing through on a one-way trip somewhere, never to return. But this longing to be held and kissed and touched by someone that loves me intimately and passionately and doesn't have any intentions to hurt or use me; well, that feeling returns over and over again. It's round-trip, it does a U-turn and comes right back. But it doesn't always come back quickly. It doesn't always come back at record breaking speeds. It can sneak attack me, it can go school speed limit slow, it can vacation somewhere for a week or more and then decide it's time to leave wherever it was, and come back to visit me again. But I've learned that it's ok. It is life and I can't do a whole hell of a lot to stop it from returning over and over again. I feel like big picture wise, I can't do anything to "change" my situation of perpetual singleness, and since hiring a prostitute to come over is never and will never be an option, I have to just learn to "get through" this moments where I just want to cry from lack of love. Rocking like an orphan who has never been held before, doesn't even work anymore. There is no cure for lack of physical intimacy, but there are some treatments that can be a bandaid for what only surgery can cure. The main one being forking out a little money on groupon for a massage. You always get a different person/business, so there's not even that consistency of that same person in your life, but at least it doesn't break the bank, and the more I can get, the better. And would I really want the same masseuse every time anyway? Nothing good could come from getting attached to your masseuse. TV shows and movies help too, because they provide a distraction in that moment. They take you to another place, another world, another life that isn't your own. It's an escape that I think in the grand scheme of things is way healthier than using drugs, alcohol, food or even sex itself as a distraction from what you really want and need. You have to be careful sometimes of what you watch, but luckily I don't really "envy" the lives of the characters on my shows. Because obviously something is going wrong in their lives, or it would be one boring show. Now the kisses and such. Aah. whatever. I'm 32, so I've seen enough of them in my lifetime that it hardly phases me anymore. It's like a Gynecologist. It's like an elbow to me. (I'm going to pretend like that made sense and move on...)
Writing is also a great means of expression and distraction. I always feel better after I send out my blog to the Universe. Whether the Universe or God Himself truly cares if I find love...well, I just don't really know about that. The jury's still out on that one. But it makes ME feel better to have my words out of my head and heart and body and thrust out into the great beyond. Somebody in Saudi Arabia could be reading this blog. Probably not, but it's possible. And they are probably shaking their head at my sad little problems. But oh well. He can start his own blog and call it whatever he wants. Like "what is this Christie girl's problem?"
I also really love making stuff. That's a general term that has no real meaning, but that's because there's no way to really explain all the things I make in one term. Maybe creations?? I put that down as where I feel safe (the other day at the young adult bible study group) "my house with my cat and my creations." Looking back it kind of sounded like I was Frankenstein and didn't really explain what "creations" actually meant. One recent example is I got this small decoupage woman's dress form mannequin and painted it and put all kinds of stickers with words and pictures describing the type of woman I want for my life, to be my love. Words like: trust, teammates, forever, smart, cute, funny and happy. It's sitting right here next to me, on my desk next to a small vase of beautiful fake (but very real looking) flowers. Every collage or creation I make, has my heart in it. It is all of who I am, of what I love, and of what means the most to me in this life. Without the ability to make all of these things, I would be on the verge of bursting out of my shell or the opposite would happen; I would shut down completely and give up totally. Thank God I live where there are Michael's and JoAnn's Fabrics around.
I feel that when I bring up how I am feeling about all this, to my friends, I don't really get a response back from them. They don't feel "bad" for me, or even just say they understand what that feels like and that it must be hard. It's like they don't even "get it," this extreme need and desire and longing I have, to have my physical human contact needs met by that one person I'm connected to emotionally (by the way, not a stranger or someone I just met, or a friend that is only going to ever be a friend). Maybe they are too uncomfortable to talk about it, or maybe it's just they can't relate at all. They can't even remember what it feels like to not have that in their life. They have been held at night in bed for years. They were kissed this morning. They hold hands with their husbands anytime they are walking down the street. I think once you have that, you can't remember what it feels like not to. It's like it's all been erased. It's like the opposite of what happens in "Eternal sunshine for the spotless mind." Great movie by the way. I watched it far too long ago, when I was young and couldn't relate to it at all...I need to watch it again...But I remember she erased him from her memories. Never to remember both the good and bad of him and their life together. The opposite happens when you meet someone and finally have all that "stuff." Sure all that "stuff" becomes less and less intense and passionate I'm sure. But that's why marriages are work and not prizes to be won and lotteries so big it's impossible to spend all that money in one lifetime. I'm not saying that physical touch in love will make everything perfect in your life, that it's some kind of be all end all. But it's still really really nice to have. It's more than nice. It's life giving. It's stress reducing. It's physically calming the nervous system and has a ton of health benefits. If it didn't, then people probably wouldn't touch each other ever. What would be the point if it didn't feel good? And I'm not talking about sex here. This whole blog has NOT been some "skirt around the word, but in reality all I really want here is sex". Of course I want that too, I'm not a eunuch. But I'm honestly only talking about being held, kissed, holding hands and long hugs here people. Seriously. So get your minds outta the gutter. But don't worry I'll gladly take all that other stuff too...in the right moment. This list of things I've mentioned, mean more to me than everything that is included in the word "sex."
So in conclusion. I'm probably more the exception than the rule, when it comes to all this physical intimacy stuff. Taken from what I gather in movies and the hook ups I'm sure evolve from sites like okcupid, I don't work like most people do. Kissing whoever and hooking up with people they've just met over a drink at some bar. Sure it's been over 7 years since I've been kissed. Sure that kind of pisses me off, to tell you the truth. But I could never just kiss someone I just met a second ago. I saw this video this artist did, asking 2 strangers to meet and pretty much go straight into kissing. I couldn't do it. At least I don't think I could. What if they have mono?? It was surprising that in some of the couples, the kiss turned long and an actual spark seemed to have occurred. For me, I only want to kiss someone I feel really connected to, emotionally, from hours of talking (at the very least and most likely over many dates). There has to be an attraction on both sides, a desire from both sides. I was asked first or did the asking, in my kissing experiences. I'm not above skipping the asking and going for what is obviously wanted on both sides...anyway, I feel like this blog has taken a turn...probably time to call it quits. Guess it's a testament to where my mind is...if you're in a desert without water, don't you mirage a pond??
I would never tell anyone what to do, how to live their life, when to engage in hand holding or sex. I read people really well, so whose to say I wouldn't meet a girl and kiss her on the first date? If it warranted it, I would! If that ever happens, they'll be a long blog describing every detail. I'm kidding! They'll just be a blog where I will be saying one thing, but actually meaning another. I'll be talking about "pizza" but "pizza" will really mean "kissing." So keep an eye out for that blog..."Christie, the pizza connoisseur" will take on a totally different meaning...
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Social experiments...I mean experiences. Part 2
So thus far we have old people and rude people, right? Well there's nothing wrong with old people, I'm just not looking to date them or become besties with them, although I'm sure they're nice people...
So I continue to try more things in the months into 2013.
To jog my memory on all the crazy fun people I've met and gotten to experience, I went to my text messages, from the friend that told me to write all this down. Now I work with a lot of let's just say "interesting" people. I can't really write about them fully, for fear that I'd get in trouble some how, breaking confidentiality or something like that. But I have to tell this story. Since I go to homes and work with families, sometimes the moms get a little too comfortable and sometimes get a little too involved in my life or offer "suggestions" of sorts. You know because I'm still single and I need a man to make my life complete. But this lady's helpful tip takes the cake: All I need is to be inseminated by a 'smart guy,' and I'll have that baby I'm apparently missing from my life. And I don't even have to pay money at some clinic. I just have to put out applications and then tell the guy to close his eyes, or I can use her brother, because apparently he's a 'smart cookie.' Yep. So I'm totally not making that up, and she was totally serious about all that. People are...let's say unique. And that's what's so great about them. Never a dull moment. Maybe it's my job that wears me out on having to use my social skills on a wide variety of truly different and sometimes difficult people, or maybe I just like dogs and cats more, but I do prefer to be home a lot of the time, rather than navigating the waves of the social scenes of a group, much less at a bar or club. I have been to the local and only lesbian bar. Well actually now there's 2, the second one being way more casual and if I had to choose, I'd go there and sit on the roof couches quietly observing people. I feel like I read people way too well. A causality of my job, learning what you can and can't say and treading lightly and reacting to all types of people, who honestly have pretty stressful lives, compared to mine. I've learned it's best to just listen. Actually that's something I've been really good at my entire life. Growing up I was the world's best listener to all my friends. But it came at a price, because I felt like they never asked me how I was doing or ever wanted to hear what I had to say. Looking back that was probably just typical teen girls. Teens are very self-involved. But just because I was quiet and trustworthy and a very loyal friend, doesn't mean that I didn't have anything to say on my own. I did speak up once about it at a retreat, with my whole group of friends there. I think everyone was stunned into silence that I talked so much at one time. But I was grateful to have friends, mostly being in my youth group at church. I wasn't by any means popular, but I did have friends and was included with them, for the most part, and that was a wonderful thing for a shy teen girl.
There was one time where I had the opposite problem. I had too much attention and had a close group of friends that I hung out with all the time, and this was not in college. I had the most friends I ever had at one given time, when I was in college. It was one of the best times of my life. But the other best time of my life was when I lived in Colorado. I moved there all alone and didn't know anyone. I remember pretty soon after moving there I went to this church's young adult group. And it just so happened that it was the Sunday that they were starting up small groups and a leader from each group was pitching and promoting theirs. It wasn't a hard sell, because the second that guy quoted Napoleon Dynamite saying that if we came to their group " all of our dreams would come true," I knew that that group was for me. And it was. A great mix of guys and gals. I made a best friend for awhile through them. I dated a guy when we merged with his group later. One of the funniest and only times I felt not only "not invisible" to guys, but also "fought" for, was on my 25th birthday. We were all at my apartment having a party and watching Napoleon Dynamite (of course), and I had one guy on either side of me, literally each one trying to out quote the other throughout the whole movie. Like it was a war for my love, whoever knew more, won me. I also had had 2 dates, one with each of them, on the 2 days leading up to my birthday. If you know me you would know that this is unheard of! It was like a Twilight who will she choose conundrum...way before Twilight existed. I was only interested in one of them, so it was made clear quickly and painlessly. Well I hope so. I didn't even realize the other guy liked me until he took me to a steak restaurant for my birthday and had flowers delivered by the waiter to our table! It's still one of the very very few, romantic things anyone has ever done for me. He's married now, so it worked out great for him anyway. But that was one of my better and happier social experiences. Ain't attention grand??!
