A message for my future love ( and it could be you so please read!) ;o)

Dear future love,
First of all are you even out there? I hope this letter isn't all in vain. I've been writing to you in some shape or form since I was 16 years old. The first time I ever did, was after I saw Dirty Dancing and wanted to dance with someone just like that. I knew I didn't have a thing for Patrick Swayze, but it didn't even occur to me at the time that Baby was who I really wanted. Well I do have a thing for curly hair, (not that you have to hair curly hair, just saying). I actually identified with Frances "Baby" Houseman because I was young and innocent and naive about everything back then. I was dorky like her, carrying a watermelon and snorting when she laughed. I couldn't really dance that well, but with a lover for a trainer, I thought, maybe I could!
I often think if I'm doing enough to find you. Big, social gatherings that are loud, alcohol ridding, smoke filled atmospheres aren't working for me. I can't hear myself talk, let alone another person.
I don't know if you feel me out here waiting for me. I don't know if you are waiting for me to find you too, but I'm here! I'm waving my arms in a sea of people, can't you see me? Do you know I yearn for you? I ache for you. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead. Why aren't you here yet? Where are you? Do you live nearby or are you hundreds of miles away? Why are you taking so long? Please hurry. Stat. I don't want to go another day, I don't want to go another moment without you here by my side. Each day that goes by is a reminder that you aren't here with me and that makes me sad.
I long to know your name. To see your face. To hear your voice talking to me till midnight. To hold your hand in mine. I want to know your heart. What you're passionate about, what makes you tick? The people that changed your life forever, both good and bad? I want to be one of those good ones. I'm ready for you. I'm trying to look for you, but I have a feeling you're not at Target, (where I find myself often), but I'm sure we will go there all the time when we are together, because who doesn't love Target? ;o)
Be careful, be good. Look for me and I will look for you. I don't really look like my blog picture, but you'll know it's me when you meet me. Because we were meant to be together, and the love I have for you and the love you have for me is driving us together, hopefully in a straight line. It's the only thing straight about us. I'm being pulled to you and you being pushed to me. Don't pass me by. I will stop if you do.
all my love,
Christie

And the moral of the story is...

I got a letter from Baylor, my Alma Mater. The first sentence goes, "I am sure it is hard for you to believe that almost 10 years have passed since you were a student at Baylor University." In some ways he's right, I can't believe it. 10 years? It gives me a pang in my stomach thinking about that. What the fuck? I know I have done a lot in 10 years, I've lived in Colorado, moved out there all alone knowing no one, starting a new life there. Not many of my friends I graduated from Baylor with can say that. A lot of them started a new life WITH someone. I've had 3 jobs at 3 different Early Childhood Intervention programs. I've helped gosh 100 babies and their families struggling with and learning of their child's developmental delays and disabilities. Maybe even more, I was never good at math. I practically failed "Math for elementary teachers" at Baylor. True story. I did not know what the hell they were talking about in that class. It made no sense to me. And since I couldn't learn how to break down math and teach it in a different way in that class, I knew it wouldn't be possible out  with the children of the world. I fell in love with ECI at Baylor during my practicum class. I went to smelly homes and sat on disgusting floors, with the cockroaches, but I was teaching a baby the first steps of their life. The first developmental moments, and that felt really good. Changing their life and teaching parents to help their own child. Empowering them (that's a really hard thing to do.) But this blog isn't about my job. I know this last year has been a HUGE transition and life change for me. Coming out to oneself, friends, family, others out there in the world that you interact with is a huge deal. It was exactly one year ago that I began to have feelings for a straight friend and started this long process and journey. A LOT of self reflection, counseling, crying, unsureness, and an amazing weekend last summer at a friend's ranch out in the countryside in the middle of nowhere (all alone with no outside world or media distraction), all were part of my journey I took to get here. And I have amazing friends that in the beginning really allowed me to process this with them with no judgement and just love and acceptance. Jen, Amy, Bekah and Natalie, if you read this, I love you and I am so thankful to have you in my life! Y'all rock.
