It's funny. For me at least, I was raised to believe in God as The Father, The creator of the Universe and Jesus, his son, died for our sins so that we can be with him in Heaven. AND among many other things, Jesus said in Matthew 21:21 "Then Jesus told them, ' I assure you, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can even say to this mountain- may God lift you up and throw you into the sea, and it will happen. If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Now even as a child I don't think I truly believed this, and children believe everything! How could a mountain that's been there for millions of years (or I guess at that point in time when Jesus said it, maybe not that long), unearth itself and fling itself into the sea? At least without alien space guns involved. It's too impossible to fathom. And for me I think that finding that ONE person to spend my life with in sickness and health, till death do us part, out of the billion people that exist on planet earth (not really looking for an alien partner, although they kick ass in movies), seems about as likely as Pikes Peak being torn off Colorado Springs and throw into some lake somewhere, since there's no oceans around. But if we're talking about this really happening, then I'm sure it can fly hundreds of miles to the nearest ocean, wherever that might be...I'm not good at geography. I only know north, south, east and west when I lived in Colorado Springs because the mountain range served as my compass.
But back to beliefs. Believing in God and Jesus is as innate in me as believing that the sky is blue and we need oxygen to breathe. I was raised in the church since I was born, so just like all the other things we learn as a child- an orange is orange and a cow says moo...it's true facts to me. But when I'm introduced to a totally new way of thinking, that involves an imaginary source of power, energy, light, wavelengths, whatever it is, that the Universe is providing but yet somehow I'm in charge of based on how positive or focused I think, you might as well be speaking to me in Chinese. Even if I had a translator, I still wouldn't be able to pick up on a word I heard before, like I can do with Spanish. Spanish has letters and sounds that I'm capable of making with my mouth...Chinese does not. I feel like I haven't got a clue what's going on. I'm not even sure how to process it all. It's so foreign to me, or maybe I'm too old to learn something like this. I'm set in my ways. I've already learned an orange is orange. So if you painted an orange blue and said now an orange is blue, I wouldn't believe it. I would say, it's just painted. But I'm getting off topic. I WANT to believe that God or the Universe or someone somewhere is directing me on a pathway and in charge. I certainly am not. What's really hard is when you feel your life isn't moving as quickly as you had hoped. You start to feel forgotten, left out, lost and alone. AND in my case, like it's something I'M doing. I'M not positive enough. I'M not sending out the right signals to the Universe. I'M not focusing my energy in just the right spot. OR on the God side of things- I'M not praying hard enough or I'M not a good enough Christian to deserve a like-minded Christian. (I'm a liberal Christian, FYI, I think we're few and far between. There's me..and Kristin Chenoweth).
Whatever the case may be, life is a journey. I am where I am. I am WHO I am. No one person is going to change me, but I can chill, live life, do my job, take care of my friends, spend time with my family, just BE. And who knows what will come from that. I'm not going to magically ever be okay being single without someone to spend my life with. It's how I was made. I think it's how we were all made, but some people (for whatever reasons they might have), decide or accept that they won't find someone. I don't know anything about that because I'm not one of these people. But I believe some people choose to be alone or don't take advantage of that person right in front of them asking them to love them...sorry I digressed into a Julia Roberts movie...whether God or the Universe is listening or helping me or pointing me in the right direction, is beyond me, really. Again this blog isn't about answers. I can just do all that I can do, (like the list I provided), and maybe one day someone will join me on this crazy roller coaster ride of life. If not...I'll just get a dog...
I leave you with this quote from an episode of "Bored to Death" I just so happened to watch today. The main character Jonathan was talking about how visualizing helped him in this situation he was in and he did something he has never done before, nor could he have ever imagined doing, and Ted Danson's characters response, made me laugh: Jonathan: "...it's about visualizing delusional things and then believing in them." George- "but isn't that schizophrenia??"
Disclaimer:
I like this blog because it gives me the freedom to express without rebuttal. I mean, I guess people could comment, but I'm not here to get into some deep psychological debate over the meaning of life or existence of God or the Universe's power or whatever. This is my contemplations. Not answers. So please ponder, but unless you agree or have something positive to add, best to keep your opinions to yourself. wink wink. Thank you kindly.
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