Well sometimes attention is grand. It felt nice to be liked by 2 guys at the same time. But when you're a brand new baby to a world that you know nothing about, and a girl tells the whole group at a church Coming out workshop that you're dating, when you didn't even know you were. That kind of attention is a little on the awkward side. It was probably all me. I've never really dated. I was boyfriend/girlfriend with my 2 guys straight away. It was a friends and then we're dating, situation. People use the term dating, in the literal sense I guess. That you are going out on a date with that person. I had agreed to a date, but I actual thought it was a hang out thing, and being completely new to this whole girl thing, I didn't even realize it was real. I thought you hang out until someone asks to truly "date" you or be your girlfriend. So when she says "well I'm dating this one" and thumb points to me, I almost started to look around to see who she was pointing to. Unfortunately it scared me away to maybe giving her a real chance. We had hung out in groups and we went on a date on valentines day, (should've been obvious right), but I didn't see us being more than friends. She was like Valedictorian smart, and I guess it intimidated me. And even though she tried to back track and say she wanted to just be friends and that she really needed a friend, that didn't end up being the case, because she found a girlfriend almost immediately afterwards, and I never saw her again. I could've used a friend. But 'tis life. I did make one friend out of all these social get togethers and what nots. I met a guy in the same coming out workshop that just so happened to live 4 houses down! So we get the opportunity to hang out more than most. It's kinda like how it was in college. When people lived with you or 2 feet away. Good times...
Now I did go to a happy hour a time or two. At this one I was super proud of myself for making the rounds around the room, head held high and showing off my black skinny jeans, and how great I look in them. But again, I don't drink, so I don't really fit in there at all. I gave all those venues at least 5 tries, so it's not like I'm not giving it my all. I am looking forward to this new young adult church group. It's what I'm used to. My whole childhood/college/beyond, has always been that socialization and possibly dating opportunities are only found in a church setting (or a Baylor Christian social group, which is the same thing). So here's hoping that magic strikes again!
Well, since no more interesting social experiences are jumping out at me, I guess this blog has reached it's end. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, and I'm sure there are more to come, but until then keep on truckn', right??!
So I continue to try more things in the months into 2013.
To jog my memory on all the crazy fun people I've met and gotten to experience, I went to my text messages, from the friend that told me to write all this down. Now I work with a lot of let's just say "interesting" people. I can't really write about them fully, for fear that I'd get in trouble some how, breaking confidentiality or something like that. But I have to tell this story. Since I go to homes and work with families, sometimes the moms get a little too comfortable and sometimes get a little too involved in my life or offer "suggestions" of sorts. You know because I'm still single and I need a man to make my life complete. But this lady's helpful tip takes the cake: All I need is to be inseminated by a 'smart guy,' and I'll have that baby I'm apparently missing from my life. And I don't even have to pay money at some clinic. I just have to put out applications and then tell the guy to close his eyes, or I can use her brother, because apparently he's a 'smart cookie.' Yep. So I'm totally not making that up, and she was totally serious about all that. People are...let's say unique. And that's what's so great about them. Never a dull moment. Maybe it's my job that wears me out on having to use my social skills on a wide variety of truly different and sometimes difficult people, or maybe I just like dogs and cats more, but I do prefer to be home a lot of the time, rather than navigating the waves of the social scenes of a group, much less at a bar or club. I have been to the local and only lesbian bar. Well actually now there's 2, the second one being way more casual and if I had to choose, I'd go there and sit on the roof couches quietly observing people. I feel like I read people way too well. A causality of my job, learning what you can and can't say and treading lightly and reacting to all types of people, who honestly have pretty stressful lives, compared to mine. I've learned it's best to just listen. Actually that's something I've been really good at my entire life. Growing up I was the world's best listener to all my friends. But it came at a price, because I felt like they never asked me how I was doing or ever wanted to hear what I had to say. Looking back that was probably just typical teen girls. Teens are very self-involved. But just because I was quiet and trustworthy and a very loyal friend, doesn't mean that I didn't have anything to say on my own. I did speak up once about it at a retreat, with my whole group of friends there. I think everyone was stunned into silence that I talked so much at one time. But I was grateful to have friends, mostly being in my youth group at church. I wasn't by any means popular, but I did have friends and was included with them, for the most part, and that was a wonderful thing for a shy teen girl.
There was one time where I had the opposite problem. I had too much attention and had a close group of friends that I hung out with all the time, and this was not in college. I had the most friends I ever had at one given time, when I was in college. It was one of the best times of my life. But the other best time of my life was when I lived in Colorado. I moved there all alone and didn't know anyone. I remember pretty soon after moving there I went to this church's young adult group. And it just so happened that it was the Sunday that they were starting up small groups and a leader from each group was pitching and promoting theirs. It wasn't a hard sell, because the second that guy quoted Napoleon Dynamite saying that if we came to their group " all of our dreams would come true," I knew that that group was for me. And it was. A great mix of guys and gals. I made a best friend for awhile through them. I dated a guy when we merged with his group later. One of the funniest and only times I felt not only "not invisible" to guys, but also "fought" for, was on my 25th birthday. We were all at my apartment having a party and watching Napoleon Dynamite (of course), and I had one guy on either side of me, literally each one trying to out quote the other throughout the whole movie. Like it was a war for my love, whoever knew more, won me. I also had had 2 dates, one with each of them, on the 2 days leading up to my birthday. If you know me you would know that this is unheard of! It was like a Twilight who will she choose conundrum...way before Twilight existed. I was only interested in one of them, so it was made clear quickly and painlessly. Well I hope so. I didn't even realize the other guy liked me until he took me to a steak restaurant for my birthday and had flowers delivered by the waiter to our table! It's still one of the very very few, romantic things anyone has ever done for me. He's married now, so it worked out great for him anyway. But that was one of my better and happier social experiences. Ain't attention grand??!
Well sometimes attention is grand. It felt nice to be liked by 2 guys at the same time. But when you're a brand new baby to a world that you know nothing about, and a girl tells the whole group at a church Coming out workshop that you're dating, when you didn't even know you were. That kind of attention is a little on the awkward side. It was probably all me. I've never really dated. I was boyfriend/girlfriend with my 2 guys straight away. It was a friends and then we're dating, situation. People use the term dating, in the literal sense I guess. That you are going out on a date with that person. I had agreed to a date, but I actual thought it was a hang out thing, and being completely new to this whole girl thing, I didn't even realize it was real. I thought you hang out until someone asks to truly "date" you or be your girlfriend. So when she says "well I'm dating this one" and thumb points to me, I almost started to look around to see who she was pointing to. Unfortunately it scared me away to maybe giving her a real chance. We had hung out in groups and we went on a date on valentines day, (should've been obvious right), but I didn't see us being more than friends. She was like Valedictorian smart, and I guess it intimidated me. And even though she tried to back track and say she wanted to just be friends and that she really needed a friend, that didn't end up being the case, because she found a girlfriend almost immediately afterwards, and I never saw her again. I could've used a friend. But 'tis life. I did make one friend out of all these social get togethers and what nots. I met a guy in the same coming out workshop that just so happened to live 4 houses down! So we get the opportunity to hang out more than most. It's kinda like how it was in college. When people lived with you or 2 feet away. Good times...
Now I did go to a happy hour a time or two. At this one I was super proud of myself for making the rounds around the room, head held high and showing off my black skinny jeans, and how great I look in them. But again, I don't drink, so I don't really fit in there at all. I gave all those venues at least 5 tries, so it's not like I'm not giving it my all. I am looking forward to this new young adult church group. It's what I'm used to. My whole childhood/college/beyond, has always been that socialization and possibly dating opportunities are only found in a church setting (or a Baylor Christian social group, which is the same thing). So here's hoping that magic strikes again!
Well, since no more interesting social experiences are jumping out at me, I guess this blog has reached it's end. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, and I'm sure there are more to come, but until then keep on truckn', right??!
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Social experiments...I mean experiences
A close friend of mine once told me that I need to write down all these social outings, meetings, experiences that I was telling her about. She told me I could write a book about all these sometimes crazy, but always interesting experiences I've had with people. I think I do need to write them down, because I don't know when I'll have a whole bunch more to tell. I am an introvert by nature. I am often shy and quiet, especially in groups. Now one on one with a close friend, I have to keep myself from talking the whole time. That's what spending most of your free time alone, with a cat, does to you I guess. I guess I go through sprurts of trying to meet people and trying new groups and such. I am beginning that again with a new "young adult" group at church, that's actually including 30s now, so I am allowed to attend. It's all girls so far, which is way promising. wink wink.
But I wanted to talk about a period of time where I was having a lot of really weird experiences with people, all right in a row. I would tell my friend about each one as they would happen, and that's when she told me I needed to start writing them down! I still remember them all. Even if I don't necessarily want to.
