a breathing shell

I need someone to slap me. Like physically, not emotionally with words. Like literally slap me in the face. Not hard, out of anger, just a slap outta love from a trusted friend. Maybe it'll jolt me outta my current state. The state I've been living in for several weekends now. The state of despondency. Of not caring, not being my creative self, well except for writing this I guess. But I just feel so beaten down. My car accident didn't help. It didn't wake me up or bring me back to life or some present state of aliveness. It's like my work week and my weekends I'm 2 completely different people. I'm helping moms and dads and being upbeat and silly for the babies. But my weekends spent all alone, well I just don't even know anymore. I don't try to be creative anymore. I don't do my scrapbooks or collages. I don't write my screenplay. I don't care about anything. I don't read, I don't smile really. I'm just basically a shell. A breathing shell. I need to come alive. I need to care again. I need to be excited about something happening in my life. I needs someone to share life with. I need someone to talk to. Not that I'm gonna talk to them about the depressing state of my life. On the contrary, actually. I would be in a state of giddiness and hyper activeness, just to have someone to laugh with and talk about all the random great stuff of life that I just can't even think of right now. I can't even experience or remember what that is right now. I know there's gotta be something...  
I used to believe in signs. I know there was a reason for that belief. I know there were times that I saw something and then something happened following that sign. You don't believe in signs if you never had any results from them! Well the statue of limitations of sign believing is over. When it's been 7 plus years since anything made any sense to you, the time has come to move on from looking for or noticing signs. From thinking that- just because you found a heart ring, then a clear Barbie shoe (like Cinderella) and then an actual little plastic Cinderella, all within a few weeks or so of each other, that that meant your girl was coming soon... your love was on her way. Really believing that to be true. And then you wake up almost a year later and realize nothing at all has happened, not in the least bit. Finding these very random objects outdoors and in very different places, all by themselves in the grass...meant nothing. No value to it. No reason or rhyme. It was just random nonsense. Garbage in fact. Garbage I still keep on my dresser all displayed like. As if one day I'll say to my love- look! I found these and then you came to me...10 years later...
I had a massage this morning. A student in massage school, doing his many many hours of practice, to become fully certified. I've had a lot of massages. And I mean a lot. I troll Groupon for deals and go to a different person every time, because who has the money to pay 65 or more bucks for a massage?? Well I don't. But this guy, who's school only charges $12.50 due to the fact that they aren't fully certified yet I'm guessing. Well he does a better job than all those "professionals" I've had over all those years. He isn't' burned out yet. He really cares and likes practicing different techniques and addressing different areas. He's amazing. I'll have to save up and pay full price when he gets a job somewhere, because I definitely want to keep seeing him. Well today at the very end of the massage, he did some pressure points on my face. And he ended up at a point between my eyes. It was like the climax of the massage. I feel like he pushed a button that opened to Narnia or somewhere grand. I immediately felt relaxed and peaceful. The words "you are love and light" keep echoing in my head. I felt a "whoosh" come over me. It was quite exhilarating. Well later after I was filling out the questionnaire. He asked if I knew anything about Chakras. I was like no, not really, I have heard the term before. Well not only did he mentioning feeling that same whoosh I felt (and I didn't even mention it), but he also pointed out that my 3rd eye (the point between the eyes) was very loud. Good loud. It's strong and suggest I'm very aware. Self aware, aware of other people's feelings and emotions, as well as mine. Yep that's me. I'm a little too aware. I kinda wish I was clueless sometimes. Like those kids of American Idol who think they can sing. Most of them may be crushed they didn't make it, but then they go- I know I can sing! I'm gonna keep trying... Well bless their little hearts. But maybe if I was clueless to all the people I meet or find on dating sites, in the sense that I wouldn't really know when they didn't like me or having this "can do" attitude, where I think there's somebody out there for me, I just haven't met them yet. Keep on trying. Yeah that's extremely difficult for me. I mean how much disappointment to I have to endure? How many people have to ignore me or reject me before I find someone that doesn't? That wants to at least try with me? Wants to get to know me? I'm mostly numb or despondent or lackadaisical because I haven't had a win in so long. Even on the friend front. It's all "let's hang out! Let's do something this weekend. Even to the point of let's hang out Thursday." And then it becomes, oh I can't thursday, (like I was the one that originally scheduled Thursday) or oh I have to cancel... with no makeup day in sight. If that was someone I was actually dating and in a serious relationship, you best believe that wouldn't fly. You have to spend a significant amount of time with someone you are highly considering spending the rest of your life with. But when it's a friend, you just have to accept it and be grateful when they throw you a bone finally somewhere down the line. Take that 1 hr window they give you. Take it before it's gone or revoked. So that's why I'm in this mood. I just can't care anymore. Or right now. I can't believe everything will work out. I can't have this starry eyed mentality that everything will work out/ true love is around the corner/ Disney fantasy I had in my 20s. I just can't anymore. Call me bitter, I don't care. I'm old and I'm tired. It's been too long since I've been kissed, since I've held someone's hand, since I've been laid on top of, just laid on; since I've felt arms wrap around me and hold me tight... as if to say, "no I'm not letting you go. You don't get an hour of my time once every 3 months, no I want you all night long." (and I mean that in the least creepy way possible). I honestly just want to be held on to. That's all I want. So I don't float away. So I don't roll away or dematerialize into nothingness, disappear as if it were the rapture. "I want you." That's all I want to be told. And to mean it too, of course. Most people don't remember little things like this, but I remember vividly when one of my friends put her hand on my back and moved it back and forth. Like a nice comforting rub. I remember this because I started to tear up. To feel that touch from someone I knew cared about me, well it was overwhelming in a good way. It was foreign, like when someone touches the back of your knee, where no one ever touches and it makes you jump a little. You're just not used to it. It tickles, but in a good way. I'm grateful for those moments, I guess. I try to tell myself, something's always better than nothing. I don't know if that's really true. I guess it's the whole "is the cup half full or half empty?" conundrum. Are you grateful for any water at all? Or are you really really thirsty and think- "this isn't enough water to quench my thirst! I need a full glass!" sometimes I'm the former and sometimes I'm the latter. I guess it depends on which twin I am that day ;o) a little astrology joke there for you, here at the end. I am a Gemini ya know :op       

