I just broke a wireless keyboard, a wireless mouse, a picture from my wall that was technically already broken, (the frame was, this time I threw it and shattered the glass everywhere) and subsequently a picture from the other side of the wall because of the vibration from throwing the keyboard at the wall. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between my job only caring about how much money we make them and not the babies themselves, and the ever increasing traffic due to Dallas being "The place to live" because of our job boom in town... and most importantly that I have no one to come home to and talk about it with, or not talk about it with, just to be held by them and kissed or just let me fucking cry about it in their arms until I've exhausted myself and can move on. I have nothing and nobody. When everything in your life is just... nothing, just empty and meaningless... it's hard to see any good in it and any point, really. Meaning something to someone every now and then, connecting with that someone, every once and awhile, doesn't cut it for me. That's not life. That's not living. That's short and brief. That's not actual in your face everyday life giving life. Even on nights where you don't really talk, you just veg out and watch TV, it's still better than doing that every single night all alone. If it isn't obvious, I am very angry. I don't have an outlet other than flipping out in traffic with the window down, sure to scare all the people on the road into thinking I'm an escaped mental patient, or throwing things and screaming at home, scaring Mollie as well as the old quiet Asian couple I share a wall with, who I'm sure have 911 on speed dial and their thumb on it, ready to push send if something goes down over here, like a gun shot or something. I wouldn't do that. Take the easy way out. Not to make anyone feel bad who has tried that or had a love one do that, because lots of people have serious mental illnesses, and untreated, undiagnosed or even just the inability to stop themselves... I could never speak on anybody but my own self. I don't think what I do, helps either though. Nothing does. I wish there was a pill you could take and you would just feel at peace all the time, but that's not realistic. You have to feel bad sometimes. So that you know what feeling good really is. Otherwise it is meaningless. "good' would be normal.
Wrote this a few days ago:
I've had a lot of, let's just say "different" experiences lately. Things I haven't experienced before. Big events, both not good in general, and not good... to me. I feel like I'm just kind of floating through at this point. The other day I felt something I can't say I had fully felt before. I shut down completely. Not in a "depressed" way, or even a disassociating from reality kind of way. I've experienced those before. I came home from work, I got into bed and I shut off. I laid there and didn't sleep or take stock of my day or detox or do any of those things. I closed my eyes and felt nothing and thought nothing. At one point I was trying to reboot myself and was telling myself to open up my eyes, but I literally could not. It wasn't that I was tired. It wasn't that I was sad or down. Maybe I was, but all I felt was nothing. There wasn't really a word to describe it. And instead of feeling refreshed when I did manage to open my eyes and sit up and move and put my feet on the floor... I felt slow to warm up and slow to think and feel again. It was literally like restarting a computer. Maybe not a fast one, but like the one I have. It takes longer than a few seconds for it to be ready to start a web browser or open a program. And sometimes you have to click on it again, like it didn't really get it the first time. I don't know if I've fully warmed up. I have had moments of awake-ness, almost like a jolt of electricity. But I'm pulled down more easily than before. Again not to the pit of despair. But to that numbness again. That feeling of nothingness. But it's not all the moments, so that's at least something. Creative types, writers, get into their head too much. Like I am now, processing things. I actually kind of liked that shut down moment I had, because I'm always thinking and feeling and processing. But it's not good to be there too often and definitely not in the times where you should be present. People both drain me and charge me up. It depends on the person and it definitely depends on if there's more than one person. I definitely am drained by a group. I feel left out and actually invisible, especially when I say something and no one responds, because they didn't hear me because I didn't talk as loudly as the others. But one on one, I can be a chatterbox. I get charged up, passionately talking about my passions. It can depend on the person, because I can definitely not talk or know what to talk about in one on one situations, but usually I'm not terrible at it. I prefer one person, to a group. It's harder to connect with a group, than it is with just one person, I mean obviously. The worst is being a 3rd wheel. I hate that so much. More so with a couple, for obvious reasons, but also with 2 friends. I still manage to get left out or can't chime in with what they are talking about already. Anyways, it is what it is, and I'm getting hungry and just want to move on to turning my brain off. I haven't done it too well tonight.
I bought 3 lotto tickets after work, in a desperate attempt to somewhat "control" my destiny or something, I don't know. All I knew is that I wanted out. Out of my job, my current life, and into a better one, and what better way than by winning the lottery and having the money to do so! Money can buy happiness. In some ways it can. Not all the happiness in the world, but that's impossible anyway. But it can be used to take trips, pay for meditation or yoga classes, pay for therapy or relaxing spa getaways, all great mental health resources and such. It can allow you to spend your time the way you want to, and not worry about having an actual job to make money. There's no job that pays enough money to live on, that I want to do. Nothing. I'd like to walk dogs, and do some kind of volunteer work with elementary school age kids, and go to the gym everyday while everyone's at work. That's what I'd like to do. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight... and maybe I'll meet someone to share my life with... the odds are the same.
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