This started back in around June of 2012. May was an interesting month, to say the least. (Now I won't say anyone's names in these storytellings, but if you figure it out for some weird reason, well that's not my fault. You must be psychic or something, or that person is you). May was intense and life altering and just all around crazy for a girl who had lived her whole entire almost 31 years of life, thinking one thing. And that one thing was, marry a man and you'll live happily ever after. I blame the Disney movies on that one. No, really it's just how I was raised and what I was around every single day of my life. All my friends were girls, and they all wanted and pursued finding that one guy. And honestly every single one of them found it. I really didn't think boys or movie stars were "hot." Guys in genral just made no sense to me, and I was too shy and quiet to be noticed anyway by them. The guy my best friend in High School asked for me to take me to prom, so we could all go together, I later in life found out that he was gay. So if that doesn't tell you something...he was actually the only guy I even ever really talked to and would sort of call a friend, in high school. He was nice to me. I was mostly just invisible to guys. And besides wanting to be like all my friends, and longing to know what it felt like to be kissed, I was ok with hanging out with just my girl friends all the time. Just to be clear if any of them ever read this, I never had feelings like that for them ever. Which brings me back to the beginning of May. I was texting literally all day every day with a friend, that was really a friend of a friend. But I developed feelings I had never had for a girl before. It was short lived though. Because by the end of May, she was here in the flesh, and all the plans we had made via text to hang out, go to a movie, dinner ect, well not one of them happened. I was crushed. Which was sort of lame, since we weren't dating or anything. But you really shouldn't bail on a friend when you make plans anyway. It's all good now, we're friends again and she knows everything about what happened, and is cool with it, and apologized for being a douche and bailing on me. But at the time I hit rock bottom because I didn't know what was going on with me, and why I was so upset, were these feelings for real? They left, after she did, but it opened a whole new door for me, and that door didn't close, just the feelings for this particular girl did.
So thus began a ton of self reflection, jouraling, book reading, counseling and getting out there and meeting people. Trying to see where to go from here. And thus, a lot of interesting people were met. The first friend I told, has a son that is gay and I knew she'd be cool with it. I couldn't even get the words out, she finished my sentence for me. I was relieved she knew what I was trying to say. She actually went to a writing group with me, that was a lesbian group I had heard about from another group I had went to before. This group was 4 much older and eccentric women, we met in the lobby of a hotel and when I was put on the spot to write something and then read it and the leader told me I didn't really write what was asked, I wanted to be like, "hey writing police! step off!" but I didn't. Writing groups are not for me I guess.
The first group attempt was a "late bloomers group." I blame my well meaning friend for that one. When I told this other close friend, she immediately set to work and googled groups. I mean like we were sitting at Pinkberry and I told her and within minutes she's on her phone looking for groups for me. I have such supportive friends. She found this group that met at La Madeleine's. Shes was like, "we're going." She literally had to pull me out of the car in the parking lot. I did NOT want to go in. But we do, and there's this long table full of silver haired lesbians. They all turn to look at me. We go to sit down and I kid you not, the first thing this lady across from us says to me is "So, you're a lesbian?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. I was stunned into silence. Not only was this my first lesbian group event ever, but I also just didn't know anything for sure yet, and she sure wasn't making me feel very accepted or safe, that's for sure. I don't remember anything from the group other than, that same lady said I looked like the actress Tony Collette, and that I found out about that writing group from them.
The 3 counseling experiences I tried, offered a variety of interesting people. The first, an obvious lesbian lady. I did NOT know this going in, and I was scared away so fast, you'd think she poked me with a hot stick. I actually wanted to get a handle on my depression for years, which stemmed from this great need and desire and this expectation that I HAD to get married, in order to be happy. So when she wanted to talk about my "feelings for girls" it was still so raw and fresh, I wasn't ready for all that and high tailed it out, never to return again. Now the 2nd counseling lady was a Christian counselor. Now she was happy to address the depression, but swept the "girl" issue right under the rug and she didn't want to even discuss it, even though I was starting to want to at this point. I got all my free sessions from my company's EAP (employee assistance program), and promptly left. But like Goldie Locks, I hadn't found what was "just right." Until the 3rd try. A 'pay what you can' counseling center for the LBGT community. It was all grad students from SMU, but I luckily got a really nice girl who made me feel comfortable and helped me a lot with finding my value and self esteem again, and getting me out there in the world meeting people. After her internship was over, they gave me a 12 year old girl who probably had never talked to a gay person or questioning person in her life. She was scared and timid, and looked overwhelmed. I wasn't really up for being her "first" so I graduated myself right on outta there. But I was ready by then anyway. In those 6 months I had joined a gym and was swimming and doing yoga. I had tried a variety of meetup groups and was exploring the lesbian community...at least a little bit.
I love movies, and since I often just go alone, I thought maybe I'll go to some meetup group ones. So I go to this guy's house who has one of these big movie rooms with recliners and a movie projector. I show up and it's like the geriatric parade. People were like in their 70s. I think the closest to my age was probably in their late 50s. I wanted to turn and run, but I'm too polite, so I stayed for one of the movies, which was an awkward, slightly disturbing movie about a girl getting caught up in a cult, and even though they were gonna watch a 2nd movie, I was like peace out.
Another time I went to a movie with a group, and it was that Tom Hanks Atlas movie. Never go to a 3 and a half hour movie with strangers. It was way too long. I would've rather seen it at home. Especially at the part where those Asian girls realize that they've been eating each other. Gross. But bad movie choices aside, I'm always proud of myself for trying, for getting out there. No friends or otherwise were ever made at these outings, but at least I tried.
Then there's the setup. Not necessarily a romantic set up. But more of a friend who says, "why don't you hang out with this girl" (simply based on the fact that she is literally the only lesbian she knew). Now that, my friends, was one of the worst experiences I've had. I somehow was taken hostage by this girl and forced to spend the whole day with her, and go to a bar, simply because I'm young and I'm supposed to enjoy drinking, right? whatever. I hate alcohol. It all tastes burn-y and gross. The day just would not end. It was lunch then ice cream, then bar then dinner with some other friend of hers. I didn't know this girl, other than as an acquaintance in college, yet she somehow felt that she could tell me to my face that I am "weird." She actually said- "you're a little weird aren't you." And while, yes, I am probably weird, I don't want some random girl telling me that. My friends say I'm quirky, and if my girlfriend said it in a "you're cute and weird, I like that" sort of way, well that would be fine. But wait it doesn't stop there! She also told me that her friend at dinner thought I was weird too. Why even tell me that?? I don't know this other girl at all, and could care less what she thinks. By telling me, it was just to hurt me, it served no purpose. But some people are just clueless and careless. And this friend of hers was basing this on the 5 minutes she spent with me. I'm quiet, I'm shy, that doesn't make me weird. I didn't jump up on the table and start tap dancing. I didn't yodel in the restaurant. I wanted to be like F you, girl! But instead I said "ok, well, bye" and jumped out of the car and went into the safety of my home. My world. My cocoon.
I fear this has gotten way too long, and to prevent people from giving up and moving on; this will be a 2 part story of stories. So until we meet again...
But I wanted to talk about a period of time where I was having a lot of really weird experiences with people, all right in a row. I would tell my friend about each one as they would happen, and that's when she told me I needed to start writing them down! I still remember them all. Even if I don't necessarily want to.
This started back in around June of 2012. May was an interesting month, to say the least. (Now I won't say anyone's names in these storytellings, but if you figure it out for some weird reason, well that's not my fault. You must be psychic or something, or that person is you). May was intense and life altering and just all around crazy for a girl who had lived her whole entire almost 31 years of life, thinking one thing. And that one thing was, marry a man and you'll live happily ever after. I blame the Disney movies on that one. No, really it's just how I was raised and what I was around every single day of my life. All my friends were girls, and they all wanted and pursued finding that one guy. And honestly every single one of them found it. I really didn't think boys or movie stars were "hot." Guys in genral just made no sense to me, and I was too shy and quiet to be noticed anyway by them. The guy my best friend in High School asked for me to take me to prom, so we could all go together, I later in life found out that he was gay. So if that doesn't tell you something...he was actually the only guy I even ever really talked to and would sort of call a friend, in high school. He was nice to me. I was mostly just invisible to guys. And besides wanting to be like all my friends, and longing to know what it felt like to be kissed, I was ok with hanging out with just my girl friends all the time. Just to be clear if any of them ever read this, I never had feelings like that for them ever. Which brings me back to the beginning of May. I was texting literally all day every day with a friend, that was really a friend of a friend. But I developed feelings I had never had for a girl before. It was short lived though. Because by the end of May, she was here in the flesh, and all the plans we had made via text to hang out, go to a movie, dinner ect, well not one of them happened. I was crushed. Which was sort of lame, since we weren't dating or anything. But you really shouldn't bail on a friend when you make plans anyway. It's all good now, we're friends again and she knows everything about what happened, and is cool with it, and apologized for being a douche and bailing on me. But at the time I hit rock bottom because I didn't know what was going on with me, and why I was so upset, were these feelings for real? They left, after she did, but it opened a whole new door for me, and that door didn't close, just the feelings for this particular girl did.
So thus began a ton of self reflection, jouraling, book reading, counseling and getting out there and meeting people. Trying to see where to go from here. And thus, a lot of interesting people were met. The first friend I told, has a son that is gay and I knew she'd be cool with it. I couldn't even get the words out, she finished my sentence for me. I was relieved she knew what I was trying to say. She actually went to a writing group with me, that was a lesbian group I had heard about from another group I had went to before. This group was 4 much older and eccentric women, we met in the lobby of a hotel and when I was put on the spot to write something and then read it and the leader told me I didn't really write what was asked, I wanted to be like, "hey writing police! step off!" but I didn't. Writing groups are not for me I guess.
The first group attempt was a "late bloomers group." I blame my well meaning friend for that one. When I told this other close friend, she immediately set to work and googled groups. I mean like we were sitting at Pinkberry and I told her and within minutes she's on her phone looking for groups for me. I have such supportive friends. She found this group that met at La Madeleine's. Shes was like, "we're going." She literally had to pull me out of the car in the parking lot. I did NOT want to go in. But we do, and there's this long table full of silver haired lesbians. They all turn to look at me. We go to sit down and I kid you not, the first thing this lady across from us says to me is "So, you're a lesbian?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. I was stunned into silence. Not only was this my first lesbian group event ever, but I also just didn't know anything for sure yet, and she sure wasn't making me feel very accepted or safe, that's for sure. I don't remember anything from the group other than, that same lady said I looked like the actress Tony Collette, and that I found out about that writing group from them.