online dating is for the cats

All the couples who have met online in some way shape or fashion will disagree with me on this, but I kinda wish online dating didn't exist. I don't like it. I don't like that it's even an option, because it makes me feel like I have to at least give it a try. I have to look, otherwise you can't really say you've given "finding the one" a decent shot, if you haven't tried online yet. One of two things happen- the person either sounds good on paper and you meet them and there's just nothing there, or their picture just does nothing for you so you don't even give their profile a fair shot. They could be a really great person, but I will never know... cuz I am superficial I guess. Kidding. Well we all are to a certain point. I also just don't like knowing everything about a person before even meeting them. I'd rather get to know all of the fun stuff in person. Talk for hours with them and see all that we have in common, not already know it. I don't like the picture thing also for myself, because I'm sure girls do the same thing to me that I do to them. Don't give them a chance first. Not one single girl I have ever emailed on dating sites first has ever emailed me back. I've emailed back and forth with girls and met them in person, but they initiated it and since they were interested in me, I gave them a shot. Even though I wouldn't have been the one to email first. But the ones that I could tell from what they said, sounded interesting and cool, and were also pretty in some way or another, they wouldn't even respond once to me. What the fuck is that about? It just sucks. Why can't I have an attractive, pretty girl? Why do I always have to be the one to settle for whoever deems me worthy? I'm not emailing model type girls here, please, I wouldn't try for totally out of my league or anything, I'm not clueless. I keep saying online is not for me, but yet I find myself looking once again, and trying once again, because it's really really rough out there for single people. I don't know how anyone meets anyone outside of college. It's like a war zone. It's like a jungle or a corn maze where you're looking for one specific leaf or one specific ear of corn, I mean c'mon, you have a better chance of winning the lottery! And there's always that question hanging over my head like a dark cloud that follows you wherever you go-" but what if there's nobody out there for me? What if I'm just meant to be alone forever?" If this is true, then what the fuck am I doing? Why am I bothering? Why I am putting myself out there and trying and being disappointed or knocked down or rejected time and time again, for? What is the point? If it's just my lot in life to be single then I am wasting my time partaking in any of it. Even if I say well I'm looking for more friends. Ehh, I'm not really. Not that I have a lot; I don't really, especially since they all have significant others and families to spend almost all their waking hours with (and non-waking as well). But I'm not good at making friends with girls that are a possibility for dating. Because if you do that, then what happens is, they start dating someone and then you really don't get to be their friend anymore... at least that's how it's happened for me. So I'm listening to Spotify, some random station, and Jack Johnson comes on and sings "why must I always be waiting, waiting on you??" yes exactly. Why? It's like standing next to what you think is a bus stop sign, but you didn't look closely enough and in fact the sign says "duck crossing." Idiot. You're gonna be waiting a long long time. I'm so over online dating. Which I've said many times and somehow find my way back to it, and then I repeat the same mantra and the cycle starts again. What would be perfect and what only happens in movies is either a friend of mine sets me up with someone who, (because they know me so well and love me so much and want me to find happiness), ends up being a perfect match and the love of my life. Or I bump into someone and spill my papers and her coffee and our eyes meet and we are instantly attracted to each other and it's onward and upward from there. I don't think either one of those things is gonna happen. I literally know no one who that has happened for in real life reality world. It's a nice story though. At least I have my cat, though. Mollie loves me. I am her world,. I am everything to her and vice versa. She couldn't live without me, especially since she likes no one else but me. Even while typing this, she felt the need to leave her comfortable spot in the cupboard on my towel (yes my dry food and towels are in the same spot), and jump up on my bed, stand on my legs and sniff my tablet and then lay down at my feet, first attacking them and then starting her bathing ritual. Maybe I sometimes use Mollie as an excuse to not get out there in the physical world, but I do love staying at home and spending time with her. I do leave her all day for work all alone, and I always feel bad about that. She's not just a cat. She's my best friend, my baby and my love. That may make me sound like a "crazy cat lady" and you can think what you want. But a best friend is someone you spend a lot of face time with, being completely and totally yourself with. And a baby is someone you care for by meeting their needs like feeding them and cleaning them and providing for them financially and otherwise, who you also discipline but still love when they act out. And your "love," well that's self explanatory. You love them with all your heart and can't imagine your life without them. Call me crazy if you want, but everything I just described also applies to my Mollie. And she wants to be with me all the time. She has to be in whatever room I'm in, or at least see me from wherever she is at all times. Ok maybe that last part is a bit creepy, if your loved ones were always staring at you, I would say you might want to get them looked at by a professional ;o)
I'm not the best at conclusions. And as always I branch off onto something else, but I still hate online dating. That remands the same. But I guess if I stay home with Mollie a lot, it's my only option if I ever want to meet someone and fall in love. Even if I don't believe it'll work... I'm sure I'll find my way back on there again... at some point. But for now, my love is my Mollie. She's not a placeholder for the real thing. She is love. She is enough.

