Do you ever get this feeling when you are walking, that instead of moving forward, you are moving backwards, or even not at all? If you look to the left or right you can see that the scenery is changing, proving that you are in fact moving forward, but it's the feeling that your feet aren't taking you anywhere. And no you're not on a treadmill by the way. I get that feeling a lot. It's also a metaphor for my life. My life isn't moving forward. I am not forming close relationships that move forward into serious relationships that turn into committed relationships, that produce new tiny human relationships. That is the essence of life. That is the definition of "moving forward." And maybe some single people have jobs that they can move forward within. They get huge promotions and salary increases and they become the boss and they are proud of that, and they have moved forward in their career. Yay for you. And I don't mean for that to sound sarcastic. That is truly great. Because you worked hard for that and you invested time in it and you made it happen. Hurray! That is something that is important to most single people, but I am not one of those people.
There are Hallmark cards for engagements, weddings, new babies and even new homes or job promotions. All of those things are to celebrate that person, moving forward. I'm never given a card like that. I wish there was a card that said "Hurray! You've survived 7 whole years of being single and you're still kicking! You are still alive, well looky there. You are independent and amazing and wonderful. Go you! You did it. You accomplished it." Yes that is a really long title for a card. It would not actually fit on the front of the card. I actually get the new job or new home accomplishment deserving of a card more than I do the marriage and baby. In most cases it takes hard work to be promoted or to save enough money to buy a house. But to find someone that you love and want to marry and they want that back, well that's just called being lucky. Being in the right place in the right time. The relationship takes work of course. But if you have that many problems before even getting engaged to be given a card... well then maybe you shouldn't be getting married quite yet. In most cases getting pregnant is called... having sex without a condom, whether you planned it or not. Why do you get a card for that? I would gladly write a long message on a blank card to someone who tried so many years to get pregnant and it finally happened. Good for your perseverance. Or adopting a child- you go! Thanks for loving one of the many discarded or incapable of being taken care of by the birth parents, children of this world.
I guess I could "move forward" by literally moving somewhere. But after how Colorado turned out for me, I don't think I could survive all that again. Not all alone. Losing literally every single person that I was close to, there, and pretty much at the same time, may have been a one time unlucky life experience, but I'm not really willing to play that out and test my luck. If anything I took 2 or 12 steps back, I did not move forward, after coming back home from my dream place to live. Colorado did give me a beautiful place to live and a best friend for life, so I'm not complaining. But have I "moved forward?" No. I don't think I ever will. I don't think it's possible, not without something majorly good in your life happening. Something big that pushes you forward. Moving forward is a good thing. You don't want to look back and dwell in the past. And you don't want to remain stuck in the present. Unable to move your feet like a zombie in the mud (I've been watching way too much walking dead). I don't look back anymore. I did for a really really long time. But I don't anymore. I don't want the life I've had before. I'm over my past, and my past relationships. But I am stuck in the present. The 7 year present. The alone prison... I mean present. I've tried a million and one ways to move forward, to try to get my feet unstuck, but you know what's happened? Maybe I haven't been knocked off my feet or pushed back several steps, but I've been knocked backwards. My feet might remain planted, but I've fallen down, body bent, while my feet remain flat on the ground. What do I do? Well, I stay there for a little bit. Maybe a little too long. I have to gain strength to pull myself back up. And without the use of your feet, this is all ab work, and my abs aren't so great. But I can get back up. But once I'm in standing, I don't know if I'll try to move my feet for awhile. I don't know that I can lift even one foot pulling it out of that mud. I don't know if I will try right now. I don't need a little boy throwing rocks at me while I stand there in the mud. I don't need to be taunted or teased. I don't know that I need encouragement right now. I don't need a "you can do it" you can get out of the mud, c'mon push through the pain. I need someone standing there face to face. Silently caring. A look of not pity, but understanding. Maybe a word of, man this sucks you are stuck there, I get it. I know I cannot pull you out, but I will sit right here and listen to you tell me how you are doing, what you are feeling, standing in that mud. A little empathy, a little anger for me, so I don't have to carry it all alone. A "This is crap! You should not be stuck, you should be out running around chasing butterflies! I'm angry for you, that this is life for you." And since I'm not a flesh eating zombie, then a hug would be warranted, cuz I will not bite your face off, don't you worry. As long as you don't talk too long about your perfect life. haha.
Since I am standing there and won't bite, maybe that hug lasts longer than a half a second. And maybe it's not a side hug either, but a full body hug. Just because I'm attracted to girls doesn't mean I'm attracted to any of my friends. I am not. Part of the problem is I'm attracted to the unattainable, currently all actresses I'll never meet let alone date. Maybe I won't cry on your shoulder, but maybe I will, and I'd like to think I have friends that would allow that, and openly invite it. Not all the time, but on a rare occasion. Ya gotta remember I'm not going home to be held in bed by someone like you are, or hold a sleeping baby in your arms. The best I'll get is to pick up a sleeping cat off the floor while she meows in half asleep complaint and lay her on my chest and coax her head down while she goes back to sleep, to tired to protest. That's all I got. It is better than nothing, though.
But I know we can't all get what we want. I am a true testament to that. I might sit down in the mud for a bit. Think about things. Think about what I've tried before, which feels like everything. Think about what I want to try next, even if it's not for awhile. I'm comfy here. I am a loner and I'm okay with that most or some of the time. I get to do so much more of what I want to do, when I'm alone. But at the same time there is so much I can't do because I'm alone. Or don't enjoy doing. I guess you can do almost anything alone, but kiss yourself or hold yourself. I mean you can technically, just not in the same way and it makes you very very sad. And now that I've told people... it makes me seem even sadder. haha. Oh well. I'm not afraid to speak out about how I feel. I guess the whole zombie metaphor doesn't work when I talk about sitting down and thinking things out. Zombie's wouldn't do that. They would try to get free from that mud. Well, maybe not when there's no living flesh around, but when there is you better believe they are fighting. They have one thing on their mind- eating. Sorry to paint that picture. I too have one thing on my mind- finding that one person to spend my every day to day life with and to love and to hold till death do us part. When no one's around, I probably just stand there energy draining, like the zombie, but at the first sight of an attractive, cool, funny, strong, independent human being, man you better believe I'll be fighting to get out of that mud and go grab 'em. But in a way less creepy way. Maybe a casual swag with a " how you doing? Wait that's Joey from Friends. Well, I don't know what I'll do. Talk to her normally I'm guessing. Ya know, normal as in, with a fully functioning brain. Well as functional as humanly possible for the "in your head, creative, writer-type" that I am. I have the self confidence. I just need the right girl to come along. Don't worry, I won't bite. Unless you want me to. Wink wink. Yes I took it there, deal with it.
Christie out.
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