I don't want to say it. I don't want to say what I'm always thinking. Why am I still alone after 10 years as a real adult in the real world? Why after 10 years has everyone I was friends with at Baylor (and I mean everyone), have a husband that loves them and most even have children? I want them to have all that. I wouldn't change that even if I had the power to control lives. But if I did have the power, I would drive a force out into the universe and draw my love to me. Like a magnet. I would pull her to me. Even when I didn't know I was gay, I would just pull LOVE to me. It could have come in either body. I don't know what I would have done with a male body, it's weird and gross. Lol. But what have you, I would use a literal force of energy like lightening bolts to pull 'em to me. Not in the "laws of attraction" type of way, just in the magical powers like in Harry Potter kind of way. I know a "spell" would be bad, because they wouldn't have a choice to come to me. But maybe just my willpower would send her to where I was, at the exact same moment in time. So we could meet and fall in love and live both happily (and unhappily at times) ever after. Maybe I am pulling her to me slowly. But I wish it was more quickly. It frustrates me to no end that this hasn't happened yet. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I have to be perfect and whole and have the confidence of a lion in order to have someone to love. That's not fair. Not everyone in this world that has someone was like that when they met each other. This lady I met at this group meeting who I swear was like a mind reader or fortune teller or something, totally "read" everyone in the room. After she gave a talk and had watched everyone listen and react to her or even speak up, she went around the room pointed out every one's "flaws" or maybe lets just call them "qualities" that make them who they are. One girl makes jokes because to be serious is too scary. One girl could get walked all over because she's too nice and quiet. And me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I'm very self aware and care too much what people think of me. I have to agree with the first 2 things. But I don't think I really care too much what people think, but I can see how those things can go together. She didn't know that the mere fact that I go to events and groups and social gatherings with people I've never met, is a really huge deal for me. That it was really hard for me to get out there and take a risk with people again, after the extreme loss I felt after college and when Colorado nose dived into the group, socially. I can't say that I even enjoyed 95% of the new groups or events or social gatherings I've tried. Every once in a while I do. I really enjoyed the coming out workshop at church. It was very helpful and supportive and beneficial and I even made a couple new friends from it. Even one that happen to live 4 houses down, how crazy is that?! She's right I'm not comfortable with new people because I don't know them yet. I don't know their personalities, I don't know if they are going to be in my face, abrupt, with no filter and call me weird to my face...true story. It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying to meet people, I keep getting back on the horse. You never know who you might meet, or who might know someone that you need to meet through them. I haven't had ANY success with that yet, and believe me I've asked people...
I feel that I've digressed from where I began, and I apologize for that. I think my head is full of a lot of stuff tonight. Also in the back of my head is saying to me- remember you are going to join match.com and okcupid this weekend! You gotta work on your profile! But then I remember how long and hard I worked on my eharmony one several years ago and no one wanted to talk to me or go out with me, so I think I may just throw this one together and not think too hard on it. I think people only care about pictures anyway. Unfortunately that's the way the world works...
But back to Baylor! Yeah so 10 years is a really long time. In some ways it went by fast, but remembering memories from there...it does seem like a million years ago. When my hair was as short as a boy's and my denim overalls were my favorite outfit to wear. They don't cling to your stomach, how could there be anything better??