will to live

I was thinking the other day, about this "will to live." What keeps us going on? And even though we sometimes do have this great power to control whether we live or die...do we really? And do you want that power? I'm not obsessed with death, like some people. Thank God. Even though there are moments that feel like an eternity of loneliness, and it feels like the easy answer, the escape mode, would be to check out; it's more of a "wish in a moment", and since none of my wishes ever come true, I think I'm safe.
I think (and I could be wrong, but who can say really, since we aren't creators of ourselves) that when it's all said and done, our "will to live" has nothing to do with our control over living and dying. I think there's something deeper down in the depths of our soul that decides this for us. I say this for a few examples. Take a premature baby, in fact take 2. Both born at 23 weeks (extremely early). Both could have the same issues, brain bleeds, lungs aren't' developed, difficulty breathing, jaundice, heart problems, feeding problems, you name it. One baby survives and the other doesn't. Is it because one newborn baby decided it would live and the other one gave up? No I don't think so. We can say "he's a fighter" and I'm sure that he is, but when it comes down to it, it had nothing to do with the baby's ability to control it's life. There was something deep down, in the depths of their soul that pushed them to live. I don't think they were aware of it at all. They don't have to capacity to think yet at this point anyway.
When you're an adult you can choose, (I'm not gonna judge anyone for "giving up the fight" or what have you. I don't know their story, I don't know what it's like to live inside their head. If I was seeing aliens everyday in front of my face and no amount of medicine was taking those visual realities away from them, I wouldn't want to live like that either). But I was really thinking about myself here. I feel like yes I can "choose" in a literal sense, but when I think about no matter how dark and deep I go down into a place where I want it all to be over, it's not over. Something keeps me alive. There is something deeper down, in that soul I was talking about. I feel like something that's not me, fights for me. It's a part of me, but it's not a part that I can control or was really aware of. No matter how hard I wish for it sometimes or more times than I wish to count, I am still here. I haven't keeled over from lack of physical touch or emotional connection with another person in an intimate relationship. Some how I made it another day, another month, another year of "not getting my needs met." I put that in quotations because in reality food, water, air, shelter is all you really needs. I guess clothes too, but I beg to differ as I don't wear them ever in my home. Or on the rarest occasions. Not that I wouldn't wear them if I had to, but I live alone with a cat, so I can do what I want.
We do know for a fact that babies in those first 3 years of life need a heck of a lot more than food air water shelter and clothes. They need human touch, love, and lots of it, or they do not develop into any form of a healthy human being. Also they need to be played with and talked to and taught, or they again will not develop into any form of a healthy adult. We've seen this played out in orphanages in Romania, or extreme child abuse cases or ferel children left to fend for themselves. But I'm talking about adults here. Obviously addictions are formed, unhealthy relationships are made, all due to things we "think we need to live, ie our needs." I'm not gonna debate peoples genetic dispositions to addiction or diseases that they have. I don't know anything about that, not personally I mean. And I'm not gonna pretend I'm some kind of angel person because I live this life of celibacy like a nun. Please. I definitely want all that stuff. I wouldn't pass it up if the right person came along, I'm just not interested in trying on a bunch of  the wrong ones. I am very self aware and I am very tuned in to how a person is reacting to me when I meet them, as well as what feeling I'm getting about them when we meet. I would definitely be someone's friend first before I moved on to dating them. I also would go into dating right off, if it felt right. But I know pretty dang quickly in meeting someone for the first time, if there's even friendship potential there. I read them. Are they comfortable with me? Are they friendly and open, but not in a "tell me your wife died in her sleep" in the first 3 seconds of meeting. That's real deep and can certainly come soon in the convo, but not 3 seconds in. I used that example because that happened to me, in a first online message from a person. It was weird, I knew nothing about them yet. But anyway moving on. Are they not superficial? Are they looking at me and not other people? They could look down too. I totally do that. Eye contact can be hard initially, that's totally cool. I just don't' want that person to be looking around like they don't really want to be there with me. I like to have that real one on one conversation with someone, and if we've got some shared interests and I can tell that I didn't scare them away with my looks, haha just kidding, then a second meeting is possible. Connection and chemistry can happen in a first meeting, but I know it also can come later. But there has to be a reason to meet again. Things like: this person is funny or seems cool, interesting, real easy going, laid back, we have a ton in common, and probably most important- cares!  Many of these if not all need to be there to move forward as even just friends. At least more than acquaintance friends, and definitely more than Facebook friends. That's a given.
And per usual, I have veered off into an entirely different topic than my original one, but I will claim that it all went together some how. It's all one thought.
Because I don't know what's going to happen 5 years from now, or tomorrow, I am glad that something deep down in my soul has willed itself to live. To carry on. Just because the past... too many birthdays to count (plus the one coming up in 10 days),  I have had no "birthday sex", (wait I've never had that). I mean, no physical love and attention..the way that I want to be loved on that day (obviously you want to be loved everyday, but it should be extra special on your birthday...take heed husbands and wives and girlfriends and boyfriends), it doesn't mean that next years birthday I won't finally have someone to share the special day with! It's what I wish for every year when I blow out my candles... if I have candles to blow out, that's not always a given every year. Maybe my wish will come true this year. For once. A girl can dream... and without dreams you are basically dead... which leads me to end with a song. I LOVE this song by Ingrid Michelson. I play it loudly in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. It references a "you and me" and "we" and honestly that doesn't bother me, because I just pretend that they are both me. A "me, myself and I" kinda situation. Or better yet- "me and my soul." Yeah. I like that. Carry on. Read away. Go listen to it online, as the melody always makes words better.

