And yet again Texas has flip flopped around. Yesterday was cold and overcast and windy and today it's a perfect 71. The waters are still. I'm considering more and more investing in a kayak, but I did look into it years ago and they are very pricey and I could just rent one here for $15. However they are not open in the "winter months" which isn't today and isn't Texas for the most part anyway. But I'd have to wait until Spring. And since Spring is Summer and Summer is Hell...I don't know how much actual kayaking I'd get in.
I walked a ways before I spotted a bench. Someone was already sitting on it. I was already making plans in my head to hover near them, much like my approach to any social situation, but I didn't have to, they got up before I got there. I took off my shoes and socks, rolled up my pants. The sun was warm, but at least there was a nice gentle cool breeze. It helped tremendously. I think I've made my way around the whole lake this past week. Stopping in so many places along the way
on this now 8 day outing. I looked around and spotted one part of one side I wasn't completely sure I'd been to. Tomorrow I will explore to be sure.
I don't really have anything to say. I almost forgot it was New Years Eve. I don't like to be reminded yet another year has gone by and I'm still alone. I like to pretend that these big holidays- Christmas, NYE, Valentine's day, just don't exist at all. They are for people with loved ones and I don't feel that I have that. I haven't gone out in I want to say about 4 years. Yep, 4. I remembered Facebook has their lovely "on this day" section, where you can see what you posted on the exact same day in the past however many years you've been on Facebook. I can't believe I actually wrote this 4 years ago tonight- "2013 is gonna be my year!! I can just feel it!! Big excited things are gonna happen. And I am ready and have an open mind and open heart. I am confident and I know who I am and I am so confident and happy with myself. Watch out world, Christie is here!" Yeah fat lot of good that did me! But I remember that time. I was coming off the high of finally realizing who I am, and dealing with my sexuality and coming to terms with it all and what I wanted. It was a great feeling. I went to Sue Ellen's, Dallas' only lesbian bar that night, with a girl I used to work with who is also a lesbian. I don't remember expecting anything at all from anyone, but you can work this thing both ways, now can't you? You can say "oh I'm not expecting anything to happen but I'm going to stay positive" (and then nothing happens). Or you can go in there expecting to meet someone, and saying "I am going to do this" (and then again nothing happens). I've played both sides, I've played all sides. I've done it all, trust me. Positive, negative, not looking, looking, just doing me... yeah it's fucking all bullshit, whatever. I expect nothing to ever happen ever again. I mean I can't win any way. Even playing that side means that I am "hoping" someone will come along but I'm not expecting it and I'm not looking. There's no right way. You can't win. Those who have someone will say "oh it was the right time," or "I stopped looking and he came along."Bull-shit. You're just saying that because it worked out for you. If it didn't, you wouldn't be saying that. It's all so fucking pointless. So happy fucking new year, or whatever. If you have someone in your life, well good for you. You didn't deserve it and you didn't do anything to get them, but there you go, you have 'em anyway. Enjoy. Have fun. Try not to rub it in everyone else's face. Much obliged.
I guess I did have something to say... but don't I always?!
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