The 3 counseling experiences I tried, offered a variety of interesting people. The first, an obvious lesbian lady. I did NOT know this going in, and I was scared away so fast, you'd think she poked me with a hot stick. I actually wanted to get a handle on my depression for years, which stemmed from this great need and desire and this expectation that I HAD to get married, in order to be happy. So when she wanted to talk about my "feelings for girls" it was still so raw and fresh, I wasn't ready for all that and high tailed it out, never to return again. Now the 2nd counseling lady was a Christian counselor. Now she was happy to address the depression, but swept the "girl" issue right under the rug and she didn't want to even discuss it, even though I was starting to want to at this point. I got all my free sessions from my company's EAP (employee assistance program), and promptly left. But like Goldie Locks, I hadn't found what was "just right." Until the 3rd try. A 'pay what you can' counseling center for the LBGT community. It was all grad students from SMU, but I luckily got a really nice girl who made me feel comfortable and helped me a lot with finding my value and self esteem again, and getting me out there in the world meeting people. After her internship was over, they gave me a 12 year old girl who probably had never talked to a gay person or questioning person in her life. She was scared and timid, and looked overwhelmed. I wasn't really up for being her "first" so I graduated myself right on outta there. But I was ready by then anyway. In those 6 months I had joined a gym and was swimming and doing yoga. I had tried a variety of meetup groups and was exploring the lesbian community...at least a little bit.
I love movies, and since I often just go alone, I thought maybe I'll go to some meetup group ones. So I go to this guy's house who has one of these big movie rooms with recliners and a movie projector. I show up and it's like the geriatric parade. People were like in their 70s. I think the closest to my age was probably in their late 50s. I wanted to turn and run, but I'm too polite, so I stayed for one of the movies, which was an awkward, slightly disturbing movie about a girl getting caught up in a cult, and even though they were gonna watch a 2nd movie, I was like peace out.
Another time I went to a movie with a group, and it was that Tom Hanks Atlas movie. Never go to a 3 and a half hour movie with strangers. It was way too long. I would've rather seen it at home. Especially at the part where those Asian girls realize that they've been eating each other. Gross. But bad movie choices aside, I'm always proud of myself for trying, for getting out there. No friends or otherwise were ever made at these outings, but at least I tried.
Then there's the setup. Not necessarily a romantic set up. But more of a friend who says, "why don't you hang out with this girl" (simply based on the fact that she is literally the only lesbian she knew). Now that, my friends, was one of the worst experiences I've had. I somehow was taken hostage by this girl and forced to spend the whole day with her, and go to a bar, simply because I'm young and I'm supposed to enjoy drinking, right? whatever. I hate alcohol. It all tastes burn-y and gross. The day just would not end. It was lunch then ice cream, then bar then dinner with some other friend of hers. I didn't know this girl, other than as an acquaintance in college, yet she somehow felt that she could tell me to my face that I am "weird." She actually said- "you're a little weird aren't you." And while, yes, I am probably weird, I don't want some random girl telling me that. My friends say I'm quirky, and if my girlfriend said it in a "you're cute and weird, I like that" sort of way, well that would be fine. But wait it doesn't stop there! She also told me that her friend at dinner thought I was weird too. Why even tell me that?? I don't know this other girl at all, and could care less what she thinks. By telling me, it was just to hurt me, it served no purpose. But some people are just clueless and careless. And this friend of hers was basing this on the 5 minutes she spent with me. I'm quiet, I'm shy, that doesn't make me weird. I didn't jump up on the table and start tap dancing. I didn't yodel in the restaurant. I wanted to be like F you, girl! But instead I said "ok, well, bye" and jumped out of the car and went into the safety of my home. My world. My cocoon.
I fear this has gotten way too long, and to prevent people from giving up and moving on; this will be a 2 part story of stories. So until we meet again...
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
"single white female" problems
OK. first off. This is going to be a part complaining post and part contemplation post (I'm hoping at least; because as I type complaints, I often contemplate them and reach some sort of a revelation or reminder, in the end). I cleverly call it "Single white female" problems, poking fun at the term "white people" problems. Because yes in the grand scheme of life or taking a look at the problems of America, or the world, mine aren't really problems. But this blog has my name in it, thus making it quite selfish. so there. deal with it. (hint of sarcasm implied).
Maybe my problem as a "single white female", is not having any "single white female" friends. Or any color for that matter. At least not in a close capacity of friendship. (I love using quotes by the way, whether they need them or not). But what makes life so unfair to me (again with my pity party for one), is that the friends I hold close are not physically able to be there for me like I would like, anymore. They aren't able to go on a trip to out of state with me, or hang out on a Saturday with me. Two wildly different spectrums, but each not possibility. Not when you have a husband and kids, which "golden time" is reserved for. "Golden time equals weekends and vacations. And this totally sucks! Or maybe it's even reserved for tighter friends than me, I don't know. (My best friend lives 7 and a half hours away. I like to think we'd hang out every weekend, if she lived here. Not alone of course, but I do love my godsons more than any other kids on the planet, so that would be okay too). I also love parentheses too...
I want to not have to ask anyone to hang out with me on a Saturday or take an out of town trip with me. I just want it to be implied! A given. Because we are dating or living together or married or what have ya. If I had close single girlfriends, it's not that they could hang out with me all the time, that would be too much. But I could ask them and most likely they could, unless they had already made plans. They would be able to go out of town with me on a vacation. They wouldn't be lacking financial resources or time off, (at least not necessarily), because they wouldn't have already used it up on their husbands and children, the really important people in their life. I want to be that "really important person" in someone's life. My best friend always says she admires me for being brave and always going to things alone, concerts, musicals, vacations ect. Well I don't care about being brave anymore. I'm not brave. I just really wanted to see that singer and nothing was going to stop me. But I also really want to visit Washington state, see the fields of tulips, the orca whales, the mountains, the ocean. But can I do that with the ones I hold dearest? No. because they have obligations and loved ones and it's just not feasible. Well, that's just not fair. (Told ya I was gonna complain). At least I'm not throwing the biggest fit ever, like Rachel did in Glee tonight, just because Santana auditioned as her understudy. Who care, Rach?? Seriously. Do you remember who Idina Menzel's or Kristin Chenoweth's understudies were in "Wicked." well no of course you don't because Idina is your birth mom, and Kristin in a drunken lady that went to High school with your old Glee teacher. But in the real world, understudies aren't remembered by name. So don't freak out. You're still the star. I don't know that you're "better" than Santana, but you're better in your own way. Ok enough about Glee, that's not really the point. Just a comparison to the single white female throwing a hissy fit about what's making you mad...sounds like me, ok I get it.
The problem isn't that I'm not capable of going on vacations alone. You can't say, "But Christie, have you even done it before? Don't knock it till you try." Why yes, yes I have. Many many times, both in local Texas trips and out of state ones as well. And guess what. While some events in them, like say a concert, is just truly incredible and I would have to say "worth the trip," that doesn't mean that the rest of the trip wasn't boring, and depressing and lonely. Because it so is. Traveling alone, (car or plane), eating out alone, walking around the town, seeing the sights alone, going on "tours." All that freaking sucks, especially when everybody in your cave tour is a family and when they make you take that stupid picture in front of the ugliest part of the cave, all alone, you feel like an even bigger loser than you already did. I still do it. I still go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. Feeling like a loner loser doesn't stop me. Except this time it is. I really want to visit Washington. I really want to go spring time because as an added bonus there are fields of a million tulips, which puts our Dallas Arboretum ones (that open up in about a day and die), to shame. That's what the website said. a million. Kinda makes our bluebonnets in Ennis sound a little lame, I gotta say. But anyway. I just can't do it this time. I have too many experiences and feelings of what it's like to walk around a city I don't know, all alone. I don't want to experience that feeling again. At least not so soon. I just got back from a weekend in San Antonio all alone, and while seeing Kristin Chenoweth made the 5 hr drive one way and the eating enchiladas alone at a little Mexican restaurant (the only other table being a group of friends), and walking the streets alone and trying to balance my continental breakfast on my arms so I could take it up to my room to eat, since I wasn't gonna share a table with a little family, and the all-family cave tour plus 1 single gal, worth it. (she's just THAT incredibly amazing and I will see her 500 more times, alone if I have to). It still doesn't make me want to hop a plane and spend twice the amount of days to see the sights of Washington, all by my lonesome. I ain't meetn' up with Kristin up there! If I was I'd be on a plane tomorrow. But then I wouldn't be all alone, thus negating my whole rant. If my friend didn't go with me to New York city for my 30th birthday, I would have never gone. There's no way I would navigate that huge city all by myself. I would just wander around lost and cry probably. It wouldn't be like that in Washington. I'm sure I could find my way and I already did it in Colorado. Went there alone and visited it many years in a row alone. Although after already living there, I did know people, so it was different. I did most things alone, still. That's just me, though. But I'm kinda sick of it. I'm way sick of it in fact. I want my person. Like Meredith and Cristina from Grey's, only we won't grow to hate each other, although I don't blame Cristina, Meredith is all uppity and thinks she's better than her because she's married and has kids. You can totally tell that. (and that's not what my friends think of me, I know). I just want someone, a girlfriend, in particular, as it would be much more fun (hotel wise), than if it was just a girl that is a friend. wink wink. Ugh. life is so frustrating. On a different yet similar note. Connection and chemistry are frustrating. I just haven't been lucky in that area. There's been connection before, but not chemistry. That's the problem when you fall for a straight girl...(and that's the only girl you ever fell for, who isn't a character on a show or an unattainable actress). But that's so totally over, not pining for her in the least bit, if you were wondering about that. One of those bubble bursts things. I guess I digress, but I hope I do find that some day. I really really do. I really don't want to go through life without ever experiencing true love and chemistry and connection and passion and everything rolled into one. I really really really hope that comes true for me someday. Preferably one day soon, I'm not getting any younger.
