Escape to your beginning.

The following contains graphic nudity. It is intended only for mature audiences

Viewer  discretion advised:

So...I went to a Nudist resort the other day...

I got the idea from the fact that I've always wanted to hike out in the woods in my birthday suit, but knew that would be not only illegal, but dangerous here in the real world. I google it thinking there would only be something like this in California. Well apparently Texas has them. 3, in fact. They are all over the country, in nearly all the states. They call them Naturist Resorts. A safe play where you can shed your outside layer that both binds you and constricts you from feeling free.

 

I fit right in right away. I have no trouble being in the buff. I'm comfortable and spend a lot of time this way, on my own alone in my house. When you live alone, it doesn't take you long to realize that you don't have to wear clothes if you have no roommates. Nothing's stopping you. After being buzzed in through the front gate off a private country road in the middle of nowhere and checking in to my little tiny one room cabin, I immediately with ease shed my clothes, grabbed a towel and sunscreen and headed for the pool. I picked a weekend where there weren't any events going on, nor was it a major holiday. At one end there was a pool full of people playing water volleyball. On the other end was a much quieter pool with just a couple people sunbathing around it. I would say 90% of the people are husband and wife couples in their late 50s-60s. So basically it was like hanging out with my parents. I'm kidding. I wasn't raised in a nudist home and I'm glad for that. I feel comfortable in my own body so it wasn't weird for me, but it was definitely jarring... ok one male in particular was jarring. I swear I panicked for a second because his monster snake scared me to death and he chose to stand there proudly by the pool, next to his sunbathing wife, for most of the day. Why? I have no idea. My guess is to show it off. I was not impressed. Terrified is more like it. I covered my face with my hat and floated into oblivion. So other than that, it was a very pleasant and comfortable experience. I would say everybody there knew each other, and many couples lived on the land, retired. They let me be but they also gradually introduced themselves here and there later on in the day. I was grateful to be left alone. I just wanted to relax, but they weren't overbearing when they did talk to me. They talked about how safe the place was, and I believed them. It felt very safe. There was a lot of land but it was closed off by a fence and no one can come through the gate without letting them know ahead of time you were coming, with a reservation. There are rules to sign and no flirtation is permitted. They will kick you out and the old grandmas that run the place won't put up with any shenanigans. I felt completely safe. I had no qualms about wandering in the woods all alone  It was the perfect weather day- 79 and cloudy and after my first stop, the pool, I put on tall socks and tennis shoes and sprayed myself down with bug spray and began walking the trails. There were gorgeous wildflowers everywhere and cacti with flowers on them. Pictures are not permitted for obvious reasons, but it didn't stop me from taking pictures out in the woods of  the beautiful nature all around me. Between repeat trips to the pool and the woods, my day was full. One of the things I noticed was that time moves slower out there. Usually a Saturday back at home goes by in a flash. I blink and it's over. But out in the country, out in freedom, I would check the time and see that no time at all had passed, in a good way of course. I had the most relaxing day ever. I even saw an owl fly by.

I went back to my room to rest and actually put on my pajama bottoms. Maybe I was a little chilly from the pool and the fact that it barely broke 80 that day and the sun wasn't really out much. Or maybe it was like overexposure. When you do something too much, you kind of need a break from it, even it's a good thing that you like. When 6:30 rolled around and I was invited to the pot luck dinner the people that live there were having, I wasn't sure I wanted to go... but the mac and cheese I had made in my room's microwave wasn't going to cut it for dinner, and my hunger won out. That was the first time it felt weird to take OFF my clothes that day. I had been wearing pajama bottoms in my room and felt like I "had" to take them off when I went to dinner, because it's not "clothing optional" here, it's truly a nudist resort and required, well except in the case of the weather. I carried my pants with me to the meeting room up where the office and pools are. I immediately saw some women in long shirts and promptly put my pants back on, saying I was "cold" but in my defense it was chilly in there. Standing in line for food behind naked butts, is not as fun as it sounds. I hadn't been this close to people all day and I was pretty uncomfortable, but again I was starving and the food was delicious. One of the ladies took my bag and forced me to sit with them at their table. All couples, all born in the 50s, one of them told me. "Great," I thought, "I'm sitting at a table with nude people my parents age." But like anything in my life, I quickly adapt and adjust. I've had to work with so many different types of people and all kinds of challenging personalities, that a few nice naked older people isn't going to scare me away. I felt good in my pajama bottoms and was glad I made that choice to wear them. Like I said everyone is very easy going and comfortable. This is their lifestyle, for the majority of the people there, and I was just in their world. So they never looked at me weird or even looked at me other than at my face if they were talking to me. I was really lucky to have been with the kind of people that were there. It's different depending on the place... from what I hear. (Oh and people are required to sit on towels everywhere, just in case you were wondering). I made it through dinner and after a little more hiking and pool time, oh and hot tub time, I retired to my room. Despite the fact that I was invited to sit on the porch of some of the people that live there. Like I said, super friendly, but I was exhausted... in a good way. Damn it I forgot to look at the stars. I had the chance. I was in the country with no lights, but The Big Bang Theory was on TV and I let myself be lulled into a trance of which I couldn't break out of. And after the ghost in the room stopped controlling my electric toothbrush, making it go off and on randomly (true story, I have NO idea why it was doing that. It had never done it before and it didn't when I got back home, but whatever), I fell asleep... hoping I wouldn't be haunted in my dreams by that guy's monster snake. Thankfully I was not. (Hey I did warn you this post had graphic nudity).

