"never going back again"

I love taking lines from a song and making them about me, or something I'm going through or relate to my life in some way. I like to believe that the artist wants this to happen. Sure it's based off their own life, but I think they sometimes write so vaguely so that you can put your own meaning behind it. That's why I don't like country songs because they're so literal. They just tell a story, and usually it's a love story, between a guy and a girl and someone wronged someone. Bore snore. Folksy songs hint at things and have real live feelings in them, but you can always take a line and apply it or compare it to your life in some way.
I love these lyrics- "been down one time. been down two times. I'm never going back again."

But let me jump back to a few days ago: The creeping had overtaken me. It had gotten deeper down. I felt like I had blinked and I was in the pit again. I couldn't even shout "...to Colorado," in OneRepublic's song "Good Life," which I ALWAYS shout out in my car when it comes on the radio, because I love Colorado so much and it just makes me happy to shout it out, like Colorado can hear me. That song is my ringtone. I think that moment was when I realized it had crossed over into bad territory. I don't know how I got out of it. That night after work, I ate a lot of pizza and zoned out and watched my shows, and turning my brain off for awhile sometimes reboots it. If I can stop thinking about how I feel like every one's too busy to hang out with me, (but which started to feel like they don't really want to). And how much I would love to jet off on a weekend trip to Jamaica with my husband, but can't because I have no husband...well, if I can get through thoughts like that, and make it to the other side; well, then I'm in pretty good condition.
I wish it was as easy as the lyrics to that Fleetwood Mac song. I take it literally to heart. "I've been down one time. I've been down two times...I'm never going back again". I wish speaking it was all I had to do. Like it would come into existence by merely stating it, like some magic quote seen in the show "once upon a time." I'd probably need some fairy dust or purple smoke of some kind, but that seems easy enough to get. I wish I could snap my fingers and just be okay with being alone forever. I feel like I'm supposed to be, for some weird reason. Like if I'm not, then this person can't come into my life. Like they are standing outside this invisible force, this wall, and the can't break through. They're not allowed to enter until "Christie is okay being single forever and is happy with her life staying exactly the same forever, even if that means being 80 and being surrounded by cats." And guess what? Christie has never been okay with that. Not when I was 5 playing house with my cabbage patch dolls and I couldn't decide between the name Brian or Ryan for my baby, and not in this present moment and nor will I ever be in the future. I'll be 80 and still hoping for "the one" to show up and still praying that I can have a child..maybe by then medical science will have caught up AND people live to be 150. haha. I am NOT saying that I don't have a blast doing whatever I want and living the single life the way I want to. I totally do. I just know in my heart that I'm a wife and a mother without a partner or a child. It's a hard place to be at 31, when everyone already got that before the age of 30, and most already have kids. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, other than to live my life and take chances out there in this crazy world and see what happens. I can't live in a pit. I can't live vicariously through my favorite characters on my shows. And I certainly can't live my life thinking that having that is the only thing to life, because it's not. I still don't fully get that, because it sure seems like being married and having a family is the most important thing in life. The main reason being, in a healthy family, love is being given and received all the time, on a daily basis. And right now it feels like I'm flinging love out there and it's not making it anywhere, or like falling to the ground, not sticking. And when it does stick, I may get a little back from one of my babes in a hug or sweet smile and "I love you," when I say it to them or tell them to say it. Or I may get a text or fb comment from a friend, but it doesn't feel like like the all-consuming love of someone holding you in bed or kissing you hello after a long day apart, or carrying that sleepy child up the stairs, when they're too big to be carried anymore, but at least you get that hug maybe you don't get so much anymore from them, since they say they are "too big." That was a long tangent I know. I have a very active imagination, can't you tell? I don't need to create Sim City on some computer game. It's all in my head. I teach my imaginary kids how to live a good life, in my head. I teach them life lessons, and I picture how I will spend my nights with the future love of my life, with whom I share a name, or a bed at least. In our house. Let me make that very clear. haha. But I digress into my own fantasy world. Will leave this up to my dreams tonight. I'm sure they'll be filled with all things wonderful. My dreams are as detailed as those in the movie Inception. Like I said, I have a very active imagination...