my keyboard bottle

Some people run to the bottle, when they're upset. They drink until they can't remember why they were upset in the first place. Me, I run to the keys, to my purple keyboard attached to my tablet. I run to write. I tried my hardest to be okay as the only single girl in a group of all couples. All 8 or 9 of them. All guy girl pairings. I tried my darnedest to at least hold a conversation with at least a few of the girls. But as the night went on it became harder and harder to hold myself. To just be there. I left a little angry that I didn't get to have a real conversation with my friend with whom I was there for in the first place. I felt like she had had lengthy conversations with every girl there, except me. So there was that. There was also the kiss between a couple and the light petting of hands on arms. Well regardless, I hadn't let the fact that I was the only single girl there get to me till right up until a few minutes before I left. After at least saying bye to the 2 girls I did know there, I got into my car and sped away entirely too fast for that area. I started to scare myself a little bit and did slow it down until the highway. I felt myself boil up deep inside. I felt it coming to the surface, mostly anger. Anger that I didn't get to talk to my friend, anger that I was the only single girl there and it was making me feel incomplete, after all this time being a complete person, all on my own. But mostly anger that I don't have someone to kiss or stroke their hand, at a party. That was really the issue. I felt my anger boil over, with angry tears swelling up in my eyes but not coming out. I finally just screamed in my car as I drove 80 down the highway- WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN!!! It's one thing to hear something in your head, but to hear it out loud..it has such great power. Words said out loud have more power than written ones. I'm not saying written words don't hurt people, I'm just talking about hearing them out loud. There's a different kind of power in them, a real, tangible one.
I was almost shocked to hear myself say it, the tone, the anger behind it, the frustration. I had been doing great, just chugging along and living life. I didn't need anybody. My life is full with all the things I put into it. It's definitely full, throwing my extensive writing I've put into it of late. It held great power, saying it out loud. I don't know whether it was good or bad power, but it was powerful. I found myself yelling it once more WHY ISN'T IT MY FUCKING TURN!!! I think moments after the second one was when I burst into tears. Not the quiet tears, slowly and peaceful and quietly rolling down your face. The heavy sobs of a girl just so done. Just so over pretending that being single is just so fucking fantastic and wonderful. It's not. It never will be. I can make the best of it, I can be happy at times, I can do lots of fun things and have lots of good times. But I can't kiss myself, I can't hold myself, I can't do anything that only whoever you're dating or in love with, can do. I couldn't remember the last time I sobbed like that. The medicine I've been on and got myself taking every day instead of skipping days like I was before, evens me out a ton, and just doesn't allow for breakdowns like that. I can tear up and if something dramatic and shocking happens on a show I'm watching, I will actually cry a little, but not the desperate sobbing of a girl who has had enough. A girl who wonders, who the fuck is this God or who the fuck does the Universe think it is, to leave me alone without deep human touch and companionship and love and intimacy for 8 goddamn years? Like who does "he" think "he" is? (or "she" or "it," I don't really know or care). Or am I really just that unlucky of a person? Well whatever the case, I've had enough. And then I remembered why I don't cry like that, that hard; because I inevitably will throw up or almost throw up. It chokes me out and so it never can last very long, which is a good thing. Crying is good for you, but intense and hard for a long time, probably isn't.
There's no conclusion to this story, there's no lesson to be learned. I calmed down as soon as I held my cat and stroked her fur. At least I get to stroke something, I guess. I ran for my tablet, sat on my porch and started typing all this, while my cat is enjoying outdoor night time, which I hardly let her have, because I don't want to hunt her down in the dark. But she hangs out in the general front yard vicinity and front yard adjacent, when I'm on the porch, so that's a good thing at least.
I don't think anything is going to change. I don't think that I am going to change. This is who I am. I am someone that needs the physical touch of another human being that loves me and thinks I am the most special person they've ever met, and chooses me to spend their days with. For life. For the ups and the downs, they choose me. I'm never going to not need that. I don't understand why I still haven't found anyone. I don't know where this person is, that I'm supposed to end up with. None of it makes any sense to me, but it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm already doing or have done everything imaginable. Well, except order a mail order bride, of course. But that's ridiculous. But it is what it is. Things will go back to the way they were before. I don't' hang out in groups of couples every single night (thank God). My life will return to how it was before, filling it with things that lift me up and that I love to do and that make me happy. I probably won't be down long. Writing is already helping tremendously. Mollie helps. My medicine helps. My TV shows and movies help. And I do not use them as a distraction or escape. I thoroughly enjoy watching them and thinking about them. I do not watch reality crap. I watch well-written shows that entertain, and provoke thought and emotion. You wouldn't say listening to music or reading books is an escape or unhealthy. I think all of those things are a wonderful means to feel good, challenge you to think or feel something. They all are creative, inspiring, or just make you laugh. Music has the most impact, I think. I don't know what I would do without it.
So in the words of Ingrid Michelson- "all that I know is I'm breathing, now. All I can do is keep breathing. All we can do is keep breathing, now."