Blogging is my form of therapy. Outside real therapy, that is. It really helps me to get my thoughts out and into the oblivion. Yeah I've journaled all my life in paper form, it actually started when I broke my leg the day before my 13th birthday and my summer was of course ruined and I couldn't go to church camp with my best friends thus changing our relationships forever, having missed out on that bonding experience. So, journaling was my escape and my venting vehicle. Plus I've always loved to write. I wish I had become a real writer, gone to school for it and everything, but I didn't, so, I'm not. I'm writing 2 screenplays, though, that I will be forever writing, I fear, but it's cool, it's a process. But back to journaling. There's something about it. It may help for a second, but it's still there. The actual journal is in your house, so unless you burn it or destroy it physically some way, it's still there lingering and continuing to infect me with it's presence. I love Internet blogging because it's going out into the Universe. Anyone can read it, which I don't really mind because it's not like people are commenting how dumb this is or anything. It's for me, but if someone likes it, well, I'll never know, but that would be great too. I love sending my words out into the void and letting them go. Letting them disappear. They are not saved on my computer. They are out in the nebulous void or wherever the Internet goes when I'm asleep...
So tonight I got me a little church and I feel a bit uplifted. It's more the presence of the people and hearing the songs I used to sing in youth group at church way back in the day. This church also does communion where they look at you directly in the eye, and say a blessing and dip the wafer in the fake wine and place it on your tongue for you. I love that experience. I think I go mostly for that one-on-one communion time. Nobody ever looks me in the eye like that and says something lovingly and feeds me. It's kinda sad that I'm so lacking in that intimacy, that I look forward to communion for that reason, because I know that's not what it's really about; but ya gotta do what ya gotta do and ya gotta take what ya get! Fun times...I liked the sermon about having the courage to be yourself. I've touched on this before. I know who I am and that I'm not changing, but courage to show others who I am is often hard. I don't try to pretend to be what I'm not, but I think I'd rather stay in my shell and be a mystery to all, than let people see my quirkiness and be rejected, called weird or ignored entirely. I grew up in church, yet it's hard to find your place in it. I think it's worth trying to find, though. It makes way more sense to me than seeking the universe for answers or sending positive thoughts out into the void and expecting that to come back to me. I don't even know how to explain it, that's how outside me it is. It deals with words like vortex and grid and vibrational...so I'm not gonna knock it since I can't even explain it or understand it one bit, but I think the whole Jesus dying for my sins and God the Father and all that is plenty enough for me. I'm sure tons of people can't grasp that concept or idea of one person dying for our sins, and that's understandable, so I'm okay with not "getting" all that Universe "secret" stuff or positive energy or whatever, and am just sticking with prayer. I'm pretty upset that God's not listening to my one request my whole life, and then turning around and giving it to everyone around me, but I do not know the plan for my life and nor do I want to know everything. I would like to know one thing. or 2 in fact. Will I ever get married and will I ever have children? Outside of that, it can all be a mystery. But sadly I can't know. I have to have faith and trust that what will be will be and that I will survive being alone forever if that's the case. I feel, though, that my body and spirit are dying (not to sound too over dramatic), from lack of love. Lack of face to face contact with people that love me so dearly, on a daily basis, and hand to hand, body to body contact. Not getting detailed here, but I'll say it...someone hold me gosh darnit! LOL. You thought I was going somewhere else with that, didn't you? I kinda feel like my organs are shutting down from this lack of physical touch, but c'est la vie. Outside of one night stands and prostitution, I don't know what else I can do! kidding. Prostitutes don't get held! sorry prostitutes...but anywho, my burden to bear now....and still... is singleness and please God Almighty not for forever I hope! Mama's dying over here. And I'm too much of a good little Christian girl to just take that from anywhere. Like I said, my burden to bear...I'd really like that weight lifted off soon...or put on top of me ;o) LOL fun times...
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