Afterlife by Ingrid Michelson

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever
If we want to we can live
Inside of a moment
The one that we own

You and me
We got this
You and me
We're beautiful
Beautiful

We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got we always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we are the afterlife

Living like you're dying
Isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands
Put them on my heart
Raise a glass to everyone
Who thinks they'll never make it through
This life
To live a brand new start

You and me
We got this
You and me
We're beautiful
Beautiful

We are
We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got
We always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we are the afterlife

'Cause we are the afterlife
'Cause we are the afterlife

Every time I close my eyes
I hear your favorite song
Telling me not run
Not to worry anymore
I can't hold on tight
To nothing better than the rest
So it's now
Or never more

We are
We are
We are going to be alright
We got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we are the afterlife

Fears

Do you ever think about fear? Like snakes. I don't like seeing any snake whatsoever. Even if it's just a garden snake, they just creep the bejeezus outta me. And rightfully so. Even in the bible snakes are freakn' terrifying, a snake was what tempted Eve and caused her to sin which I totally understand why she did it, but that's a whole other story. Some fears can be overcome by diving deep into them. Like zombies. I was totally freaked out by zombies. Like I'm talking about even just the zombies in Zombieland, which was totally meant to be a comedy. But after years of hearing about the show The Walking Dead, I decided to conquer my fear of zombies and dive in head first. At first I tried not to look at them too much, just looked at the alive actors. The storyline hooked me in and I got addicted quick. I cringed a lot and covered my eyes and gasped, but now I am desensitized to it all. That's not to say I wouldn't freak out if a real live zombie was coming at me. You better believe I'd lose it. But I know it's just a whole lot of makeup and sometimes special effects. After the sheer number of zombies I see per episode, and being that I'm on episode 30 something, I've officially gotten over my fear of zombies. But when I think about "diving deep" into a tank full of snakes, in order to get over my fear of them, that's a whole other story. To be quite honest I don't think I could do it. Not for any amount of money. I would probably have a heart attack, or if I did survive, from that day on I would wake up every night thinking that there were snakes crawling on me. I don't think I could get that sensation off of me, of a snake's skin on me. I shudder just thinking about it.
So there's real fears of something physical and tangible (ie snakes) and fears of the "fiction" kind or at least not real at this moment in time (ie zombies). But there are also fears that you cannot put your hands on, or see on a screen. They are the fears that lie inside us. Emotional fears. Inadequacy, rejection, loneliness etc...we all have them. I was thinking the other day about how my greatest fear in life isn't snakes, because they aren't in my day to day life. I don't live in the amazon where I'm faced with them every day. And it really is good to be scared of them, because many are poisonous and can kill you, or squeeze you to death, so it's okay to be scared and stay away. My greatest fear is that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. And I was thinking about how this has been my fear for forever, but guess what? I'm still alive. The zombie didn't bite me and the snake didn't swallow me up. This fear doesn't have power. I conquer it every day, by continuing to fight. Even if that fight is just to survive, just to live and not give up, no matter how long its been since I've had someone kiss me or hold me in their arms. As much as I say I feel like I'm dying inside without that, I'm still here. I haven't physically keeled over from lack of physical love and affection. There's no end in sight to getting this for myself. To finding someone. There's no time line, there's no guarantee. And while some would say, conquering a fear of being alone forever can only be achieved by going on a million online dates, blind dates, meet up groups ect "trying" to find someone, putting yourself out there or even just doing what you love to do and see who you meet. What I love to do is watch movies. And the last movie group I went to I was the only one under the age of 65, so... Well maybe I'm not "trying," in that sense of the word, as in trying to find someone so that I'm not alone, but I am surviving. I am breathing, I am going to work and I'm paying my bills and visiting my family and going out with friends on occasion and thinking up new ways to show my godsons how much I love them. (most recently I am going to put a puppet show together to a song). I'm doing what I can, at the moment. And I believe I am facing my greatest fear every single day of my life, and I don't think many people can say that they do that. Unless their job is to feed the lions at a zoo and their greatest fear is lions.
I don't know how to want something less. Can you want air or water less? Can you stop wanting something that you've wanted your whole life and haven't stopped wanting it for even a second? No I don't think so. But you can choose to sometimes just breath. Just stay alive and just get out of bed, and just live your life the best way you know how. Maybe something will happen that day, maybe not. You have control over where you go some of the time, what you do, which direction you take. Some choices are made for you, but as adults you get to make many of them all on your own. I don't think God has a plan. That doesn't mean he doesn't love us, he sent his only son to prove that. But I don't think he has a set plan, because then it would be like he was a puppet master, making us go one direction or choose one thing over another. I think we make our own choices. I think things just happen, because they happen. Some peoples choices affect other in a negative way, and sometimes stuff just happens just cuz it does! There's no reason behind it. But I think it's good for people to believe that "everything happens for a reason." I'm not one of those people, but kudos for you, and I think if it makes you feel better about something really crappy happening to you or a loved one, then by all means believe that and let that peace help you. If it's not coming off as sincere, I mean it to be, I'm not being sarcastic. I'm not even being a downer. I haven't lost faith, I've just been at this "game" for far too long to believe that everything happens for a reason and that I'm alone because God wants me to be or there's some reason behind it. I don't think there is. I've been in this singles game for so many years now without even making contact with the ball and hitting it somewhere in the field. It's like a swing and a miss or no one throwing me the ball, or getting hit by the ball. But enough about balls... haha
I've got to get over this expectation that everything will happen for me as it did for all my friends, bullshit. I'm just being realistic in saying that I don't know if I'll ever get the wonderful opportunity to love someone the way I want to be loved. But maybe that person is out there thinking the exact same thing right now. That would be pretty funny to swap stories later on about how we were feeling now in our separate lives. She can read all my blogs and be like wow, I can tell you where I was on "may 24, 2014" and I was lying on the floor praying for something to happen in my life, cuz I was just like done with it. It would be cool to have some new stories to share, some new adventures with someone in a capacity like that. I have a whole list of 30 plus "things I want to do when I get a girlfriend." Things like lay out and look at the stars, show her my 'ol stomping grounds ie Baylor campus, ride a tandem bike together, just silly stuff like that. That would be cool if at least some of those things happened in my lifetime, before I am too old to do most of them. But it is what it is.
My screenplay has a lot of scenes of things I've wanted to happen with someone I was in love with. Connections being made via talking... and not talking. I think it's therapeutic to write out situations I long to be in. If I got to see it on the big screen, it would be like watching one of the many movies I love, that just bring me joy and hope sometimes. I don't know why. It just does.
Just like you can't live in a fear that there is a snake or zombie around every corner, you also can't live in the fear that you will be alone for the rest of your life. Some who take the "universe" route of life, they would say I am making myself stay single by thinking that. Well. Believe what you want to believe. I don't tell anyone how to believe or what to believe in. I don't think I would have all these letters in a shoebox addressed to "my future love" if I truly believed my fear that I will always be alone. Fears are fears. They have truth to them otherwise you wouldn't have them, but they don't have to rule your life. They don't have to control you. Please seek therapy if your fear is of being raped or beaten, because this has happened before to you. There is nothing better in cases like that, than therapy, and the right therapist. But other fears, on an emotional level, often they are not totally true. You aren't inadequate. You aren't rejected. You aren't alone. You feel that way AND you have SOME proof that you are, but in reality it's not enough. Because you are more than that. You are more than that fear that you think is your whole life. Hopefully someone out there will tell you that you aren't ____ (whatever you think you are). But even if there isn't a soul to be found, ya gotta tell yourself that you aren't. Put up a sign on your mirror that says "you aren't a loser" if that's what it takes. Put it in your car, in your refrigerator. Or better yet, put up a positive phrase. Also you gotta make new signs every so often, otherwise it becomes a constant on your wall and you don't even look at it anymore because its not out of place anymore, it's like another one of your many paintings or pictures. Mine says- "you are a fighter. Wonderfully weird, loved and worth it." None of that says I will be alone forever. Except for maybe the weird part. haha. But no, I need to do a new one or move it somewhere because it's just a part of my mirror now and I forget to read it.
I don't usually challenge people in my blogs, because I really am just writing out my own contemplations on my life, on love and whatever I'm feeling. But try it. Whatever your greatest fear is (emotional fear), put some phrase or word up somewhere and read it everyday. I'm not saying it will work forever. But for now is good enough. Any day when you don't live and hide in that fear, is a good day.