The next morning, comfortable once again, I take a hike in the woods, ditching my pants along the trail. It was only 69 (haha 69) but hiking and the imbedding humidity was making me warm up fast. I thought to myself- "this is what hiking was missing all along...nudity. Just don't forget the bug spray and apply it liberally." I cooled off in pool, reaching maximum relaxation. I'm talking 2 massages in a row, relaxation. And then your mom texts you: "What are you doing today haven't heard from you."
Sounds like a normal enough text right? Well not if your mom literally has never texted you that before in your life, and now it feels like she knows... and I didn't tell her where I was going because I knew she wouldn't understand. And because even at almost 35, a child never stops wanting their parents approval. And they never want to disappoint then. Granted, I had voluntarily put myself on her "Find Friends" APP, so technically she could know where I am all on her own. (I did it in the extremely rare case I was ever kidnapped, or lying in a ditch with my phone in working condition). But she might not know what "Naturist Resort" means. I text her that I was out in the country in a cabin and that I'd see her next weekend. She seems satisfied with this response. Whether I tell her all about it, or leave out one very important detail... well, that's still to be decided. Between that text and one from a highly educated, higher socioeconomic status, Mother of a baby that moved out of my area and was texting me about why she hadn't heard from the other program...ON A FREAKING SUNDAY MORNING!!! I took a deep breath, swam under the water froggy style, enjoying the pool all to myself and letting everything go, for good, before I had to leave this wonderful, magical place.
I left feeling refreshed and renewed. I left feeling a little sad that I didn't meet anyone special... or anyone near my own age...despite not going in expecting that and fully expecting everyone to be a lot older, and married (I was exactly correct in that thinking). But I left feeling good nonetheless. I will definitely be returning to this bubble out in the country, where you can return to the state you entered the world in... and I don't just mean in physical form. I also mean in a state where the troubles of the world are not yours... not yet... not at this moment. You are just you. You are just nature. You are just the earth, the water, the land, the trees, the flowers and the stars. Nothing defines you out there. I love that place. I couldn't live there like those people do, but it's a fantastic place to visit. It's an amazing place to get away from it all and strip down to the very basics. To remember who you are and why you are and how incredibly amazing you are. Because not only were you brave enough to go be in this place where you return to the beginning... but you also had the intuition to know that you needed to be here in the first place.  

