Scrapbook of life

I bumped into the shelf by my bedroom door as I came in lugging a 20 lb container of laundry detergent, causing multiple items to fall to the floor. As I cussed over it (as I do when I'm alone), I bent down to pick everything up and saw my large journal, a "scrapbook of emotions" if you will, toppled over on the shelf. I opened up the first page which read in handwritten cursive pen, "the rest is still unwritten..." The line was stolen from Natasha Bedingfield's hit song of that summer- "Unwritten," but it was written there by a person who I don't think I've ever been more intensely close to in my life. She was my best friend at the time, in Colorado. I told her things I had never told anyone else in my life. She was as goofy as me, if not more, she had a huge heart and was one of the most talented artists, I had seen. She gave the blank, bound scrapbook to me for my 25th birthday, along with a party she threw for me. There are still blue silly strings remnants, that are raised and you can feel them, on the inside of the first page, which I thought was an accident from the party, but maybe she did it to add some color to the blank white page, the artist that she is, that wouldn't surprise me. I wrote inside, along with the date (June 17, 2006) and lyrics straight out of the song; "All I know is that it (the journal) will represent my life and the things that I'm going through, and how I feel at the time. It should be interesting- a creative expression of my angst...we shall see what it will become! It shall be fun!" Why I was talking like it was the medieval times, I don't know. But it definitely has served, and is serving that very purpose, to this very day.
I've made collages on every page, with real photos, and cut out words and pictures from magazines, and things I've written in, describing what I was feeling or experiencing, mostly about a certain person, or just singleness in general. It's not all bad things, either. There are several pages of good memories with really good friends, even a boyfriend. But then there's ones post-boyfriend too. I'm glad I did a page for the best friend that gave it to me. I didn't realize till later that I had done her page upside down, accidentally. Nor did I know at the time that this would mean something. Just a couple months after my heart was broken by the guy that said he wanted to marry me and would never leave me, like my first boyfriend in college did, this girl, this best friend, broke it again, by walking away from our friendship. I remember bawling on the floor to her, I didn't understand what was happening. Any attempts to reach her were met with indifference.  My world had been turned upside down by losing the 2 people I had been closest too, within a couple months of each other. I ended up moving back to Texas at the end of that year, for many reasons. I heard from a mutual friend years later that she had been suffering from mental illness and had passed away. My heart stopped when I heard this. I couldn't fully comprehend what she was saying. I was broken for her, for all that she had been going through, for her family, her loved ones that were left behind...I think I thought that maybe one day, we'd be friends again, in some capacity. But that wasn't going to happen. I do take comfort that all of us that knew her and loved her will be with her again in heaven one day. I think at this point in my life, she would be the first person I would seek out when I got there, head straight for her and hug her and tell her that I've missed her. That I understood, and that I loved her.
"The rest is still unwritten..." That is true. Maybe God knows it all, but I don't think he's written it all, in the sense that he is directing us, we are the actors reading lines in the play he wrote. We have some control in what we write for our lives, where we go or what we do, where we live, who we decide to trust and let into our lives and who we fight for to stay there as well. But we also don't have control over a lot of things, what is placed in our bodies, in our minds, without our consent. What is forced upon us by people or the environment...stuff just happens. It's both scary and exciting that we don't know what's going to happen next. I could meet the woman of my dreams tomorrow or I could win the lottery...that is if I played. I don't need to spell out the bad things that can happen...we all know them.
I know in my heart that I'm doing the best that I can, with what's been giving to me, both internally and externally. And that's really all that you can do.
I'm so extremely grateful that she gave me this big, white, line-less, spiral bound journal scrapbook. I have used it well. I read over it, less lately than in years past, but seeing it again today and opening it and realizing the last time I filled it's pages was last summer; it just reminded me I need to do another page or 2. This book is ME. It's about people and experiences and emotions. It's how I feel about myself; it's filled with encouraging words to remind myself that I am a pretty awesome person and to keep carrying on. It needs a new page. And I'm sure I will find what I need, when the time is right...both for the pages in the book, and for my life.