So what conclusion have I come to? I still feel like it sucks, and I don't want to do it. Go alone on a trip that isn't a day or 2 in within driving distance of home. I just don't want wanna and nobody can make me. I guess I haven't learned anything yet. Oh well. Maybe that's for another day. Maybe I'll go next Spring. Maybe I'll have someone by then, or maybe I'll just not give a fuck anymore and just go have a kick ass time with the orcas all by my lonesome. Maybe. We'll see. I'll probably still be writing this blog by then, so maybe I'll have a new story to tell. Here's hoping...cuz this baby's getting kinda old and tired and worn out...time for some fresh meat. some new blood. Come and get me!! Or at least be out there when I do try ;o)
Maybe my problem as a "single white female", is not having any "single white female" friends. Or any color for that matter. At least not in a close capacity of friendship. (I love using quotes by the way, whether they need them or not). But what makes life so unfair to me (again with my pity party for one), is that the friends I hold close are not physically able to be there for me like I would like, anymore. They aren't able to go on a trip to out of state with me, or hang out on a Saturday with me. Two wildly different spectrums, but each not possibility. Not when you have a husband and kids, which "golden time" is reserved for. "Golden time equals weekends and vacations. And this totally sucks! Or maybe it's even reserved for tighter friends than me, I don't know. (My best friend lives 7 and a half hours away. I like to think we'd hang out every weekend, if she lived here. Not alone of course, but I do love my godsons more than any other kids on the planet, so that would be okay too). I also love parentheses too...
I want to not have to ask anyone to hang out with me on a Saturday or take an out of town trip with me. I just want it to be implied! A given. Because we are dating or living together or married or what have ya. If I had close single girlfriends, it's not that they could hang out with me all the time, that would be too much. But I could ask them and most likely they could, unless they had already made plans. They would be able to go out of town with me on a vacation. They wouldn't be lacking financial resources or time off, (at least not necessarily), because they wouldn't have already used it up on their husbands and children, the really important people in their life. I want to be that "really important person" in someone's life. My best friend always says she admires me for being brave and always going to things alone, concerts, musicals, vacations ect. Well I don't care about being brave anymore. I'm not brave. I just really wanted to see that singer and nothing was going to stop me. But I also really want to visit Washington state, see the fields of tulips, the orca whales, the mountains, the ocean. But can I do that with the ones I hold dearest? No. because they have obligations and loved ones and it's just not feasible. Well, that's just not fair. (Told ya I was gonna complain). At least I'm not throwing the biggest fit ever, like Rachel did in Glee tonight, just because Santana auditioned as her understudy. Who care, Rach?? Seriously. Do you remember who Idina Menzel's or Kristin Chenoweth's understudies were in "Wicked." well no of course you don't because Idina is your birth mom, and Kristin in a drunken lady that went to High school with your old Glee teacher. But in the real world, understudies aren't remembered by name. So don't freak out. You're still the star. I don't know that you're "better" than Santana, but you're better in your own way. Ok enough about Glee, that's not really the point. Just a comparison to the single white female throwing a hissy fit about what's making you mad...sounds like me, ok I get it.
The problem isn't that I'm not capable of going on vacations alone. You can't say, "But Christie, have you even done it before? Don't knock it till you try." Why yes, yes I have. Many many times, both in local Texas trips and out of state ones as well. And guess what. While some events in them, like say a concert, is just truly incredible and I would have to say "worth the trip," that doesn't mean that the rest of the trip wasn't boring, and depressing and lonely. Because it so is. Traveling alone, (car or plane), eating out alone, walking around the town, seeing the sights alone, going on "tours." All that freaking sucks, especially when everybody in your cave tour is a family and when they make you take that stupid picture in front of the ugliest part of the cave, all alone, you feel like an even bigger loser than you already did. I still do it. I still go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. Feeling like a loner loser doesn't stop me. Except this time it is. I really want to visit Washington. I really want to go spring time because as an added bonus there are fields of a million tulips, which puts our Dallas Arboretum ones (that open up in about a day and die), to shame. That's what the website said. a million. Kinda makes our bluebonnets in Ennis sound a little lame, I gotta say. But anyway. I just can't do it this time. I have too many experiences and feelings of what it's like to walk around a city I don't know, all alone. I don't want to experience that feeling again. At least not so soon. I just got back from a weekend in San Antonio all alone, and while seeing Kristin Chenoweth made the 5 hr drive one way and the eating enchiladas alone at a little Mexican restaurant (the only other table being a group of friends), and walking the streets alone and trying to balance my continental breakfast on my arms so I could take it up to my room to eat, since I wasn't gonna share a table with a little family, and the all-family cave tour plus 1 single gal, worth it. (she's just THAT incredibly amazing and I will see her 500 more times, alone if I have to). It still doesn't make me want to hop a plane and spend twice the amount of days to see the sights of Washington, all by my lonesome. I ain't meetn' up with Kristin up there! If I was I'd be on a plane tomorrow. But then I wouldn't be all alone, thus negating my whole rant. If my friend didn't go with me to New York city for my 30th birthday, I would have never gone. There's no way I would navigate that huge city all by myself. I would just wander around lost and cry probably. It wouldn't be like that in Washington. I'm sure I could find my way and I already did it in Colorado. Went there alone and visited it many years in a row alone. Although after already living there, I did know people, so it was different. I did most things alone, still. That's just me, though. But I'm kinda sick of it. I'm way sick of it in fact. I want my person. Like Meredith and Cristina from Grey's, only we won't grow to hate each other, although I don't blame Cristina, Meredith is all uppity and thinks she's better than her because she's married and has kids. You can totally tell that. (and that's not what my friends think of me, I know). I just want someone, a girlfriend, in particular, as it would be much more fun (hotel wise), than if it was just a girl that is a friend. wink wink. Ugh. life is so frustrating. On a different yet similar note. Connection and chemistry are frustrating. I just haven't been lucky in that area. There's been connection before, but not chemistry. That's the problem when you fall for a straight girl...(and that's the only girl you ever fell for, who isn't a character on a show or an unattainable actress). But that's so totally over, not pining for her in the least bit, if you were wondering about that. One of those bubble bursts things. I guess I digress, but I hope I do find that some day. I really really do. I really don't want to go through life without ever experiencing true love and chemistry and connection and passion and everything rolled into one. I really really really hope that comes true for me someday. Preferably one day soon, I'm not getting any younger.
So what conclusion have I come to? I still feel like it sucks, and I don't want to do it. Go alone on a trip that isn't a day or 2 in within driving distance of home. I just don't want wanna and nobody can make me. I guess I haven't learned anything yet. Oh well. Maybe that's for another day. Maybe I'll go next Spring. Maybe I'll have someone by then, or maybe I'll just not give a fuck anymore and just go have a kick ass time with the orcas all by my lonesome. Maybe. We'll see. I'll probably still be writing this blog by then, so maybe I'll have a new story to tell. Here's hoping...cuz this baby's getting kinda old and tired and worn out...time for some fresh meat. some new blood. Come and get me!! Or at least be out there when I do try ;o)
Friday, January 24, 2014
cool. cool cool cool.
If you don't know where the line in my title is from, we can't be friends. I'm joshing ya. It's from Community, one of my most favorite shows of all time.
The character Abed, who is an Asperger's-like character, uses this phrase in moments of great happiness or excitement over something in his life that is important to him. And he always means it. Except for this last time, most recently, when he found out his best friend, his rock, the only person in the world that got him, was leaving. Since he was attached to a lie detector machine when he said it, he was outed that this time his "cool. cool cool cool," was a lie. A cover up to pretend that he was fine with his whole world changing and the one person he could count on to not see him as weird, leaving.
The reason I titled this with that line, other than the fact that it was the first thing that popped into my head. I was trying to figure out a word to describe how I'm doing. And "cool," is it. And I'm not lying on that one. Like the character of Abed, he both lives in his world that he loves so much (his movies and tv shows), and in the real world with his friends, but often he combines them, referencing real life situations to that of a show or movie, which can annoy his friends sometimes, but they've grown to not just tolerate it but accept it and enjoy it along with him. I feel like both Abed AND his friends, the other characters on Community.
I don't just tolerate my life now. I not only accept it but enjoy it to the fullest. I am so content and happy with how my life is going. I feel like it is super full. Anything and anyone else that may enter or add to it, would just be a added bonus. Something unexpected; a free dessert offered at a restaurant for absolutely no reason, the bank adding $20 to your account just cuz. Do these things happen? Sure, why not! It's not something you ever expect or ask for, it just happens.