Punky Brewster theme song

I turn 35 one month from today. And it feels like I'm walking down that long hallway to the electrocution chair... or something less over-dramatic than that. I swear, if I didn't have celebrities I admired that were my age or older and still single and still childless, I wouldn't be able to take it. Because in MY world, you are married with kids by now. Practically every single friend I made in my entire lifetime already has both of those things, and it's not fair, I'm not gonna lie. What is it about them that they get to have their dreams come true and not me? I already know that I'm awesome and a decent human being who helps babies and who pays her taxes and follows the law and is kind to others and all that bullshit. So what is it exactly? There's not a reason, that's the point. Granted 40 will be worse than 35, but 35 means I have to check a new box on all the forms in the world.. It's been "29- 34" before now. That's not a big deal, though. If I was married with a kid I wouldn't care what age I was. Age wouldn't matter. But age does matter if you want to have a baby yourself. Starting now it will be a "geriatric pregnancy." That's a real term. 35 and up is a very risky pregnancy. Not to mention it may be too expensive and too impossible to even get pregnant in the first place. Not that I want all that, without a partner. It'll be just Mollie and me, if I never get married. I don't have the funds or time or energy or help, to raise a kid on my own. At least not voluntarily. You can't help what happens after you already have one. So thus, turning 35 sucks. I don't even have friends to celebrate it with, so what does it matter anyway, really? Maybe I'll get lucky and get to go to lunch with a friend, but lunch with a friend is what you do on any 'ol day. I don't see what's really special about that. I'm taking my Mom to a musical the night of my birthday (our birthday). It's her birthday too, so I bought both of the tickets. I really want to see it, and I don't want to go alone. But my Mom is the one who first introduced Carole King's music to me, so it makes sense that we go see the musical based on her life, together. It will be fantastic music I'm sure. And then there's the new season on Orange is the New black. It comes out on Netflix, on my actual birthday, so that will be fun to binge and just forget it's my birthday all together. Other than that, it will be just like any other birthday for the past several years. Boring and lonely. I'll buy myself flowers, I'll treat myself to a massage or a float. But I actually get a massage every month and have been to the float spa many times, so it's not really that special. And treating yourself and buying yourself things for your own birthday, isn't that fun to do anyway. I would say "maybe this will be the start of the best year of my life." Or "the year I will finally meet someone." But history shows that that's not true. And that it only brings disappointment and sadness. Because it never happens. I've thought that way and wished on too many candles to count over the years that I would meet the love of my life, but it hasn't happened. And it's hard to have faith that it ever will.
I just signed my lease again. I've been at this house for 5 years now. It's the longest I've ever stayed anywhere, besides the home I grew up in of course. I signed it a few months early. I know I'm not going anywhere. I love my house, but clearly I'm not going to meet anybody in Dallas. But I can't leave just yet. I don't know where I'd go anyway. I have some ideas, but the cost of living is so high there, I don't know that I could do it. And I don't see how the move WOULDN'T kill Mollie, so I'm not ready for that to be a factor either. I'll have to read up on giving cats sleeping pills and if that can be combined with a flight, and if she can stay in a carrier in my lap...and many other questions. This is the only home she knows. Dogs are much easier to move. They love the car. Mollie acts like she's going to die when she's in a car... even for a 5 minute ride. But anyway, that's neither here nor there, at this time. What's important is that there's no stopping time. You keep going and you keep aging and the only alternative is not being here, and I don't want that either.
I'll either get married or I won't. I'll either have a child of my own or adopt, or I won't. There's nothing you can do about it. It either happens or it doesn't. I'll just keep doing my best and just keep living and maybe one day something will change. Maybe one day someone will come into my life and change it. Maybe one day I can give all those letters I started writing when I was 16 to "whoever I marry," to an actual real person. Wouldn't that be nice?? I can't even remember what I wrote in them. I sealed them up and taped up the shoe box when it was full. And I have a new 2nd box that's not full yet. But I always seal up each letter in an envelope because I don't want to be tempted to re-read them. I want to be just as surprised as she is, when I read them with the love of my life one day. Together we'll laugh and laugh, I'm sure. I know the first letter and the only one I wrote in high school, was inspired by the movie Dirty Dancing. It went something like "I want to dance with you like Baby danced with whatever his name is." To be honest I was more taken with Baby and her curly hair and innocent nature and extremely caring personality, than Patrick Swayze. Not that I realized it at the time... clue #1. haha. It would be nice if all those letters didn't go to waste. I hope not. I am dying to read them and laugh and cry over them, with the girl that decided she WANTS to spend the rest of her life with me. That would be beyond awesome. And what would be even more awesome than that, is if that happens this birthday year. So hurry up out there. Get on the move to me. Or draw me to you, either way I'm good. I don't want to have to write any more letters... well, not any more without being able to put a real person's name on them. I will never stop writing letters. Writing is everything. It's how I explain myself and my thoughts and feelings. So, see you before my next birthday. Ok?