A lot DOES happen in 10 years. But it only takes a day or a moment for your life to change. I am thankful that this moment my cat is playing out back and I'm feeling the cool breeze come in through the window and that I'm relaxing in my amazing home decorated to the T exactly the way I want, with pictures and collages and words and COLOR and I don't have to change a single thing if I don't want to! I may not have anyone in my life telling me or showing me they love me on a regular basis. But I do have friends that love me no matter what. I may hardly see them it feels like, but they would be there for me if I needed them...even if it's just in text form. Thank god for text. I mean, seriously. I would be SO much more lonely and full of despair and feelings that no one loves me or cares, if text message hadn't been invented. Even if my friends are busy with life or love or wrangling kids, they can still at some point (most of the time), respond to a text with a kind word or acknowledgement that I still exist. Isn't that what Facebook is about? Reminding the world that we exist. Look at me! Don't forget me! Someone love me! It's all about YOU on your page. Even if you are talking about something other than yourself, it's still something that interests you or explaining how you feel about a certain situation or event.
So I feel like this blog initially started out with ONE focus, but merged into many more topics or focuses. But that's why it's called Christie's contemplations, with a "s." The moral of this story is: come up with your own moral. I'm not a fable book writer! ;o)
And don't forget that even if you're not where you thought you would be, 10 years ago, you've still done a lot and grown a ton and contributed to the world in a million ways. My contribution isn't a couple kids I bore and share a home with, it's a hundred kids! I don't have just one love I see everyday and care for with such focus and intent, but rather many friends I love and care for and would be over at their house in 2 shakes, if they ever needed me to be. I love my godsons as if they were my own children, and my cat as if she was my an actual child. I don't love my friends as if they were my lovers..haha..because if I did the awkwardness would kill the friendship..and now I've killed this blog with that comment. So pretend I ended it before that last comment. And don't forget to still try, and still love, even if it doesn't immediately come back to you or bring that special someone to you, one day it will. One day it'll just happen, and boom. everything is yours. I'm not just talking to the blogosphere..I'm talking to myself. Don't ever give up on love. Love will find a way. I'm pretty sure I stole those lyrics from a song :op 
   

PG-13 love

I want PG-13 love as much as I want X rated love...actually more, in fact. I want the hand holding, lying in bed together with the sheets covering all the good parts. I want lying on the couch fully clothed, talking about life and passionately making out, still fully clothed. Now don't get me wrong, I want all the naked stuff too, but all that stuff comes after all the PG-13 stuff. I want a love that's raw and real and honest. So maybe that part's not PG-13. Why is love so hard to find? It seems like if you didn't find it in college or before you hit about 28, you're pretty much screwed. So what about the people who didn't realize that what they wanted was the opposite of what they thought they always wanted and they were pushing 31 at the time?? What then? Where does that put me? Am I now 21 again, starting over on a different team? I'd like to think that, because then I have all the time in the world. What are the rules? Because I think there are rules. I seem to break all the rules anyway, so maybe it doesn't even matter. Unless you're almost 32, single and have been for 6 and a half years with not so much as a date, just switched sides, and grew up watching way too many Disney and rom-com movies, then you don't get a say it what I'm about to say. I have to find someone to spend my life with, or my life will never be complete. There has to be a reason I'm still single and I haven't figured it out yet. Here are the options: 1) there is something wrong with me that nobody is seeking me out or attracted to me. 2) God does not love me or trust me enough, to give me that special someone to care for to death do us part. 3) the right girl for me is currently in a relationship and therefore not looking for me, so as much as I try I'm not going to find her until she ends it with her current chick. And the worst possibly answer and I hope to God it's not true 4) I am going to be alone forever and never find anyone, because I'm not meant to be with anyone, I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of  my life. I really really hope that the answer is number 3 and not 4. I feel ready. I know who I am, I'm confident, I'm ready to work on a relationship. Maybe I want it too much, but I can't want something less. Do you want your kids less? Do you want your house and your food and your job that pays for everything less? No! This is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm not saying I can never have happy moments without this, because I have a lot of them, all the time, but I would only have more with that forever someone. And I would have sad moments and really tough moments too, I'm not a hopeless romantic idiot. But I know what I need and I do need this kind of love. This PG-13 love and more. Mollie helps, but she's not enough. Maybe having someone won't fill the void, but gosh darnit let me try! 6 and a half years of complete silence and utter lack of love is breaking me down. it's literally killing me. I go to the doctor on Monday and I'm wondering if I should ask if my body seems to be deteriorating from lack of love, because it feels like it. I need the weight of another human being on me. I'm