I don't know the exact date this change happened. I mostly certainly didn't "decide" this. If I could just "decide" to be happy being alone and not having the love I've always wanted in my life right now, then I would have chosen it a long time ago. Some time in the past 7 years for sure. I can't say for sure what it was. Was it discovering a new favorite show- Lost Girl, which I've become kinda enthralled in (because "obsessed" is too much of a stalkery word), and watched all 3 seasons in less than a month? Maybe. Was it reading all 3 of the Hunger Games series the past couple months and being so into it that I felt what the characters felt, their hurt, their pain, their anger towards the Capitol? (like it really existed). Sure why not. Also going along with Hunger Games, I am so incredibly involved in the characters that I'm actually writing a continuation story, a "what happens next" kinda thing. For me and my best friend who wanted to know more and wasn't satisfied with the ending, (and whoever else would like to read it). I don't think it was one thing in particular. Because if it was, then again, it would be more of a decision to be "happy and content" which I think it's kind of not being "real." I could lie and say I'm okay with my life and it's fine I don't want to get married, it's not a big deal, whatever who cares. That would be me actually not being okay with it, obviously. No, something happened without my knowing it. I was just enjoying my life doing all the things I love to do and just realized how full and content and happy I was, all 3 different feelings, but all really good things. Mollie my cat brings a ton of love into my life. Texting my bestie that lives across the great state of Texas which is quite far, (if you know anything about Texas), makes me feel special and loved and of great importance to someone, all things I thought I could only have in a mate. And even though I can't see my beloved boys that bring such joy to my life, as much as I would like, I know that one little boy in particular is always asking about me, wanting to see a video of me, wanting to hear "sissy's song," which is me singing the Dixie Chicks "Godspeed" to my boys on video. He even named his stuff cat I gave him "mollie" after my mollie, based on all the videos I send of her. That and more is why my life is so full as is. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a comforting feeling, being okay as you are, it's like you can breathe again. It's like you can enjoy all the things you always have, but in an even better way. I sometimes get overly excited over a TV show, or a new movie trailer, or something that happened in a book or a song coming on that I love so much. Especially with the shows, I used to feel almost embarrassed that I got that excited. And I was home all alone! No one even witnessed my excitement, so why on earth would I be embarrassed? I would feel inside that I was being lame and not cool and a loser just because something that I felt most people would think is not big and exciting, excited me. It wasn't an engagement proposal, or a positive pregnancy test, but if something really cool happened on a show, it mattered to me and it made me happy. So get over it, self! I've stopped feeling that way. Again I didn't choose it, it just happened. I didn't get that feeling inside, the last time something really cool happened on Community.
These past couple of months have been really really awesome. Maybe it hasn't even been that long. I can't put a date on it, but I was living in greatness and contentment without even realizing it...until I did.
I shared this great feeling with my bestie and her response made me feel even more amazing and even more loved. And maybe even that her prayers were a big part of how I got here, even though I didn't even know about them at the time it was happening. She said, and I quote: "I'm glad you feel content. That makes me so happy. I pray on a daily basis for you and that you will find love, but also that you will feel happy until you do. You do have an awesome life, you should feel proud of what you have done." I have an awesome best friend, don't I??! I always say she is the best thing to come out of my time in Colorado. I feel like I moved there to meet her. Even though I thought it was to meet my Colorado mountain man. Funny where life takes you...
I feel grateful to be in this place, because I don't feel like it's anything I've done. I wished countless times to just be "ok" with never getting married. I just could never accept it. And it would just make me feel worse, that I couldn't make myself "be okay." But it's not something I have to accept. Do I still want to get married and have a kid? (albeit just one kid now), yes of course! I'm not going to run from it if it comes down my path in life. I'm not going to turn the other way or dart around it. But am I truly content all on my own and if that continues longer? Most definitely. Because I have the freedom to do whatever I want without asking anybody's permission or opinion or compromising anything. It's a great gift that may not last forever. I think I do have it harder than my friends who went straight from college to being married, because they didn't get all cozy and settled into a life of singleness and doing what only they wanted to do, without compromise, at least not in a home based setting. But it's cool. It's cool cool cool. If and when that happens, I will enjoy all the perks and work on all the other stuff...like everybody else in a marriage has to do.
*And to mention briefly about how in previous blogs it was quite obvious (as I mentioned it a million times), that my biggest hurdle in this contentment rollercoaster singleness train, has always been centered around "wanting to be held and kissed" just that physical aspect that I needed to survive or felt I did. I'm sure once I have it again, it'll be like crack and I won't be able to get off it. But my mind kind of slipped into a forget-ness mode and I actually cannot remember for the life of me what it feels like to be kissed. And I would say being held too, but I can kind of still remember that feeling only because I do get a hug every now and again. I don't say this at all to sound like "poor me" or Debbie downer. In fact it's the opposite. It's a good thing! I am thankful I can't remember! It's hard to miss something you can't exactly remember. Now all this will be thrown out the window the next time I'm in a relationship and if it ends, then I'll be back at square one in this respect, but for now, it's a huge saving grace. Maybe my brain chose to block it out, since it was hurting me so much, wanting that and not being able to get over wanting to share life with someone in that capacity and enjoying those perks of relationships. My body ached for it (kissing and being held, so get your mind out of the gutter people). So maybe my brain intervened. Whatever the reason, it's extremely helpful in my circle of contentment and happiness. I'm glad for it, while it lasts...but I'll still welcome back those kisses when the time is right ;o)
The character Abed, who is an Asperger's-like character, uses this phrase in moments of great happiness or excitement over something in his life that is important to him. And he always means it. Except for this last time, most recently, when he found out his best friend, his rock, the only person in the world that got him, was leaving. Since he was attached to a lie detector machine when he said it, he was outed that this time his "cool. cool cool cool," was a lie. A cover up to pretend that he was fine with his whole world changing and the one person he could count on to not see him as weird, leaving.
The reason I titled this with that line, other than the fact that it was the first thing that popped into my head. I was trying to figure out a word to describe how I'm doing. And "cool," is it. And I'm not lying on that one. Like the character of Abed, he both lives in his world that he loves so much (his movies and tv shows), and in the real world with his friends, but often he combines them, referencing real life situations to that of a show or movie, which can annoy his friends sometimes, but they've grown to not just tolerate it but accept it and enjoy it along with him. I feel like both Abed AND his friends, the other characters on Community.
I don't just tolerate my life now. I not only accept it but enjoy it to the fullest. I am so content and happy with how my life is going. I feel like it is super full. Anything and anyone else that may enter or add to it, would just be a added bonus. Something unexpected; a free dessert offered at a restaurant for absolutely no reason, the bank adding $20 to your account just cuz. Do these things happen? Sure, why not! It's not something you ever expect or ask for, it just happens.
I don't know the exact date this change happened. I mostly certainly didn't "decide" this. If I could just "decide" to be happy being alone and not having the love I've always wanted in my life right now, then I would have chosen it a long time ago. Some time in the past 7 years for sure. I can't say for sure what it was. Was it discovering a new favorite show- Lost Girl, which I've become kinda enthralled in (because "obsessed" is too much of a stalkery word), and watched all 3 seasons in less than a month? Maybe. Was it reading all 3 of the Hunger Games series the past couple months and being so into it that I felt what the characters felt, their hurt, their pain, their anger towards the Capitol? (like it really existed). Sure why not. Also going along with Hunger Games, I am so incredibly involved in the characters that I'm actually writing a continuation story, a "what happens next" kinda thing. For me and my best friend who wanted to know more and wasn't satisfied with the ending, (and whoever else would like to read it). I don't think it was one thing in particular. Because if it was, then again, it would be more of a decision to be "happy and content" which I think it's kind of not being "real." I could lie and say I'm okay with my life and it's fine I don't want to get married, it's not a big deal, whatever who cares. That would be me actually not being okay with it, obviously. No, something happened without my knowing it. I was just enjoying my life doing all the things I love to do and just realized how full and content and happy I was, all 3 different feelings, but all really good things. Mollie my cat brings a ton of love into my life. Texting my bestie that lives across the great state of Texas which is quite far, (if you know anything about Texas), makes me feel special and loved and of great importance to someone, all things I thought I could only have in a mate. And even though I can't see my beloved boys that bring such joy to my life, as much as I would like, I know that one little boy in particular is always asking about me, wanting to see a video of me, wanting to hear "sissy's song," which is me singing the Dixie Chicks "Godspeed" to my boys on video. He even named his stuff cat I gave him "mollie" after my mollie, based on all the videos I send of her. That and more is why my life is so full as is. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a comforting feeling, being okay as you are, it's like you can breathe again. It's like you can enjoy all the things you always have, but in an even better way. I sometimes get overly excited over a TV show, or a new movie trailer, or something that happened in a book or a song coming on that I love so much. Especially with the shows, I used to feel almost embarrassed that I got that excited. And I was home all alone! No one even witnessed my excitement, so why on earth would I be embarrassed? I would feel inside that I was being lame and not cool and a loser just because something that I felt most people would think is not big and exciting, excited me. It wasn't an engagement proposal, or a positive pregnancy test, but if something really cool happened on a show, it mattered to me and it made me happy. So get over it, self! I've stopped feeling that way. Again I didn't choose it, it just happened. I didn't get that feeling inside, the last time something really cool happened on Community.
These past couple of months have been really really awesome. Maybe it hasn't even been that long. I can't put a date on it, but I was living in greatness and contentment without even realizing it...until I did.
I shared this great feeling with my bestie and her response made me feel even more amazing and even more loved. And maybe even that her prayers were a big part of how I got here, even though I didn't even know about them at the time it was happening. She said, and I quote: "I'm glad you feel content. That makes me so happy. I pray on a daily basis for you and that you will find love, but also that you will feel happy until you do. You do have an awesome life, you should feel proud of what you have done." I have an awesome best friend, don't I??! I always say she is the best thing to come out of my time in Colorado. I feel like I moved there to meet her. Even though I thought it was to meet my Colorado mountain man. Funny where life takes you...
I feel grateful to be in this place, because I don't feel like it's anything I've done. I wished countless times to just be "ok" with never getting married. I just could never accept it. And it would just make me feel worse, that I couldn't make myself "be okay." But it's not something I have to accept. Do I still want to get married and have a kid? (albeit just one kid now), yes of course! I'm not going to run from it if it comes down my path in life. I'm not going to turn the other way or dart around it. But am I truly content all on my own and if that continues longer? Most definitely. Because I have the freedom to do whatever I want without asking anybody's permission or opinion or compromising anything. It's a great gift that may not last forever. I think I do have it harder than my friends who went straight from college to being married, because they didn't get all cozy and settled into a life of singleness and doing what only they wanted to do, without compromise, at least not in a home based setting. But it's cool. It's cool cool cool. If and when that happens, I will enjoy all the perks and work on all the other stuff...like everybody else in a marriage has to do.
