the god-honest truth.

I've been thinking about my 60+ page "story" I've been writing. Yes it's a story, and yes it's fiction, but the "problem" (if there really is one), is that I wish that it wasn't fiction. I can’t really explain it all, nor do I want to in this capacity, but it’s just something I need to do. I need this creative outlet. I need a way to express myself in a way that I can’t do physically, because I literally do not have a single person to do it with. I’m not going to apologize for it, I’m not. This is holding me together (for the most part, minus last night’s breakdown in the car, which came because of a night of all couples. see blog: “my keyboard bottle”). I literally don’t know what to do anymore, but ignore the fact that I desperately need the human physical affection and intimacy I long for, and just write about it instead. That is all I can do. No one ever said life was fair. No one ever said that everyone gets love, physical love. No one ever said that you’ll find someone that cares about you more than anyone else in the universe. I just have to continue to suck it up and continue to get used to it, and continue to accept that this is how it is for me. To be alone without any physical affection of any kind. Maybe not forever, but it is what it is for now. We are all broken people. We all have something big that we struggle with or weighs us down or eats at us or affects us tremendously. I just have to ignore it. There’s nothing else I can do about it. I can’t make anybody want to be with me in that way and I can’t make myself want to be with anyone in that way either. It has to be mutual and it has to come from a deep emotional connection first off, at least for me. I don’t and will never sleep with random strange women I meet on the internet, like some people I know. I’m not going to sleep with a bored and curious housewife or a horny slut girl who’s only message to me on okcupid is “hey babe.” I’m like who the fuck are you? That is never going to be me. Even if I have to be alone for the rest of my life, that just can never be me. I’m sad though. I am. I’m sad that this is where I still am. I mean I feel like a stronger person and I’ve come a really long way, and am really good at being alone and single, but I can still get beaten down at times. I’m still a human woman. I’m not some super powered nun or mother Teresa or someone I don’t consider “normal.” Sorry, but I don’t understand people who say they have no sexual need or longing or desire. Who doesn't want to be touched or held or physically loved? Who doesn't need intimacy and deep connection in that way? That’s not normal to me. Either they are denying what they truly feel deep down, or they are lying about it to sound “high and mighty” or they have autism or aspergers, (which is the same thing now apparently, diagnosis wise). I sometimes wish to not feel this way. I don’t want autism, it’s tough enough with everything else that goes along with it, but I definitely sometimes wish all my desires would just go away. Would just vanish. I mean, if I’m not using them, then what use do they have to me? All they do is get in the way and make me depressed…among other things. All they do is make me sad. There’s this song Sara Bareilles sings, and I don’t know exactly what she meant with the lyrics in reference to her own life, but I know what it means to me. She goes: “I just want you, to take it all away, if it isn’t’ meant for me. I don’t want the easy way, I just want you. They can give me everything, but at the end of the day the only words I’ll say is I just want you.” The first line of the song hints at God, at least that’s what I think. She asks for “…a heart to hold the godlike truth. Give me one good soul I can tell it through. Give me good reason to believe in you and give me strength if you have time. Give me two hands that will hold this up and though you give me no more than just enough, you gave a pair of brown eyes that can call a good bluff and somebody that thinks they shine.” So since I see that line as referencing God creating her and giving her these other parts of herself, I take the chorus as asking God to take it all away, “it” being the parts of her that make up the feelings, the desires, the longings for someone, “if it isn’t meant for me,” she says. Which makes sense. It holds no purpose, without someone to give it all to. *heavy sigh*  But I don’t think it’s how we were created, or at least not most of us. We crave it. Otherwise there wouldn’t be so many unwanted pregnancies out there...

Like so much of what I have to say, I end up concluding that it “is what it is.” This is life. This is it. I won’t go quoting Garden State again, since I did that in a recent post. All we can do is be open and honest with who we are, and be open to new people coming into our life, which I try my best at on that front. I guess the rest will work itself out. I guess. Either it will or it won’t. I don’t really know what to say about that. 8 years feels like a million. Maybe it’s not that long to other people I do not know and have never met, because I don’t know anyone that has gone that long without love; but it is an eternity to me. It is crazy long for being a good portion of your 20s and the beginnings of your 30s, which is when you’re supposed to have girlfriends and boyfriends. It's a really long time. These are my years. This is the time. I can’t wait to have a baby for forever. And I certainly don’t want one in our first few years together. That seems insane to me. I’ve waited too long to not get to enjoy what it’s like, just the two of us, for as long as possible. Babies change everything and are extremely difficult. I work with them every day, I know. Your life is not your own anymore. I want my girl all to myself, for as long as possible. But enough of all that. Let’s move on to bigger and better things…whatever those “things” are.