*oh and if you were waiting for the theme song to Punky Brewster and didn't know why you hadn't seen it yet... well I just thought of it at the very end. The lyrics popped into my head and made me think about the girl I'm going to marry. (not Punky Brewster, of course)

"Maybe the world is blind, or just a little unkind, don't know. Seems you can't be sure, of anything anymore. Although you maybe lonely and then One day you're smilin' again. Every time I turn around I see the girl that turns my world around Standing there. Everytime I turn around, Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground What's gonna be? Guess we'll just wait and see."

quote unquote normal life

I think what I struggle most with, is this idea of a "normal life." I feel like a normal life is having the American dream. It's what's portrayed in almost every single commercial on TV. It's all over Facebook from every single friend I've made in the past 34 and 3/4 years. It's in every church I've been to. It's the (not idea) but actual reality of a guy and a girl getting married, buying a house, and having 2.5 children (at least) and the .5 being a dog or maybe cat, but more likely a dog. And I have absolutely none of that and probably never will. If I'm being honest, I don't want the guy. I kinda want a dog but because I have Mollie, I don't see that happening, because she would not have it and dogs are far more work than cats, and my day job is exhausting enough as it is. And I don't even want the house, not the house you pay a 30 year mortgage on, at least.. I have a house. It's a duplex. I rent it and it's perfect for me. I don't have to fix a damn thing, and I love that. And I don't want a kid by myself, so what am I really complaining about? I just debunked all the things on the list of a "normal life."  It's almost like I want to BE the person that has all those things, that could have those things, instead of the real me. That's so messed up. I can't be anybody but me. I don't want to change who I am, but yet I guess I do, in a way. It's very confusing. I would give anything to be in love and to be loved in return and from that love together we make this baby that is half me and half who I am sharing that life with. But none of this seems possible anymore and thanks to a recent episode of The Mindy Project, I realize now that I should've frozen my eggs in my 20s. But A) who has the money for that? And B) It didn't occur to me that I wouldn't meet a guy in my 20s until I was out of my 20s. And then I realized I only wanted what all my girlfriends had, but what I really wanted, who I was really attracted to and desired and felt whole with, was the opposite of a guy. And now I'm about to turn 35 and after 35 apparently any pregnancy is considered "geriatric" and I'm basically carrying around hollowed out, wispy ghost eggs. It sucks. It really does. I do enjoy my quiet life of no screaming, no tantrums, no poopy diapers, no vomit to clean up. I enjoy that IMMENSELY. But when I grow old, who will visit me? No one. I mean I hope my best friends kids will, but this will only happen if my bestie lets me live in a room in her house, which I really hope she does, not just because I don't want to be alone, but also I'm not too sure how much money I'll have by then. I mean social security might be 12 bucks a month at the rate it's going. I have SO much money taken out for taxes and social security every single paycheck. I literally don't reap any of the benefits from it. I mean I drive on pot hole roads every single day, wrecking my sad excuse for a car, so I don't even get my money used for that. And every thing else goes to kids (schools), or services for the low income families. Don't even get me started on all that. But that's not the point anyway. Sometimes I kind of hope I don't live to that old age. That after retirement age. I mean it's one thing if I have the money to enjoy it, but I don't really see that happening. But to combine having nothing, no job anymore, with being all alone with no one to share my life with! Geez. It can't get any more depressing than that.
I think I desperately watch shows with strong single female characters, to catch a glimpse of someone who isn't married, who doesn't have children. To say, look how awesome she is! I'm her! But of course if the show makes it 6 seasons or more, they can't keep that girl single forever. She'll marry off. She'll have kids. Unless you're Robin from How I met your mother.  She never had kids and she didn't get with Ted until they were old and his wife had already died. God. I don't want to wait that long. That's ridiculous. But that's just a show. But in the real world it still seems like everyone gets married and has kids. I'm not making it up. Of course it's not literally every single person on the planet, but it's enough for it to be the majority. At least the majority in my world and in the world that I see; in my view.
What's so great about being 'normal' anyway, right? Normal's boring. Normal's everyday. Normal is like people marching in line wearing gray linen clothing and I'm wearing bright orange pleather, and I'm wearing a sheep's mask on my face and skipping the opposite direction as them. I'm literally skipping through them. Why a sheep's mask? I don't know. Cuz sheep are followers and I'm making fun of them... or maybe I got the idea from a character on Orphan Black. Whatever the case, I'm having more fun than them, right? Fun is subjective. "Easier" is also subjective. I guess there's good and bad to every side. I try to always portray both sides in my writings. I play devil's advocate. I don't want to just be negative, even if I feel like it. All 2 of my readers would stop reading, if I was only negative. So I always try to offer hope. But I'm not going to lie that it isn't difficult to see the bright side. I'm still convinced that normal=good and normal=family. I still have no clue how to even begin to live on that side of the tracks. I will always be different. I will always be unique. I don't need to be exactly like everyone else, but that doesn't mean I don't want what everyone else has. I don't want it because they have it. I want it because it is who I am. I wouldn't be writing an epic love story of over 140 pages and counting, if all I really wanted was to be single and childless forever. I have no idea how to attain something like that, but at least I know what I want. I want a wife, I want a child. How that child gets here is unclear. How I will ever find a woman that loves me for me, and stays, I have no idea. But I know it's what I want. I know it's who I was meant to be. I'm not here just to help other people's babies. I'm not here just to go through life barely connecting with anyone and acting like that's ok. Like that's not a big deal, to barely know people. It's not what I want. But I also can't make another person care about me. I can't make them hang out with me, or return my texts, or look for me at all out in the world. I guess I am normal. I'm too normal. I don't stand out I guess. I think I'm a fun person, though. I make a difference in the lives of others, I know I do. I think I'm funny. I'm a good writer. I know how to make people feel trusted and cared about and comfortable with. Maybe that's not enough. Or maybe everyone is too scared, like me, to even look to see if a person like that exists...at least as of late.       