*And to mention briefly about how in previous blogs it was quite obvious (as I mentioned it a million times), that my biggest hurdle in this contentment rollercoaster singleness train, has always been centered around "wanting to be held and kissed" just that physical aspect that I needed to survive or felt I did. I'm sure once I have it again, it'll be like crack and I won't be able to get off it. But my mind kind of slipped into a forget-ness mode and I actually cannot remember for the life of me what it feels like to be kissed. And I would say being held too, but I can kind of still remember that feeling only because I do get a hug every now and again. I don't say this at all to sound like "poor me" or Debbie downer. In fact it's the opposite. It's a good thing! I am thankful I can't remember! It's hard to miss something you can't exactly remember. Now all this will be thrown out the window the next time I'm in a relationship and if it ends, then I'll be back at square one in this respect, but for now, it's a huge saving grace. Maybe my brain chose to block it out, since it was hurting me so much, wanting that and not being able to get over wanting to share life with someone in that capacity and enjoying those perks of relationships. My body ached for it (kissing and being held, so get your mind out of the gutter people). So maybe my brain intervened. Whatever the reason, it's extremely helpful in my circle of contentment and happiness. I'm glad for it, while it lasts...but I'll still welcome back those kisses when the time is right ;o)
Friday, November 1, 2013
Why am I not getting it??? Obviously I am not understanding or accepting or believing or choosing to believe that I do not need someone special to make my life complete, or just to feel truly loved and special because that one person has chosen to be with me and I with them. I feel like everyone that already has someone (and thus I believe does not get to weigh in on this), says that I have to love myself more or I have to love God more or something I don't even know. Everyone says that no one will complete me yada yada yada. Ok fine. what do you want me to say? I agree? I can lie and agree with you. But I am lacking. I am lacking in attention. I am lacking in love. I am lacking in touch and being held and being kissed, and I can give myself a ton of attention and love all day long, but it's not the same as it coming from an actual human being who chooses me. Who loves me for who I am. Why does nobody get this? I don't understand why they don't understand my point of view. It's like they've been loved for far too long to remember what it feels like to have no one to come home to, that even knows if you're alive, that kisses you when you walk in the door and wants to hold you in their arms at night. If they have been with someone for most of their adult after 21 life, then how on earth am I supposed to believe them? How on earth am I suppose to trust them? I need someone. And I know desperation is not a trait that anyone wants, but how am I supposed to play it cool and pretend like I don't need anyone and I can be single forever what 'evs. I can't do it. If I haven't been cool with it for the past 7 years of absolute singleness, then how on earth am I supposed to just flip to the other side and be some kind of believer in "I am the only one I need to feel whole and loved and important and special." I feel like someone is trying to teach me Chinese, who only speaks Chinese and with no picture cards. So I'm trying to understand something I am completely incapable of truly understanding, even with hand gestures. Those aren't enough. Nothing I currently have is enough. It's probably due to not seeing my friends enough, but they are married, busy people, and they can't provide me what someone I'm in a relationship can provide me. And I know I sound selfish, but if you truly know me and have been a close friend of mine, you know how much I care about my friends. And how I love making little things for them, or cards or messages checking in on them. I do this for those I love. So it's not just what this one person can do for me, it's what I can do for them. For her. As it might be. As what I picture the most when I picture someone. A girl with long naturally curly hair, but whose being picky...not me. haha. I don't know how to want this less. I don't know how to be ok with just me, at least not for the rest of my life. I sometimes can keep it at bay. The swelling in my heart. That raw need and desire to be known intimately. Not just physically, not even mostly physically. Emotionally intimacy. I want to know everything about this person, as much as I want them to know it about me. The swelling is almost too much for me in this moment. My heart feels like it might burst out of my chest and run away, because I'm not using it in the way I was meant to. Thankfully I am not one to try to stop the swelling with drugs or alcohol. That's just not me. I am hopeful that maybe writing this out into the universe also known as the webeverse, will subside the swelling some. It does work some of the time, or at least momentarily, in the past. It's different than just writing it out to yourself. I wish petting Mollie would help more. It does some, but she doesn't let me pet her for hours. I did just get up and open the window for her, kissing her on her wet nose, as she allows me a kiss a few times a night. And this did help some with the swelling in my chest. There's no answers. People can talk at me till their blue in the face, they can think that they were in some magical amazing place of contentment, before they met the one. maybe they were. but maybe they were for like a minute, in the grand scheme of time, and not 7 years like me (and many years before those 7 as well). They were single and content for a short period of time. Maybe they dated a ton. That's not me. I've dated 2 guys. that's it. one for a year (and a year as friends before that), and then kind of almost a couple more times...it's a long story. And one guy I was ready to marry after only knowing him for 5 months. That's a real crazy story. But too personal and people know who I'm talking about, so not appropriate in an online venue. So anyways, I sigh and look over at the pile of clean clothes on my bed currently wrinkling with every passing moment that I don't get up and go fold it. So thus this ends tonight's sad lament of my current state. At least I can poke fun at it a little. Overdramatically is the best way. And so I push back my swollen heart, back into my chest pocket. And survive another day, with it still in place. I can survive. If anything. I can get out of bed and go to work and enjoy all my activities that do bring me happiness. I can breathe and I can walk. I can sing and I can sort of dance, but not really. I can bring smiles to babies, more than I bring tears. I can attract dogs and cats to me as if I was hiding treats in my pocket, but I never am. I know my spirit is good. animals know this about people. they and babies are the best judges, because they don't have anything to be prejudiced about. They look into your soul and read you for who you are. So, I must not be too bad after all. I may not be a social butterfly, but I am the truest of friends. I stay as long as they let me. I truly don't understand why I am still alone. Why I must walk the earth as a wife and mother, but only have friendships and godsons. I wish it was enough. I really do. I wish I could live in blissful ignorance that my simple life is grand! I have no need for deeper love and connection, emotional intimacy and visibility from someone. But I don't have that capability. Or incapability. I am me. I can't change the longing in my heart. I can't lessen it even a little. This is me. God I didn't want singleness to be my "cross to bear" I truly hate that term. What Jesus did can not be compared to any little struggle we have to endure. So I don't get that term or like it. But people usually have one that they carry their whole life. I really really don't want this to be that. It's been long enough. I'm putting it down. I want my arms to be able to wrap around a human being and keep them there for longer than the few second hug most people give. I want them to be able to rock a baby to sleep, my baby. Not one I have to give back. That's what I want. That's what I need. I'm not blinded to the fact that that life is extremely difficult at times and I'm sure I'll want out. Out at being a wife. Out of being a mother. But that doesn't mean I will run. No way. I will fight for those people. Because we chose each other. We belong together and we fight and cry together. Because we also love extremely hard together. That sounds incredible. Thorns and all. That kind of love is worth fighting for.
And that's all she wrote...for now.
And that's all she wrote...for now.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The hunter
My Mollie's a hunter. She wants a bug, she looks all around the yard for one. She never gives up, and she always finds one. Then she plays with it until it's dead or almost dead. Now that last part I don't want to emulate, but I do want someone to play with. Or keep...
What a lesson on perseverance. On not giving up. On having a goal and being to the point of tunnel vision, until you get it. I wish I could be like my cat. Hold up. I have my spotify on, playing random songs and Coldplay's "Fix you" starting playing right when I was typing that last line. "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. " Mollie always succeeds in getting her bug. I feel like I have the opposite success. I try and I don't succeed, in making connections with people. I know you can't force chemistry, with anyone. But even when I go in confident and positive and friendly and smiling, I still don't succeed. I wish that meeting a special person with which I can build a relationship with, in a dating and romantic capacity, was as easy as it is for Mollie to find that bug. I don't know if she's looking for a particular bug, I'm not in her head, I guess any bug will do for her. Also I never liked that second part of the line in Coldplay's song. "When you get what you want, but not what you need." I mean I get it, but I think they did it because it rhymed. Shouldn't it be "when you get what you need, but not what you want." I could argue that I need love, so this line in and of itself would be just fine. But in the literal sense I have all my "needs" met: food, clothing, water, air and a roof over my head. You don't truly need anything more. Or do you? I feel like I need that one person: to share food with, buy me clothes (or share), save water with by showering together, breathing life into me with a kiss, and sharing a house with four walls and a roof with me, living with me, enjoying and navigating the day to day life. That is the true meaning of a "life well spent."
Mollie doesn't give up on finding herself a bug. So why should I? Yet I'm over here all ready to give up on finding my "bug, " or even just a bug to play with for a little while. I can't be a hunter. It's not in my nature. I'm a nester. A gatherer. If you've seen my house you'll get that. It is a museum of my life. I surround myself with everything that represents me, that makes me happy, that defines me, that explains me. There's no question as to what I like, who I am, when you see inside my house. Yet, I am willing to give up my museum for the right person. The right girl possibly. Or guy. I'm not gonna rule anything out. It seems less likely, but anything can happen. I spent years thinking I was gonna get a puppy, and I wound up with the most adorable kitten in the world, who licks my nose exactly like a dog would do, to wake me up in the morning. So who am I to say who the right person for me is.
Sometimes in the darkest of times, I think I need a new dream. Especially since I am doing nothing currently to make my biggest dream come true. Well except existing on a dating website, but just existing currently. But like Mollie, I feel like I was made to find that bug. It would be like asking Mollie to now serve coffee at a diner or teach Spanish. This is her new dream. This is what she was created to do. And that's just silly, and impossible. Although she understands many words in English, I guess it's possible for her to learn a few in Spanish...
