shoebox of hope

It should really be no surprise how much I crave and desire and thirst and ache to find that one true love to spend my life with. When every day I'm constantly being reminded about how much importance is put into that kind of love. Whether it be in a song, a movie, a TV show, a musical I attend, or even just status' on Facebook. Every friend I've ever made finding their love and getting engaged, then married, then having kid, before I've even been on one date with one person. All of that "stuff" is vomited on me on a daily basis, that I don't even have time to take a shower or change before I'm puked on again. Not a great picture, I know. I actually despise vomiting in movies... and real life. I have no desire to ever see Pitch Perfect ever again, because of the vomiting scene. Just thinking about it now is making my stomach churn. So, why bring it up? I don't know. Hearing about love doesn't make me sick like that does. It makes me angry, and jealous and spiral into a deep depression sometimes, but it doesn't make me violently ill. I really absolutely have no desire to attend another wedding again ever, but I have and I will, even though I've said that for years now. I can quietly and respectively sulk without it affecting the mood of the wedding. I'm an expert at that. *But in all honesty, if my little sister who recently got engaged, and who I must preface by saying we are about as close as you are with the coffee barista you see every so often... well actually you probably see them more than I see my sister, so bad example. Let's just say we're not close. We have nothing in common. And I'll never understand her, and we are about as opposite as 2 people can possibly be... and not in an opposites attract kind of way, but in a clash of personalities and characteristics that could never work in any type of relationship ever. I'll always love her, since she's family (and sorry I went off on a tangent with these last sentences so I'll star this and pick it back up with my original thought) *But in all honesty, if my little sister who recently got engaged, asked me to be a bridesmaid and stand up on stage with her and do all the things bridesmaids do, I would very politely and respectively decline. If I have that much trouble attending my good friends weddings, whom I love and am happy for... but at the same time both jealous and sad that this means I will see far less of them than I used to; then you can imagine how I would feel about standing up in front of my whole family, as the still single older sister loser, who's sexuality is in question and who they think is already the crazy cat lady. I am, but still...No, I couldn't take that, and am not willing to subject myself to that just because it's the "traditional" thing to do in a wedding- have your flesh and blood sister at the bridesmaid or maid of honor. Since when have I been about tradition? I'm glad she found someone to take care of her though. It's a really really good thing... especially for my parents. And that's all I'll say about that.

Music is such a HUGE part of my life and about 90% of music is "love" themed. I swear, it's like a huge percentage. I have been in love before, so I guess I get it. However I no longer think about my exes during these songs, or at all (seriously not like at all. I'm not overselling that point). So these songs sometimes can make me hopeful for a love yet to be found, or sad that I don't have that love yet, and haven't for over 7 years. By the way I am completely aware that a good 99% of my posts are love related, however, I do not care. It's where I am in my life. It's where I've been for a long time... desiring love. I'm not gonna apologize for being somewhere that 99% of my age population is already at in life... spending their every day time with the love of their life. Coming home to someone, cooking dinner, fighting about what to watch, one falling asleep in the arms of the other because it's a show they didn't want to watch. I would love to have that kind of night. Mostly because I crave the physical touch more than anything. I was re watching Orange is the New Black and Piper says something like "it's not even sex. I miss contact" (and even though later that same day she's making out with her ex Alex). I SO get what she means. Human contact is everything. Touch is everything. Maybe not to everybody, but I think something's wrong with you, if you don't like it. haha. Sorry. Then the transgender hairdresser replies back to Piper saying something very important- "The body gets lonely in here. Human beings aren't supposed to live like this." And even though she's literally talking about being in a prison, and I'm not going to even attempt to debate anything on that subject, I relate it to my life. It's lonely in here, in my world, in my home, in my life, in my body. I would never in a million years hook up with random people for some human contact. I am getting more lenient in my thinking on how many dates and all that... I'm almost 33, I'm not some 15 year old that lives at home with my parents. But obviously there has to be a connection, and emotional connection, chemistry and friendship, but more than friends clearly. But human beings aren't supposed to live like this. Like I'm living. Without human contact or very little that doesn't involve a cat or holding and hugging the baby against their will. Kidding. I only hug babies that I know won't throw a fit over it. I work with babies, if you are wondering where I'm getting all these babies from. I'd like to meet a woman who has not been in a relationship or had any physical contact like I'm talking about, for longer than my 7 and a half years. I'd like to sit down with her, fascinated to see how she's survived and what tips she has. If she says she has a ton of single girlfriends that she hangs out with a lot and are real "huggy" gals, then she's out. Her opinion doesn't matter. I'm kidding, it would matter some, but it's not the same as how I'm living.
But back to the music point I was making, man I'm all over the place tonight. I think about those songs, those lyrics. They are written because they apply to so much of the population. They are hits because people relate to them. I guess being in love, no matter if it was just a very late teen college love, and a really short intense we're gonna get married, love, it still was love and I'm grateful to have been loved at all. I can relate with the rest of humanity, to those songs. Or some of them. I love "wedding" songs so much. I have this long list of songs I wanted to play at my wedding. Billy Joel's- She's got a way... Etta James- At last... Alison Kraus' When you say nothing at all...and many more I can't remember right now and don't know where my list is. It's an old list. Nowadays several Joshua Radin's songs will be added to it, as well as Sara Bareilles' "I choose you." I love love songs. I love what they represent and how they make me feel. Even if that feeling is "sadness" sometimes. Without love or the hope of love, life would be so completely pointless and lifeless and just not worth living.