Try and then try again and then repeat...

"You can't let the fear of failing stop you from trying."
Hercules said this to Snow White on the TV show, Once Upon a Time

As children you're told "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Adults need to tell kids this because otherwise they'd give up after the first failure, or at least a lot of us would. I see it everyday. The 2 year olds I work with: half of them will try and put that square shape in the circle hole till the cows come home, but the others will just give up and throw the damn thing. I always tell them, "keep trying," "try another one." Half listen to me and half don't, but if they do try another hole, some of them actually get it in. But what about those that never find that square hole? What if they try the triangle and the star, every single dang one but the correct one? They don't see what's staring them in the face. Sometimes that's life. Sometimes you try everything and get no results, no resolution, no reward. You're the square piece and every person you meet is a circle or a star or a triangle and you never find your square. It sucks, but it's the way it goes sometimes. But the only other option is not trying at all and you definitely can't find your matching shape if you don't even TRY and see what's out there. It's impossible to look everywhere, so you can never really say "I've tried everything." I've definitely been in the "not trying" phase for quite a long while now. I'm beginning small steps to maybe even just meet some people that could be possible friends, but it's coming with a lot of baggage that I'm not really ready to deal with yet, not sure if I'll ever be ready to open THAT door again, but that discussion is for another time and not in this format.

What if a child knew they couldn't do the shape sorter and stopped trying all-together? For every toy? The fear of failing is a strong one, but hopefully most kids have loving parents cheering them on, clapping for the tiniest things, or at least an Early Intervention Specialist like me, who does the cheering and clapping and encouraging. It's probably why most of my kids run to me with a smile on their face when I get there, because they know I'm not only going to engage in play with them, but tell them things other than "stop that" or "no." But that's a whole other story entirely, as well.

I have another quote to share that spoils a recent scene from The Walking Dead. So stop now if you haven't watched last weeks episode, but do come back, because it's a fantastic quote.

Denise says: "I could've gone with Tara, I could've told her I loved her but I didn't, because I was afraid. That's what's stupid. Not coming out here, not facing my shit. And it makes me sick that you guys aren't even trying. Because you're strong and you're smart. And you're both really good people and if you don't wake up, and face your..." and then she died. But I'm guessing that she was going to say "...face your fears. You are going to die alone." Or "you are going to miss out on something great," or something along those lines. Because she's right... existing isn't enough. Breathing and eating and sleeping isn't enough.