not the kind of person willing to pay for this...well except for massage therapy. But the body goes with the spirit and soul and those would also be fed through the emotional connection of my soul mate, the deep impact of loving each other passionately with all our hearts. Caring about what the other thought about each other and wanting to better ourselves for that person and growing everyday. Showing that person and telling them how much they are appreciated, how much they are loved. I have no one. I can go a whole weekend without any friends checking in with me. I have a text relationship with the majority of my friends due to the fact they don't live near me or they just have more important people to spend their free face to face time with... ie: their own soul mate and or children. I want that. I don't think they deserve it more than me. We don't deserve anything. Love is a gift. I feel like I give it and I get it too from some of my closest friends, but not the consistency and intense level that they are receiving it from their most close loved ones. They ones THEY spend every day face to face with. I know I am blessed. I know I am more blessed than other people out there that barely are getting by. So it's not about what everyone else has, it's about what I need as a human being to survive in this crazy world. Love is everything. To those that have had it for the past 10 years and are the same age as me, you are the most luckiest human beings in the world and I hope you know that. Lucky is the word I choose. Blessed to me means that God would choose to bless some over others with the exact same thing they both want, and I don't like that at all. Lucky is more appropriate. The friends who have found someone that loves them and wants to be in their life everyday, they have won the lottery! Truly! I mean, the odds are about the same, when you look at the entire world as a whole. I don't know the real statistics, but I can only imagine the odds are stacked against us. Or maybe I'm just looking at Hollywood...But look at the ads and commercials. They all involve families. Granted they need to have more same-sex families portrayed in them, JC Penny does have this in their paper ads, but no one really looks at them anymore. But the point is, I think we are drilled into us from the moment we see our first TV show, movie, commercial or ad as a child...we have to find someone to spend our life with and start a family. If you are like me and were raised in the church, this is a much better example. The sad lonely 40 year olds or however old they were when I was a kid, were pitied, because they didn't have the wife/husband and at the very least 2 kids. That's really what the church caters too and thus telling their children they must want exactly this and seek this out. I can tell you right now, I just want ONE kid. Logistically, financially, emotionally, and for my sanity, I just want one. And not alone either! I won't have any if I don't get married. No way hose! (I can't figure out how to do the spanish accent mark) haha. I SO do not want to raise a child by myself, of my own choosing. I literally don't think I could handle it. I think I'd cry every day from lack of alone time. I've been single for 10 years after college and lived alone for the majority of it. Momma's used to her ME time, that's for sure. If I had gotten married right out of college, like so many others, (I would no doubt be really unhappy right now), but I probably would have 3 or 4 kids right now. Maybe I would love having that many kids. I used to want that, but times have changed. I'm too old to have that many, unless I want 3 in diapers, which I DO NOT. Life is funny. Life isn't always PG -13. My life seems pretty G rated (with all the babies I spend my days with for my job)...it's maybe PG on occasion. It gets R-rated when I'm in the car in traffic, or some teeny tiny random thing sets me off at home, but the big things of life I don't cuss at. Maybe that's why I cuss at the small things, the things I think I should be able to control...since I know there's no way in the world I can control the big things of my life. I wish I could. Maybe my next blog post I will write about my vision. The girl I visualize whenever I can, mostly in the car when I'm driving, for some reason. I think maybe because my head is clear on those drives in between home visits. Maybe she will appear like in the movie Ruby Sparks. Only I will not try to control her. I don't try to control people or big things. I know better than that. But how cool would that be if I wrote her and then I met her out in this crazy world. That would be awesome. To be your own rom-com; PG-13...and then eventually R...anything's better than my G rated life. ;o)

Robots and love

I am reminded in this moment that I am NOT a robot. For some reason I am on the brink of crying, or possibly crying, but I don't know why yet and I'm not a big crier and it has been 7 months since I've balled like a baby, but only 2 days since I had to listen to 3 babies in a row scream cry for what seemed like eternity, so maybe I'm wanting to mimic them. Also, robots don't longed to be hugged and cradled like a baby and have someone lay on top of them, just to feel the weight of another body...to tell them that they are not alone, because literally there is someone on top of you right now, so you couldn't possibly be alone. I was thinking back over the summer when I was struggling and there was this moment of break down and all I wanted was to be held, but I had no one. I asked, and still had no one. It was a really tough moment, but like all tough moments, I do get over them. While I think dying from a broken heart and of loneliness is possible; I do think you'd have to be on a desert island like Tom Hanks was in Castaway, when all he had was Wilson, a volleyball. You know you cried when that ball floated away. We all did.