My friend texted me after one of my blogs, and her words meant a lot, because I think she gets it, and she was encouraging as well. She said "I love how you know what you want and you won't settle. I feel like that means when you finally get what you want, it'll really be the best thing for you. Cuz you didn't fuck around wasting time on things you knew wouldn't work for you. That's awesome. I know it's hard to see, but I'm so excited for you when it happens." I'm lucky to have friends that are excited for me. They are excited for someone I haven't met yet. I'm stuck in a hopeless place of being convinced that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, that there truly is no one out there for me. My deepest fear, a truth, a reality. Meanwhile my bestie just knows that there's someone out there for me. She just accepts it. Like it's a fact. An inevitable truth. She's like love's around the corner! And I'm like which corner? The corner of First and Amistad? Wait. That's where you find God. (10 bonus points if you get what song that line is from).  I tell her that she's got to have enough faith for both of us, because I don't have any. Or not much. If I didn't have any, I guess I wouldn't go to any of the meet up groups and events that I personally scheduled. I wouldn't have gotten involved in the young adult class at church, online sites, every venue I can think of. They've all failed dramatically, but I probably will keep investigating here and there. I can't try all the time. It's not in my nature to be super social and to spend my free time doing things I don't want to do, and meeting strangers, but I know if I WANT to find someone (which I do) I have to keep trying. Even if I'm convinced there's no one out there and that it's all pointless. I could be wrong. I'm wrong about a lot of things. I just don't like to admit it.
I heard a crash just now and a bag of baby stuff had fallen off my shelf. It's a small bag, but I've bought a couple owl or cat related items for a baby I do not have and might not ever have, but I bought it because I would have regretted it or been mad if I couldn't find it once I had a child. It is just the cutest stuff ever. I don't seek this stuff out, but I spoil my godsons a ton, so I find something for myself on the rare occasion. I also have this awesome alphabet painting that is just the coolest thing you've ever seen. The same thing goes for my letters I wrote to my "future husband" since I was 16, but randomly started writing "future love" many years ago, before I ever realized anything about myself, so it's good that it's generic and not gender specific. haha. And there's some to my future girl as well, written in the past 2 years. I think I need to write another one soon. It gives ne hope. I'm glad I've done them for so long. When that person that marries me, opens those letters I've sealed and never read since the moment I wrote them, they are going to be absolutely blown away by my commitment to someone I didn't even know their name, let alone existed. They are going to realize that they are the luckiest person in the world, to have met me and to get to have me all to themselves. The letters from years ago have actually filled a shoebox and has been sealed. I have a new one going. I think I have to cling to those moments of hope. And adopt my best friend's confidence and assurance. Ignore the thoughts that aren't truths, but speculations and fears, even if deep down I think I'm right about being alone for forever. I don't think I wouldn't done all that I have and keep on doing to try to find someone, if I really truly believed what I thought I believed deep down. Alright. That's all for now. Mollie is looking at me like, will you stop neglecting me now! Gotta give my kitty some love. Night night.