I like that she said that: "it makes me sick that you guys aren't even trying." Even though in this apocalyptic world of the undead coming to eat you, I would find "trying" extremely difficult; I do see her point and I take it to heart. I AM strong and I AM smart. Just because I haven't figured it out yet, haven't figured out where to meet someone, doesn't mean I can't figure it out. I am a smart capable woman. That's not to say people who aren't, shouldn't have love, I wish everyone would find someone, but I need to be the strong person I already know I am and have proven to be, and get the fuck outta here and at least try! All you can do is you. I can't make anyone like me or fall for me or find me attractive or want to hang out with me again; but I can be me. I can be in environments where people tend to gather. I feel closer to the characters in my TV shows than I do actual people. They get me. I don't have anybody that truly gets me, in my life right now. I realized this today. I do have my best friend who loves me and who will always be there for me and is single handedly the only person in my life that TRULY BELIEVES that I will meet the love of my life. She KNOWS it. She told me on the phone the other day how she hears people talk about how they are unhappy in their marriages and maybe that's due to getting married young and just changing over the years into completely different people and how that can cause friction and differences they didn't know they had before. But for me, since I'm older, she said that when I find that woman, she will be perfect for me and I will be happy, forever. Period. The end. Now I know its unrealistic to be happy every day, but I get what she meant. I know what I want, I know what I need and if this woman exists (which she believes she does), we will ride off into the proverbial sunset together. That's the dream. I mean come on, what else is there in life but love? Physical, emotional love. Like love. Meaning I like you and I love you. I've never going to leave you love. (Well on my own account, at least). I probably had a point here, but have drifted off into this magical world where I have this person my bestie is talking about. Oh yeah, I was talking about how I don't have anyone that gets me. This is true. I don't even have a friend who is like me, who likes who I like. Who understands what I am going through because she's been there and is currently there (I don't have to spell it out for you). Going out and making friends (especially to what I was referencing to earlier) would mean going back into the closet. I couldn't be my true self with this particular group. Why bother you ask? Well, I never get invited anywhere to anything, so the least I can do is give them a chance. I was thinking it's possible to maybe make a friend outta the whole thing. Ya never know... And I am in desperate need of a face-to-face friend.

But trying over and over again and in various situations and with people and places and things and worlds... (ok maybe not that last part), is tres difficile! (that means very difficult, in French). Sometimes I feel like one of those tone-deaf kids in American Idol who think they can actually sing. When I go out and try to meet people and connect, it's like someone should be telling me, "look Christie. You suck at this. Please stop. You aren't going to get anywhere with this. You think the end game is marriage, but the end game is really you alone on your couch till you're 70." Ok maybe that "someone" is me. I probably tell myself that, even if it is just subconsciously...or typing it out in a blog. I've gotta be more like my bestie. Have her in my head. She would say (and has said before) "I don't know why you're still alone. It makes no sense, but I KNOW that there is the right woman out there for you. You just haven't met her yet. But when you do, it'll be easy because it'll be right and she'll be right for you and you for her. And you'll be happy forever and ever amen." Amen indeed.

Connection...like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow

I feel stuck. I feel a little bit lost. I see myself as this woman in this place of mud, in the middle of the dark woods. I'm all alone and it's dark, but I'm managing. I can't move too well, but at the same time the mud is all over my naked body like one of those mud baths you could take, like I was in some fancy damn spa, so it feels kind of nice and soothing. The hole is small, I fit with a little bit of room around me. My head is out. I can stand in it comfortably. I'm not necessarily sad about being in this mud pit. It is a little lonely and dark and I wish that someone would join me. That'd be kind of sexy actually... but mainly I would like someone to turn on the light. I'd like the sun to come out. But if it came out and I remained in the mud pit then it would harden and I'd be really stuck for good. It would take sledge hammers and shit to get me outta that. I'd just like someone to come by, put her arm out and say take my hand and she wouldn't even have to pull that hard and I'd just spring right out. It would be easy as pie... as mud pie.