shoebox of hope

It should really be no surprise how much I crave and desire and thirst and ache to find that one true love to spend my life with. When every day I'm constantly being reminded about how much importance is put into that kind of love. Whether it be in a song, a movie, a TV show, a musical I attend, or even just status' on Facebook. Every friend I've ever made finding their love and getting engaged, then married, then having kid, before I've even been on one date with one person. All of that "stuff" is vomited on me on a daily basis, that I don't even have time to take a shower or change before I'm puked on again. Not a great picture, I know. I actually despise vomiting in movies... and real life. I have no desire to ever see Pitch Perfect ever again, because of the vomiting scene. Just thinking about it now is making my stomach churn. So, why bring it up? I don't know. Hearing about love doesn't make me sick like that does. It makes me angry, and jealous and spiral into a deep depression sometimes, but it doesn't make me violently ill. I really absolutely have no desire to attend another wedding again ever, but I have and I will, even though I've said that for years now. I can quietly and respectively sulk without it affecting the mood of the wedding. I'm an expert at that. *But in all honesty, if my little sister who recently got engaged, and who I must preface by saying we are about as close as you are with the coffee barista you see every so often... well actually you probably see them more than I see my sister, so bad example. Let's just say we're not close. We have nothing in common. And I'll never understand her, and we are about as opposite as 2 people can possibly be... and not in an opposites attract kind of way, but in a clash of personalities and characteristics that could never work in any type of relationship ever. I'll always love her, since she's family (and sorry I went off on a tangent with these last sentences so I'll star this and pick it back up with my original thought) *But in all honesty, if my little sister who recently got engaged, asked me to be a bridesmaid and stand up on stage with her and do all the things bridesmaids do, I would very politely and respectively decline. If I have that much trouble attending my good friends weddings, whom I love and am happy for... but at the same time both jealous and sad that this means I will see far less of them than I used to; then you can imagine how I would feel about standing up in front of my whole family, as the still single older sister loser, who's sexuality is in question and who they think is already the crazy cat lady. I am, but still...No, I couldn't take that, and am not willing to subject myself to that just because it's the "traditional" thing to do in a wedding- have your flesh and blood sister at the bridesmaid or maid of honor. Since when have I been about tradition? I'm glad she found someone to take care of her though. It's a really really good thing... especially for my parents. And that's all I'll say about that.