I was made to be a wife and mother. I've known this since I was a little girl. I was also made to be a teacher, and I already do that. I teach babies and parents every day. But when is it my turn? I know I could adopt. But I'm not going to, not by myself. I couldn't afford it on my own, nor would I hardly get to see my baby if I was always working to support it! When I was little I was focused on the babies. The cabbage patch dolls. I don't remember much about who I was married to or where they were in my play scenario. I usually sent them off to work so I could home school my babies. That seems kind of funny now, since I don't really know who I am meant to be with. It just depends on who I meet, and not just meet, but connect with. That second part feels so hard. Like near impossible. People aren't always willing to try. They want instant attraction. That's just silly. And even if I got all dolled up for you, that would not last longer than that date and maybe the rarest of dates or anniversaries. It's just not me. And I shouldn't have to change or pretend to look a certain way, like that's who I am all the time. If my hair is brushed, you should count that as a victory.
Another thing I notice about Mollie is that she doesn't settle for skimming the surface either. She doesn't just go after those bugs on the grass or flying through the air. Those are the obvious places to find bugs. Like it would be at a bar or club, for me. Sometimes those bugs she finds there are fun to play with for awhile, but she knows that if she digs down into the ground, she'll find the best ones. Her favorite ones to play with. The little garden snakes. They are the ones I freak out over and sweep out as soon as she brings them in, so let's not take that comparison too literally here. But to her those are the hardest to find and her prize capture. I know you got to dig deep to find the best ones, and that seems not only overwhelming to me, but impossible, and when you start to doubt that a person for you even exists...that there are no more garden snakes at all in the yard, or any yard for that matter...well you start to give up hope altogether. I find it incredibly hard to have any faith whatsoever that this person for me will not only find me, but that they even exist at all. I think that every one on the planet should have a love of their life. Granted I know that most will lose them in old age, and thus at that point you have to find other ways to enjoy the rest of your life without them, but at least you had them for 50 years or so! In my case I'm not old! I'm 32. Yet sometimes I feel that way. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the it's too late for me sense. I should already be married with 2 kids, a 3rd on the way. But now I feel like my only option is to have 1 at most, because if I find this person, then I'll have to have dating time, short engagement, and marriage time without kids and I don't want this to be like a year long altogether, nor do I want 3 babies in 3 years. I want a long time of just the 2 of us. But women can't have children safely into their 40s. I know in the microscopic of possibilities I could meet this person tomorrow, so I would have plenty of time. But again it goes back to faith and hope! I can't say for sure, because I've never had cancer or spoken with anyone intimately who has. But I'm pretty sure that many of them would say it was faith and hope that got them through it. That got them better, in a way. But those that didn't get better, those that died. I'm sure their loved ones would say- why didn't my prayers work? Why didn't my faith and hope for them work? And I'm sure at times the inflicted had that same hope and faith for themselves as well, that they would get better. But I delve off into murky waters with this one, so I'll stop right there with that.
Maybe because Mollie has met so many bugs, has connected with so many and gotten to play with them for awhile, maybe that's where her faith comes from. That there will always be more. Maybe I'm losing mine because it's been 7 years since I've connected with someone in the capacity I'm longing for. In a romantic, can't go a day without talking to you, want to see you and spend as much time as possible with you, sort of way. I've only caught 2 guys like that and that was so long ago I barely remember how. Oh that's right. I was just myself. And it was in college and a small group in a church setting, so much much more easy to meet someone that way. All laid out in the smallest of cubic feet (when you compare it to the entire world as my playground setting I have as my only option now). Both of those are not possible situations for me anymore.
But I think I still have some hope left. In the way way back of my mind. In the small corner of my heart. In the depths of my soul, its shadow holds it's hand out, waiting for someone to grasp it. To say wait up! I'm here. I got your hand. I've been hunting for you for so so long. I've looked everywhere. There you are. Maybe even if I'm not a hunter, my soul is. And maybe that's enough.
What a lesson on perseverance. On not giving up. On having a goal and being to the point of tunnel vision, until you get it. I wish I could be like my cat. Hold up. I have my spotify on, playing random songs and Coldplay's "Fix you" starting playing right when I was typing that last line. "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. " Mollie always succeeds in getting her bug. I feel like I have the opposite success. I try and I don't succeed, in making connections with people. I know you can't force chemistry, with anyone. But even when I go in confident and positive and friendly and smiling, I still don't succeed. I wish that meeting a special person with which I can build a relationship with, in a dating and romantic capacity, was as easy as it is for Mollie to find that bug. I don't know if she's looking for a particular bug, I'm not in her head, I guess any bug will do for her. Also I never liked that second part of the line in Coldplay's song. "When you get what you want, but not what you need." I mean I get it, but I think they did it because it rhymed. Shouldn't it be "when you get what you need, but not what you want." I could argue that I need love, so this line in and of itself would be just fine. But in the literal sense I have all my "needs" met: food, clothing, water, air and a roof over my head. You don't truly need anything more. Or do you? I feel like I need that one person: to share food with, buy me clothes (or share), save water with by showering together, breathing life into me with a kiss, and sharing a house with four walls and a roof with me, living with me, enjoying and navigating the day to day life. That is the true meaning of a "life well spent."
Mollie doesn't give up on finding herself a bug. So why should I? Yet I'm over here all ready to give up on finding my "bug, " or even just a bug to play with for a little while. I can't be a hunter. It's not in my nature. I'm a nester. A gatherer. If you've seen my house you'll get that. It is a museum of my life. I surround myself with everything that represents me, that makes me happy, that defines me, that explains me. There's no question as to what I like, who I am, when you see inside my house. Yet, I am willing to give up my museum for the right person. The right girl possibly. Or guy. I'm not gonna rule anything out. It seems less likely, but anything can happen. I spent years thinking I was gonna get a puppy, and I wound up with the most adorable kitten in the world, who licks my nose exactly like a dog would do, to wake me up in the morning. So who am I to say who the right person for me is.
Sometimes in the darkest of times, I think I need a new dream. Especially since I am doing nothing currently to make my biggest dream come true. Well except existing on a dating website, but just existing currently. But like Mollie, I feel like I was made to find that bug. It would be like asking Mollie to now serve coffee at a diner or teach Spanish. This is her new dream. This is what she was created to do. And that's just silly, and impossible. Although she understands many words in English, I guess it's possible for her to learn a few in Spanish...
I was made to be a wife and mother. I've known this since I was a little girl. I was also made to be a teacher, and I already do that. I teach babies and parents every day. But when is it my turn? I know I could adopt. But I'm not going to, not by myself. I couldn't afford it on my own, nor would I hardly get to see my baby if I was always working to support it! When I was little I was focused on the babies. The cabbage patch dolls. I don't remember much about who I was married to or where they were in my play scenario. I usually sent them off to work so I could home school my babies. That seems kind of funny now, since I don't really know who I am meant to be with. It just depends on who I meet, and not just meet, but connect with. That second part feels so hard. Like near impossible. People aren't always willing to try. They want instant attraction. That's just silly. And even if I got all dolled up for you, that would not last longer than that date and maybe the rarest of dates or anniversaries. It's just not me. And I shouldn't have to change or pretend to look a certain way, like that's who I am all the time. If my hair is brushed, you should count that as a victory.
Another thing I notice about Mollie is that she doesn't settle for skimming the surface either. She doesn't just go after those bugs on the grass or flying through the air. Those are the obvious places to find bugs. Like it would be at a bar or club, for me. Sometimes those bugs she finds there are fun to play with for awhile, but she knows that if she digs down into the ground, she'll find the best ones. Her favorite ones to play with. The little garden snakes. They are the ones I freak out over and sweep out as soon as she brings them in, so let's not take that comparison too literally here. But to her those are the hardest to find and her prize capture. I know you got to dig deep to find the best ones, and that seems not only overwhelming to me, but impossible, and when you start to doubt that a person for you even exists...that there are no more garden snakes at all in the yard, or any yard for that matter...well you start to give up hope altogether. I find it incredibly hard to have any faith whatsoever that this person for me will not only find me, but that they even exist at all. I think that every one on the planet should have a love of their life. Granted I know that most will lose them in old age, and thus at that point you have to find other ways to enjoy the rest of your life without them, but at least you had them for 50 years or so! In my case I'm not old! I'm 32. Yet sometimes I feel that way. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the it's too late for me sense. I should already be married with 2 kids, a 3rd on the way. But now I feel like my only option is to have 1 at most, because if I find this person, then I'll have to have dating time, short engagement, and marriage time without kids and I don't want this to be like a year long altogether, nor do I want 3 babies in 3 years. I want a long time of just the 2 of us. But women can't have children safely into their 40s. I know in the microscopic of possibilities I could meet this person tomorrow, so I would have plenty of time. But again it goes back to faith and hope! I can't say for sure, because I've never had cancer or spoken with anyone intimately who has. But I'm pretty sure that many of them would say it was faith and hope that got them through it. That got them better, in a way. But those that didn't get better, those that died. I'm sure their loved ones would say- why didn't my prayers work? Why didn't my faith and hope for them work? And I'm sure at times the inflicted had that same hope and faith for themselves as well, that they would get better. But I delve off into murky waters with this one, so I'll stop right there with that.
Maybe because Mollie has met so many bugs, has connected with so many and gotten to play with them for awhile, maybe that's where her faith comes from. That there will always be more. Maybe I'm losing mine because it's been 7 years since I've connected with someone in the capacity I'm longing for. In a romantic, can't go a day without talking to you, want to see you and spend as much time as possible with you, sort of way. I've only caught 2 guys like that and that was so long ago I barely remember how. Oh that's right. I was just myself. And it was in college and a small group in a church setting, so much much more easy to meet someone that way. All laid out in the smallest of cubic feet (when you compare it to the entire world as my playground setting I have as my only option now). Both of those are not possible situations for me anymore.
But I think I still have some hope left. In the way way back of my mind. In the small corner of my heart. In the depths of my soul, its shadow holds it's hand out, waiting for someone to grasp it. To say wait up! I'm here. I got your hand. I've been hunting for you for so so long. I've looked everywhere. There you are. Maybe even if I'm not a hunter, my soul is. And maybe that's enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)