I feel like this world of isolation I live in can be comforting but at times extremely lonely. I usually distract myself well. I don't feel depressed over it, just disappointed. I'm disappointed that I've tried so many avenues in the almost 4 years I've been out, and yet, still nothing...no one. I've gone on what might be considered dates, but we didn't connect and all but one ended after that first "date." I can't believe it's been a year since that last so called date. More than a year actually. Is that right? Yeah I believe so. I feel like I've exhausted every possible resource at my disposal. I've gone to all the places where it's just a lot of women drinking somewhere. I hate it. I don't drink, so it's not fun for me. I literally have tried everything, even church. Church isn't for me anymore. I just can't get behind it anymore. I don't understand why God wouldn't have stepped in by now. Why he can't just nudge someone in my direction and I'll do the rest. I've been places. I've been out. I've done it all. I don't know why I haven't connected with anyone. I know I'm capable. I connect with the moms that I work with every single day. I have this ability to make them not only trust me, but more importantly, be empowered through me, just by the words I say to them as they navigate this new terrain with a baby that maybe just needs a little extra help, or one that will need a bit more than that...
If I can connect with them and if I've connected with some people at work and I've made friends in the past.... they may all be too busy to see me now, what with them having real families now; but I've been able to connect before and I can do it now... just if there was someone to do it with. Someone that wanted to try past the first face to face meeting after online messages. Or someone that wanted to give me a chance beyond a first impression. Maybe I'm shy, but I'm certainly not shy when I'm one on one with someone, especially if I don't feel threatened by them at all.
The complexities of the Universe, of God, of whoever, baffle me endlessly. I feel like I'm asking for so little. In comparison. I feel like everyone I know has someone in their life, so it's really not that big of a deal. I'm not asking to become a famous writer or to somehow become the owner of a million dollars and attend a dinner party with Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon, plus a few more SNL alum women. I'm only asking just for this ONE person. It seems most of the population seems to have found that person. Or maybe not "most" but more than just a few people. It definitely feels like the majority. Especially at my age. People always say don't compare yourself to otherwise, but I'm not! Because seriously I don't know anyone who has what I have. They all have husbands and kids. I want something slightly different. I'm not wishing that I was them or had what they had. I do however wish that I got to spend time with them still, but that's pointless to wish. I don't want what they have, I want what I want. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but I know what I mean by it.
So you can see why I feel a little bit at a loss of what to do? I could move to a new city... but who's to say I wouldn't be the exact same predicament there as I am now? I love my house and I love my job. And I love this city, despite it's issues. I like it here. I have everything I need... except one thing. I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I have lots going for me and I'm totally grateful. It's not a matter of being not happy or depressed. I may have called it a mud hole, but I didn't say it was a pit. My head is out. I probably could hoist myself out of there with my arms on the side of the ground, if I knew how. Maybe if I had a reason to. Maybe if there was a girl walking by who didn't see me and I needed to get out quick and chase her down to talk to her. It's not about being strong or weak. It's not about having the ability to do anything that I need to do. I know I have the ability, I just need to be given a chance. I need to at least make a friend who gets me, in all this. A girl like me. Not a girl who is already married to a guy and has kids. I need someone that understands me and could at least bring me along on a group thing. I just need a little help. Then one day I'll return the favor to another lost and lonely girl. One who just needed someone that cared. Someone that noticed they existed and that they were alone in all this. It's one thing to feel a connection to a character on a TV show, that is playing someone "like you." It does feel nice to be represented and to feel that connection and understanding, but it's a totally different thing to have someone in real life. Someone you can talk to and they'll talk back to you. They hear your story and "get" it. And they totally get where you're coming from when you talk about some character on a TV show that you wish was real, so you could date her. They get that and they have been there too. But they know the value and importance of real live connection, and they want to help you find that too. Or at the very least, they want a friend to talk it all out with. Connection. It's all I'm asking for. It shouldn't be that hard to find. But apparently it is. Apparently it's like finding that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Or something less imaginary than that... ;o)

Tomorrow's Sunday everyone! Get excited!! It only comes around once a year...oh wait...

