Fears

Do you ever think about fear? Like snakes. I don't like seeing any snake whatsoever. Even if it's just a garden snake, they just creep the bejeezus outta me. And rightfully so. Even in the bible snakes are freakn' terrifying, a snake was what tempted Eve and caused her to sin which I totally understand why she did it, but that's a whole other story. Some fears can be overcome by diving deep into them. Like zombies. I was totally freaked out by zombies. Like I'm talking about even just the zombies in Zombieland, which was totally meant to be a comedy. But after years of hearing about the show The Walking Dead, I decided to conquer my fear of zombies and dive in head first. At first I tried not to look at them too much, just looked at the alive actors. The storyline hooked me in and I got addicted quick. I cringed a lot and covered my eyes and gasped, but now I am desensitized to it all. That's not to say I wouldn't freak out if a real live zombie was coming at me. You better believe I'd lose it. But I know it's just a whole lot of makeup and sometimes special effects. After the sheer number of zombies I see per episode, and being that I'm on episode 30 something, I've officially gotten over my fear of zombies. But when I think about "diving deep" into a tank full of snakes, in order to get over my fear of them, that's a whole other story. To be quite honest I don't think I could do it. Not for any amount of money. I would probably have a heart attack, or if I did survive, from that day on I would wake up every night thinking that there were snakes crawling on me. I don't think I could get that sensation off of me, of a snake's skin on me. I shudder just thinking about it.
So there's real fears of something physical and tangible (ie snakes) and fears of the "fiction" kind or at least not real at this moment in time (ie zombies). But there are also fears that you cannot put your hands on, or see on a screen. They are the fears that lie inside us. Emotional fears. Inadequacy, rejection, loneliness etc...we all have them. I was thinking the other day about how my greatest fear in life isn't snakes, because they aren't in my day to day life. I don't live in the amazon where I'm faced with them every day. And it really is good to be scared of them, because many are poisonous and can kill you, or squeeze you to death, so it's okay to be scared and stay away. My greatest fear is that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And I was thinking about how this has been my fear for forever, but guess what? I'm still alive. The zombie didn't bite me and the snake didn't swallow me up. This fear doesn't have power. I conquer it every day, by continuing to fight. Even if that fight is just to survive, just to live and not give up, no matter how long its been since I've had someone kiss me or hold me in their arms. As much as I say I feel like I'm dying inside without that, I'm still here. I haven't physically keeled over from lack of physical love and affection. There's no end in sight to getting this for myself. To finding someone. There's no time line, there's no guarantee. And while some would say, conquering a fear of being alone forever can only be achieved by going on a million online dates, blind dates, meet up groups ect "trying" to find someone, putting yourself out there or even just doing what you love to do and see who you meet. What I love to do is watch movies. And the last movie group I went to I was the only one under the age of 65, so... Well maybe I'm not "trying," in that sense of the word, as in trying to find someone so that I'm not alone, but I am surviving. I am breathing, I am going to work and I'm paying my bills and visiting my family and going out with friends on occasion and thinking up new ways to show my godsons how much I love them. (most recently I am going to put a puppet show together to a song). I'm doing what I can, at the moment. And I believe I am facing my greatest fear every single day of my life, and I don't think many people can say that they do that. Unless their job is to feed the lions at a zoo and their greatest fear is lions.
