crashing waves...and pictures

 

What a day a difference can make...or something along those lines. Yesterday the waters were still. It was 80 degrees and I was in shorts. Today it's windy and cold. I'm in sweats and it's 56. The waters are choppy, while yesterday they were still as can be. There's an actual wave crashing to the shore in this picture. And there were no boats out, making waves. It's just that windy. It is now 1pm and I'm finally eating for the first time today. I tried to sit out on the bench for a picnic by the lake but the wind was too strong and cold, so I'm in my car today. But I can still see the lake. It's right there in front of me. I was up till 145am last night, or technically this morning. I can't remember the last time I was up that late. Like it's been a million years at least. I was working on this letter and I couldn't get it to print. Apparently my printer isn't an "Airprinter." It can print my pictures from my phone through air/ Wi-Fi, but in no way shape or form any documents from Word, apparently, even though it was right there in the app for my Canon printer. I could see the document right there. It pissed me off to no end. But I knew it wasn't really about it not printing. It was about the letter itself. Cuz I'm a loser for writing it and I knew it. I ended up smashing this picture out of frustration, that was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn't think it would shatter into a million pieces. I wasn't aware in the moment it was made of glass. But it was and it did. Ironically it said "this is my happy place." Yeah I'm not sure I have such a thing. I don't think I know what that even means. "Happy." Happy is just a feeling in a moment. Like when friends jump out and say "surprise!" as they have thrown you a surprise birthday party. Or when you're spending quality one on one time with a close friend or someone you're really into and it's going really really well. But happiness is always conditional and it's always mixed up with other feelings as well. It's a simple word a simple feeling. You also really feel blessed and loved, when you're happy. Happy is an uncomplicated word that 3 year olds use, because they don't know a bigger word than the word "happy." 

 

I cut my finger on the glass as I picked it up awhile later, when I had finally given up. I didn't even realize it. I picked up my phone and saw red on the screen and realized my thumb was bleeding. I didn't do anything to stop it. It didn't hurt and I didn't care. The same thing happened later in the shower when I was shaving my legs. I cut myself again and didn't care. It didn't hurt and usually when I cut myself, be it shaving or my finger, it hurts. Or at least stings a bit. But I felt nothing. I guess I was hurting too much inside for a little cut to cause any pain or do any real damage.

Well I did find a place near my house to print the letter, and so I did. On the way home from the lake, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. Simon and Garfunkel's I am a rock. I've always related to that song...maybe a little too much. Maybe I too am a rock. Because a rock feels no pain...