It's the Eve of St. Valentine. And it's the first time in the 15 years that I haven't had a quote unquote valentine, that I really could care less. And I mean that in the most honest and real way, not in a sarcastic way. I've sarcastically not cared for years. But this year I really have no emotion about it at all. I think it's a non-holiday. Or it holds about as much importance as Arbor Day. Does it really matter if you plant a tree on whatever day Arbor day is on? Shouldn't you plant one on whatever day you want to? The point is, that the tree gets planted. I've come to the conclusion that if having no one in particular to "love" on April 9th, has no affect on me whatsoever, then why should it on February 14th? It's just a day on the calendar and there are literally 365 of them. You should love your loved ones everyday, but Anniversaries and Birthdays are really there for you to celebrate with that little something extra. At least more than the rest of the 363 days, or 364 if you got married on your birthday, which is a dumb thing to do, in my opinion. You gotta spread it out! That's why I'm grateful my Birthday is exactly half-way from Christmas Day. Being born on Christmas Day is a huge bummer, not that it is your fault, but in that case your celebrations and gifts and hooray for you, are going to be merged into one coagulation of love and attention... but also shared with whoever else is celebrating Christmas with you at that particular place and time. Tomorrow's just another day. Don't let it affect you. Now Christmas and your birthday... you can let that affect you if you are spending it alone. That should hurt, because that sucks. But Valentine's Day? Pffttt....don't even give it the satisfaction. Without doing the proper research and getting all my information from an episode of Happy Endings, that I just re-watched yesterday; I believe the real St. Valentine was pulled apart and tortured and full out murdered... all for love or something like that, I really don't remember the full story. His heart was all that was left, which is why it is the symbol for Valentine's Day. Of course we all know that the shape of the human heart looks nothing like the symbol I would practice drawing to perfection, when I was a little girl. I used to do special things for myself on this day set aside for "love," but I'm not even going to do that this year. I'll reserve that for my Birthday... or a Saturday after a long week of work, ya know, the real "special days." I'll probably just get my oil changed in my car and head over to my parents so that I can watch The Walking Dead, which is back for its mid-season première tomorrow night. Talk about a bloody Valentine's... sounds like it will be a heck of a lot closer to the original Valentine's Day, am I right?
Have a wonderful Sunday everyone!

Writing to me, by me, about me, for me...

"I don’t think you know how beautiful you are,” she stated simply as if stating the basic truths about life, things that everyone knew to be true. I felt a smile creep up the side of my lips and just shrugged my shoulders. “See? You don’t.” Then she started doing something no one else had ever done before. Sure I’ve gotten the beautiful eyes line or smile like maybe once or twice in my life. But right then, Carrie took her finger, much like I had done to her, and traced each part of my face, circling it as if she was a plastic surgeon, about to tell you what you needed to fix, but instead of that, she was doing the opposite. Telling me my best physical qualities. “Your eyes are as blue as the sea. They are shockingly blue. The prettiest blue I’ve ever seen,” she said tracing around them with her finger. She moved her finger down to my cheek. “You have these dimples that form at the corner of your cheek when you smile really big.” I demonstrated it for her to which she said, “there it is.” “Your lips are perfect opposites. The top is thin and perfect and your bottom is voluptuous and juicy.” She ran her finger over both of them and then held my chin so she could come in for the perfect kiss, not too firm not too soft; and for the perfect length of time, as well.

That was an entry from one of my latest stories. It made me think about how my writing isn't for escapism or for hiding and ignoring the real world. It's my way of expressing myself, loving myself, and working things out through conversations with myself and another person who in real life would have no idea who I was. But that's not the point. Deep down I don't want to "be" with whoever I'm with in my stories. I only know them as a character or how they are in interviews or how they seem in pictures on Instagram. I know nothing about who they truly are when no one is looking, behind closed doors. They are just a conduit. They may represent my deepest longing, but they also speak the truth I know to be true deep down, that I never tell myself. My writing is my therapy. And when I write something like that paragraph up top, I just remind myself that I am enough. I think those things I had someone else say to me in my story, about myself; I wrote them not because I "wish" I had those qualities. I write my true self ALL the time. I may change the situations, the locations, but I never change who I am in my stories. I am always the lead character, and I am always Christie. Me. Maybe I've become a famous writer or have a movie being made based off my book or the screenplay I've worked on and put aside for years. And I always have love, in the form of a woman who loves me for me. But I myself never change my character, my morals, my personality, the core of who I am. And I like that. I never did it on purpose. I guess it was subconscious. I would change the circumstances of my life in my stories, but I would never change who I am deep down and what makes me, me. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I'm glad I can recognize that what I write how other people see me, is how I see myself and how I feel about myself, it just would be nice if someone else recognized it and acknowledged it, in the real world. But I'm happy that I can at least write about it and have the creative capacity to make up such deep and personal stories of how I see myself and what I wish for myself, no matter how impossible it may sound, or the ability to make it truly happen.
This may be the shortest thing I've ever written... I'm a lengthy writer, whether it be in a friend's card, a text, a Facebook status, or a blog. But it's all I need to say right now. And plus I want to get back to my story. I have more things to say to me, from me, the writer... to the character of me...aaah, you get what I mean...