Music is such a HUGE part of my life and about 90% of music is "love" themed. I swear, it's like a huge percentage. I have been in love before, so I guess I get it. However I no longer think about my exes during these songs, or at all (seriously not like at all. I'm not overselling that point). So these songs sometimes can make me hopeful for a love yet to be found, or sad that I don't have that love yet, and haven't for over 7 years. By the way I am completely aware that a good 99% of my posts are love related, however, I do not care. It's where I am in my life. It's where I've been for a long time... desiring love. I'm not gonna apologize for being somewhere that 99% of my age population is already at in life... spending their every day time with the love of their life. Coming home to someone, cooking dinner, fighting about what to watch, one falling asleep in the arms of the other because it's a show they didn't want to watch. I would love to have that kind of night. Mostly because I crave the physical touch more than anything. I was re watching Orange is the New Black and Piper says something like "it's not even sex. I miss contact" (and even though later that same day she's making out with her ex Alex). I SO get what she means. Human contact is everything. Touch is everything. Maybe not to everybody, but I think something's wrong with you, if you don't like it. haha. Sorry. Then the transgender hairdresser replies back to Piper saying something very important- "The body gets lonely in here. Human beings aren't supposed to live like this." And even though she's literally talking about being in a prison, and I'm not going to even attempt to debate anything on that subject, I relate it to my life. It's lonely in here, in my world, in my home, in my life, in my body. I would never in a million years hook up with random people for some human contact. I am getting more lenient in my thinking on how many dates and all that... I'm almost 33, I'm not some 15 year old that lives at home with my parents. But obviously there has to be a connection, and emotional connection, chemistry and friendship, but more than friends clearly. But human beings aren't supposed to live like this. Like I'm living. Without human contact or very little that doesn't involve a cat or holding and hugging the baby against their will. Kidding. I only hug babies that I know won't throw a fit over it. I work with babies, if you are wondering where I'm getting all these babies from. I'd like to meet a woman who has not been in a relationship or had any physical contact like I'm talking about, for longer than my 7 and a half years. I'd like to sit down with her, fascinated to see how she's survived and what tips she has. If she says she has a ton of single girlfriends that she hangs out with a lot and are real "huggy" gals, then she's out. Her opinion doesn't matter. I'm kidding, it would matter some, but it's not the same as how I'm living.
But back to the music point I was making, man I'm all over the place tonight. I think about those songs, those lyrics. They are written because they apply to so much of the population. They are hits because people relate to them. I guess being in love, no matter if it was just a very late teen college love, and a really short intense we're gonna get married, love, it still was love and I'm grateful to have been loved at all. I can relate with the rest of humanity, to those songs. Or some of them. I love "wedding" songs so much. I have this long list of songs I wanted to play at my wedding. Billy Joel's- She's got a way... Etta James- At last... Alison Kraus' When you say nothing at all...and many more I can't remember right now and don't know where my list is. It's an old list. Nowadays several Joshua Radin's songs will be added to it, as well as Sara Bareilles' "I choose you." I love love songs. I love what they represent and how they make me feel. Even if that feeling is "sadness" sometimes. Without love or the hope of love, life would be so completely pointless and lifeless and just not worth living.

My friend texted me after one of my blogs, and her words meant a lot, because I think she gets it, and she was encouraging as well. She said "I love how you know what you want and you won't settle. I feel like that means when you finally get what you want, it'll really be the best thing for you. Cuz you didn't fuck around wasting time on things you knew wouldn't work for you. That's awesome. I know it's hard to see, but I'm so excited for you when it happens." I'm lucky to have friends that are excited for me. They are excited for someone I haven't met yet. I'm stuck in a hopeless place of being convinced that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, that there truly is no one out there for me. My deepest fear, a truth, a reality. Meanwhile my bestie just knows that there's someone out there for me. She just accepts it. Like it's a fact. An inevitable truth. She's like love's around the corner! And I'm like which corner? The corner of First and Amistad? Wait. That's where you find God. (10 bonus points if you get what song that line is from).  I tell her that she's got to have enough faith for both of us, because I don't have any. Or not much. If I didn't have any, I guess I wouldn't go to any of the meet up groups and events that I personally scheduled. I wouldn't have gotten involved in the young adult class at church, online sites, every venue I can think of. They've all failed dramatically, but I probably will keep investigating here and there. I can't try all the time. It's not in my nature to be super social and to spend my free time doing things I don't want to do, and meeting strangers, but I know if I WANT to find someone (which I do) I have to keep trying. Even if I'm convinced there's no one out there and that it's all pointless. I could be wrong. I'm wrong about a lot of things. I just don't like to admit it.
I heard a crash just now and a bag of baby stuff had fallen off my shelf. It's a small bag, but I've bought a couple owl or cat related items for a baby I do not have and might not ever have, but I bought it because I would have regretted it or been mad if I couldn't find it once I had a child. It is just the cutest stuff ever. I don't seek this stuff out, but I spoil my godsons a ton, so I find something for myself on the rare occasion. I also have this awesome alphabet painting that is just the coolest thing you've ever seen. The same thing goes for my letters I wrote to my "future husband" since I was 16, but randomly started writing "future love" many years ago, before I ever realized anything about myself, so it's good that it's generic and not gender specific. haha. And there's some to my future girl as well, written in the past 2 years. I think I need to write another one soon. It gives ne hope. I'm glad I've done them for so long. When that person that marries me, opens those letters I've sealed and never read since the moment I wrote them, they are going to be absolutely blown away by my commitment to someone I didn't even know their name, let alone existed. They are going to realize that they are the luckiest person in the world, to have met me and to get to have me all to themselves. The letters from years ago have actually filled a shoebox and has been sealed. I have a new one going. I think I have to cling to those moments of hope. And adopt my best friend's confidence and assurance. Ignore the thoughts that aren't truths, but speculations and fears, even if deep down I think I'm right about being alone for forever. I don't think I wouldn't done all that I have and keep on doing to try to find someone, if I really truly believed what I thought I believed deep down. Alright. That's all for now. Mollie is looking at me like, will you stop neglecting me now! Gotta give my kitty some love. Night night.