I don't know how to want something less. Can you want air or water less? Can you stop wanting something that you've wanted your whole life and haven't stopped wanting it for even a second? No I don't think so. But you can choose to sometimes just breath. Just stay alive and just get out of bed, and just live your life the best way you know how. Maybe something will happen that day, maybe not. You have control over where you go some of the time, what you do, which direction you take. Some choices are made for you, but as adults you get to make many of them all on your own. I don't think God has a plan. That doesn't mean he doesn't love us, he sent his only son to prove that. But I don't think he has a set plan, because then it would be like he was a puppet master, making us go one direction or choose one thing over another. I think we make our own choices. I think things just happen, because they happen. Some peoples choices affect other in a negative way, and sometimes stuff just happens just cuz it does! There's no reason behind it. But I think it's good for people to believe that "everything happens for a reason." I'm not one of those people, but kudos for you, and I think if it makes you feel better about something really crappy happening to you or a loved one, then by all means believe that and let that peace help you. If it's not coming off as sincere, I mean it to be, I'm not being sarcastic. I'm not even being a downer. I haven't lost faith, I've just been at this "game" for far too long to believe that everything happens for a reason and that I'm alone because God wants me to be or there's some reason behind it. I don't think there is. I've been in this singles game for so many years now without even making contact with the ball and hitting it somewhere in the field. It's like a swing and a miss or no one throwing me the ball, or getting hit by the ball. But enough about balls... haha
I've got to get over this expectation that everything will happen for me as it did for all my friends, bullshit. I'm just being realistic in saying that I don't know if I'll ever get the wonderful opportunity to love someone the way I want to be loved. But maybe that person is out there thinking the exact same thing right now. That would be pretty funny to swap stories later on about how we were feeling now in our separate lives. She can read all my blogs and be like wow, I can tell you where I was on "may 24, 2014" and I was lying on the floor praying for something to happen in my life, cuz I was just like done with it. It would be cool to have some new stories to share, some new adventures with someone in a capacity like that. I have a whole list of 30 plus "things I want to do when I get a girlfriend." Things like lay out and look at the stars, show her my 'ol stomping grounds ie Baylor campus, ride a tandem bike together, just silly stuff like that. That would be cool if at least some of those things happened in my lifetime, before I am too old to do most of them. But it is what it is.
My screenplay has a lot of scenes of things I've wanted to happen with someone I was in love with. Connections being made via talking... and not talking. I think it's therapeutic to write out situations I long to be in. If I got to see it on the big screen, it would be like watching one of the many movies I love, that just bring me joy and hope sometimes. I don't know why. It just does.
Just like you can't live in a fear that there is a snake or zombie around every corner, you also can't live in the fear that you will be alone for the rest of your life. Some who take the "universe" route of life, they would say I am making myself stay single by thinking that. Well. Believe what you want to believe. I don't tell anyone how to believe or what to believe in. I don't think I would have all these letters in a shoebox addressed to "my future love" if I truly believed my fear that I will always be alone. Fears are fears. They have truth to them otherwise you wouldn't have them, but they don't have to rule your life. They don't have to control you. Please seek therapy if your fear is of being raped or beaten, because this has happened before to you. There is nothing better in cases like that, than therapy, and the right therapist. But other fears, on an emotional level, often they are not totally true. You aren't inadequate. You aren't rejected. You aren't alone. You feel that way AND you have SOME proof that you are, but in reality it's not enough. Because you are more than that. You are more than that fear that you think is your whole life. Hopefully someone out there will tell you that you aren't ____ (whatever you think you are). But even if there isn't a soul to be found, ya gotta tell yourself that you aren't. Put up a sign on your mirror that says "you aren't a loser" if that's what it takes. Put it in your car, in your refrigerator. Or better yet, put up a positive phrase. Also you gotta make new signs every so often, otherwise it becomes a constant on your wall and you don't even look at it anymore because its not out of place anymore, it's like another one of your many paintings or pictures. Mine says- "you are a fighter. Wonderfully weird, loved and worth it." None of that says I will be alone forever. Except for maybe the weird part. haha. But no, I need to do a new one or move it somewhere because it's just a part of my mirror now and I forget to read it.
I don't usually challenge people in my blogs, because I really am just writing out my own contemplations on my life, on love and whatever I'm feeling. But try it. Whatever your greatest fear is (emotional fear), put some phrase or word up somewhere and read it everyday. I'm not saying it will work forever. But for now is good enough. Any day when you don't live and hide in that fear, is a good day.