Creeping

I hate that feeling when you feel that feeling creeping up on you again. If that made no sense to you, and you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you probably shouldn't continue reading, because the rest of this blog might as well be written in Mandarin or Chinese, to you...unless you speak that language. I'm unclear if there's a difference in those, or if they are the same thing. But that's beside the point.
I'm very much aware when I'm having a feeling, that it's happening, but I can't always give it a name...or at least an interesting one. I can sometimes describe it. This isn't feelings of hunger, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, the feelings that Dexter has and has named his "dark passenger," which almost always ends badly. Nothing like that. It's more like the bummness starts to creep in. It's usually build up to that point, though. By tiny things or not so tiny things. Today I felt like it was creeping in because my attempts over the last few weeks to hang out with the few friends I have has reached a great total of 0 accomplished...out of 10 attempts. I know everyone has lives and is really busy and it's not personal, but it's a real bummer not feeling special enough to someone. And my friends think I put too much pressure on myself to get married and think that I want it way too much. Well...would I have 0 out of 10 hang-out times if I was married right now, over the past few weeks?? I think not! We wouldn't be married in the first place, if he never hung out with me. It's hard not to take it personal. It's hard when you know your friends are spending the majority of their free time with their significant other, and you're just left behind like...I can't even think of an analogy, I'm so bummed.
It's hard when you can't see your best friend as much as you want, because she lives 5 hours away and in a few weeks, 8 hours away. But she has a newborn and an almost 2 year old, and yet she talks to you more than the people that live in the same city as you. (well, texts, but that's "talking" these days. And if text didn't exist, we would hardly ever get to talk at all because of the little ones). I'm grateful to have friends at all, but I sure do feel left behind. I'm standing in a room full of clothes laid out perfectly, like the person wearing them vanished. Bam. There's the analogy!
I feel like my friends have reached this huge goal in their lives and I'm like miles behind them on the track, and nowhere near the finish line. Meanwhile they've gone out for ice cream and taken a shower, and are about to get into bed. All literal, by the way, and all WITH someone. Ice cream used to be a code word a boyfriend and I had, meaning "let's go make out." Ahhh the good old days.
I can be distracted from the bummness turning into anything serious, most of the time. But the bummness still stays there, stagnantly waiting. Sometimes blogging helps, like I am trying now, and sometimes I just need to go to sleep and see what awaits in my dreams. I love my dreams, for the most part. I have a lot of dreams that I'm kissing someone or holding their hand, and a lot of times they are a celebrity, but not to me. They are just mine! And it's funny...my camera never works in my dreams. I always say, I want to prove that this really happened; that I have someone, but the camera doesn't work...and it never dawns on me that it's a dream. That's what's so great about them. Real life is real and you know it's real. But dreams; anything could happen. And your mind doesn't know this. It thinks it's real. My dreams don't have to come true in the literal sense. I don't want to be with a real celebrity, because obviously they are not their characters on my favorite TV shows, but it would be nice for the idea of my dreams to come true. Someone to hold my hand. Someone not afraid to kiss me in public. Someone with eyes only on me and not on the other people in the room. That would be nice. And then the feeling of bummness won't be creeping in so much anymore.