like a zombie stuck in the mud

Do you ever get this feeling when you are walking, that instead of moving forward, you are moving backwards, or even not at all? If you look to the left or right you can see that the scenery is changing, proving that you are in fact moving forward, but it's the feeling that your feet aren't taking you anywhere. And no you're not on a treadmill by the way. I get that feeling a lot. It's also a metaphor for my life. My life isn't moving forward. I am not forming close relationships that move forward into serious relationships that turn into committed relationships, that produce new tiny human relationships. That is the essence of life. That is the definition of "moving forward." And maybe some single people have jobs that they can move forward within. They get huge promotions and salary increases and they become the boss and they are proud of that, and they have moved forward in their career. Yay for you. And I don't mean for that to sound sarcastic. That is truly great. Because you worked hard for that and you invested time in it and you made it happen. Hurray! That is something that is important to most single people, but I am not one of those people.
There are Hallmark cards for engagements, weddings, new babies and even new homes or job promotions. All of those things are to celebrate that person, moving forward. I'm never given a card like that. I wish there was a card that said "Hurray! You've survived 7 whole years of being single and you're still kicking! You are still alive, well looky there. You are independent and amazing and wonderful. Go you! You did it. You accomplished it." Yes that is a really long title for a card. It would not actually fit on the front of the card. I actually get the new job or new home accomplishment deserving of a card more than I do the marriage and baby. In most cases it takes hard work to be promoted or to save enough money to buy a house. But to find someone that you love and want to marry and they want that back, well that's just called being lucky. Being in the right place in the right time. The relationship takes work of course. But if you have that many problems before even getting engaged to be given a card... well then maybe you shouldn't be getting married quite yet. In most cases getting pregnant is called... having sex without a condom, whether you planned it or not. Why do you get a card for that? I would gladly write a long message on a blank card to someone who tried so many years to get pregnant and it finally happened. Good for your perseverance. Or adopting a child- you go! Thanks for loving one of the many discarded or incapable of being taken care of by the birth parents, children of this world.

I guess I could "move forward" by literally moving somewhere. But after how Colorado turned out for me, I don't think I could survive all that again. Not all alone. Losing literally every single person that I was close to, there, and pretty much at the same time, may have been a one time unlucky life experience, but I'm not really willing to play that out and test my luck. If anything I took 2 or 12 steps back, I did not move forward, after coming back home from my dream place to live. Colorado did give me a beautiful place to live and a best friend for life, so I'm not complaining. But have I "moved forward?" No. I don't think I ever will. I don't think it's possible, not without something majorly good in your life happening. Something big that pushes you forward. Moving forward is a good thing. You don't want to look back and dwell in the past. And you don't want to remain stuck in the present. Unable to move your feet like a zombie in the mud (I've been watching way too much walking dead). I don't look back anymore. I did for a really really long time. But I don't anymore. I don't want the life I've had before. I'm over my past, and my past relationships. But I am stuck in the present. The 7 year present. The alone prison... I mean present. I've tried a million and one ways to move forward, to try to get my feet unstuck, but you know what's happened? Maybe I haven't been knocked off my feet or pushed back several steps, but I've been knocked backwards. My feet might remain planted, but I've fallen down, body bent, while my feet remain flat on the ground. What do I do? Well, I stay there for a little bit. Maybe a little too long. I have to gain strength to pull myself back up. And without the use of your feet, this is all ab work, and my abs aren't so great. But I can get back up. But once I'm in standing, I don't know if I'll try to move my feet for awhile. I don't know that I can lift even one foot pulling it out of that mud. I don't know if I will try right now. I don't need a little boy throwing rocks at me while I stand there in the mud. I don't need to be taunted or teased. I don't know that I need encouragement right now. I don't need a "you can do it" you can get out of the mud, c'mon push through the pain. I need someone standing there face to face. Silently caring. A look of not pity, but understanding. Maybe a word of, man this sucks you are stuck there, I get it. I know I cannot pull you out, but I will sit right here and listen to you tell me how you are doing, what you are feeling, standing in that mud. A little empathy, a little anger for me, so I don't have to carry it all alone. A "This is crap! You should not be stuck, you should be out running around chasing butterflies! I'm angry for you, that this is life for you." And since I'm not a flesh eating zombie, then a hug would be warranted, cuz I will not bite your face off, don't you worry. As long as you don't talk too long about your perfect life. haha.
Since I am standing there and won't bite, maybe that hug lasts longer than a half a second. And maybe it's not a side hug either, but a full body hug. Just because I'm attracted to girls doesn't mean I'm attracted to any of my friends. I am not. Part of the problem is I'm attracted to the unattainable, currently all actresses I'll never meet let alone date. Maybe I won't cry on your shoulder, but maybe I will, and I'd like to think I have friends that would allow that, and openly invite it. Not all the time, but on a rare occasion. Ya gotta remember I'm not going home to be held in bed by someone like you are, or hold a sleeping baby in your arms. The best I'll get is to pick up a sleeping cat off the floor while she meows in half asleep complaint and lay her on my chest and coax her head down while she goes back to sleep, to tired to protest. That's all I got. It is better than nothing, though.
But I know we can't all get what we want. I am a true testament to that. I might sit down in the mud for a bit. Think about things. Think about what I've tried before, which feels like everything. Think about what I want to try next, even if it's not for awhile. I'm comfy here. I am a loner and I'm okay with that most or some of the time. I get to do so much more of what I want to do, when I'm alone. But at the same time there is so much I can't do because I'm alone. Or don't enjoy doing. I guess you can do almost anything alone, but kiss yourself or hold yourself. I mean you can technically, just not in the same way and it makes you very very sad. And now that I've told people... it makes me seem even sadder. haha. Oh well. I'm not afraid to speak out about how I feel. I guess the whole zombie metaphor doesn't work when I talk about sitting down and thinking things out. Zombie's wouldn't do that. They would try to get free from that mud. Well, maybe not when there's no living flesh around, but when there is you better believe they are fighting. They have one thing on their mind- eating. Sorry to paint that picture. I too have one thing on my mind- finding that one person to spend my every day to day life with and to love and to hold till death do us part. When no one's around, I probably just stand there energy draining, like the zombie, but at the first sight of an attractive, cool, funny, strong, independent human being, man you better believe I'll be fighting to get out of that mud and go grab 'em. But in a way less creepy way. Maybe a casual swag with a " how you doing? Wait that's Joey from Friends. Well, I don't know what I'll do. Talk to her normally I'm guessing. Ya know, normal as in, with a fully functioning brain. Well as functional as humanly possible for the "in your head, creative, writer-type" that I am. I have the self confidence. I just need the right girl to come along. Don't worry, I won't bite. Unless you want me to. Wink wink. Yes I took it there, deal with it.
Christie out.

post anger meltdown

I just broke a wireless keyboard, a wireless mouse, a picture from my wall that was technically already broken, (the frame was, this time I threw it and shattered the glass everywhere) and subsequently a picture from the other side of the wall because of the vibration from throwing the keyboard at the wall. I just couldn't take it anymore. Between my job only caring about how much money we make them and not the babies themselves, and the ever increasing traffic due to Dallas being "The place to live" because of our job boom in town... and most importantly that I have no one to come home to and talk about it with, or not talk about it with, just to be held by them and kissed or just let me fucking cry about it in their arms until I've exhausted myself and can move on. I have nothing and nobody. When everything in your life is just... nothing, just empty and meaningless... it's hard to see any good in it and any point, really. Meaning something to someone every now and then, connecting with that someone, every once and awhile, doesn't cut it for me. That's not life. That's not living. That's short and brief. That's not actual in your face everyday life giving life. Even on nights where you don't really talk, you just veg out and watch TV, it's still better than doing that every single night all alone. If it isn't obvious, I am very angry. I don't have an outlet other than flipping out in traffic with the window down, sure to scare all the people on the road into thinking I'm an escaped mental patient, or throwing things and screaming at home, scaring Mollie as well as the old quiet Asian couple I share a wall with, who I'm sure have 911 on speed dial and their thumb on it, ready to push send if something goes down over here, like a gun shot or something. I wouldn't do that. Take the easy way out. Not to make anyone feel bad who has tried that or had a love one do that, because lots of people have serious mental illnesses, and untreated, undiagnosed or even just the inability to stop themselves... I could never speak on anybody but my own self. I don't think what I do, helps either though. Nothing does. I wish there was a pill you could take and you would just feel at peace all the time, but that's not realistic. You have to feel bad sometimes. So that you know what feeling good really is. Otherwise it is meaningless. "good' would be normal.

Wrote this a few days ago:
I've had a lot of, let's just say "different" experiences lately. Things I haven't experienced before. Big events, both not good in general, and not good... to me. I feel like I'm just kind of floating through at this point. The other day I felt something I can't say I had fully felt before. I shut down completely. Not in a "depressed" way, or even a disassociating from reality kind of way. I've experienced those before. I came home from work, I got into bed and I shut off. I laid there and didn't sleep or take stock of my day or detox or do any of those things. I closed my eyes and felt nothing and thought nothing. At one point I was trying to reboot myself and was telling myself to open up my eyes, but I literally could not. It wasn't that I was tired. It wasn't that I was sad or down. Maybe I was, but all I felt was nothing. There wasn't really a word to describe it. And instead of feeling refreshed when I did manage to open my eyes and sit up and move and put my feet on the floor... I felt slow to warm up and slow to think and feel again. It was literally like restarting a computer. Maybe not a fast one, but like the one I have. It takes longer than a few seconds for it to be ready to start a web browser or open a program. And sometimes you have to click on it again, like it didn't really get it the first time. I don't know if I've fully warmed up. I have had moments of awake-ness, almost like a jolt of electricity. But I'm pulled down more easily than before. Again not to the pit of despair. But to that numbness again. That feeling of nothingness. But it's not all the moments, so that's at least something. Creative types, writers, get into their head too much. Like I am now, processing things. I actually kind of liked that shut down moment I had, because I'm always thinking and feeling and processing. But it's not good to be there too often and definitely not in the times where you should be present. People both drain me and charge me up. It depends on the person and it definitely depends on if there's more than one person. I definitely am drained by a group. I feel left out and actually invisible, especially when I say something and no one responds, because they didn't hear me because I didn't talk as loudly as the others. But one on one, I can be a chatterbox. I get charged up, passionately talking about my passions. It can depend on the person, because I can definitely not talk or know what to talk about in one on one situations, but usually I'm not terrible at it. I prefer one person, to a group. It's harder to connect with a group, than it is with just one person, I mean obviously. The worst is being a 3rd wheel. I hate that so much. More so with a couple, for obvious reasons, but also with 2 friends. I still manage to get left out or can't chime in with what they are talking about already. Anyways, it is what it is, and I'm getting hungry and just want to move on to turning my brain off. I haven't done it too well tonight.
I bought 3 lotto tickets after work, in a desperate attempt to somewhat "control" my destiny or something, I don't know. All I knew is that I wanted out. Out of my job, my current life, and into a better one, and what better way than by winning the lottery and having the money to do so! Money can buy happiness. In some ways it can. Not all the happiness in the world, but that's impossible anyway. But it can be used to take trips, pay for meditation or yoga classes, pay for therapy or relaxing spa getaways, all great mental health resources and such. It can allow you to spend your time the way you want to, and not worry about having an actual job to make money. There's no job that pays enough money to live on, that I want to do. Nothing. I'd like to walk dogs, and do some kind of volunteer work with elementary school age kids, and go to the gym everyday while everyone's at work. That's what I'd like to do. Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight... and maybe I'll meet someone to share my life with... the odds are the same.