But I was starting to think about becoming a robot. Like not literally. That's weird and freaky and not possible at this moment in time, at least not current human beings becoming robots. But a robot when it comes to love. And again, not a sex robot. I just wanted to not feel anything anymore. At least not when it comes to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and thinking no one is ever going to love me. It's too late for me and so forth. To be a robot and not care if no one loved me just sounded perfect to me. Because then I wouldn't care if I was alone forever. I wouldn't know what I was missing. And I definitely know.
I can't listen to anyone say that I will find someone, because how the hell do they know? And usually they have someone that loves them, themselves, so they just throw shit out there because they are so happy and in love, it's like, sure why not? I did, you will, it's easy, baada bing baada boom. Robots shut down after work, which I pretty much do anyway. I have to in order to survive. But if I was energized by some lovn' (if ya know what I mean) wink wink, I'm sure I wouldn't need to shut down completely. I'm drained with no one to fill me up. Petting Mollie does help and having her little fat body on my chest in the evenings, does help with the whole "weight of someone" on me, but it's not enough and it's not human, so definitely not what I ultimately need. But I love my moll molls and she is definitely a blessing and I am lucky to have her. Even though she continues to bite my hands and I look like Edward scissorhands is my boyfriend.
But when I've been contemplating trying to be a robot and impossibly turning off the "love button" or what have you, since I'm not using it, I'm reminded of WALL-E. Sweet Walls, falling in love with the beautiful and shiny and new EVE, forever changing what we know about the nature of robots. And somehow he managed to get fat people out of floaty chairs, and that's an amazing feat. Oh WALL-E. He was the epitome of loneliness...on a apocalyptic Earth wasteland, all alone, doing menial tasks for what appeared to be no money and what looked like served absolutely no purpose; plus his only friend was a cockroach.  You can't get any lower than that. Yet he loved collecting Earth's trinkets and watching really old musicals, since this movie was set in the far future, and the musical they were watching was like from the 1950s, it was really really old. I'm glad he found love. He's a cartoon drawing, but everyone that wants to find "the one" should have them! People who find that early on in life, meaning their 20s, are the luckiest people on Earth, and they probably don't even know it. For those of us who continue to be single while their same age friends are celebrating 10 year anniversaries, you know what I mean. It seems to me that finding the one is like finding a needle in a haystack. It's nearly impossible. I haven't done the studies on the numbers, but even though I feel alone in my singleness, I'm pretty sure there are far more single people than couples. You are very lucky to find the one for you, that perfect match. It's really not as easy as "joining E-harmony" like they say it is. I like to think that everyone that wants to find the one, will. If you don't want it, well then get out of the way and stop dating our guys and girls, because you are just wasting their time, and mine/ours. Everyone says "oh I met my girlfriend or boyfriend when I stopped looking." That's a load of crap, because you didn't meet them in your sweatpants at Target on a Saturday night. That's where I am "not looking". You "think" you were not looking, but you were. You're brain was tuned in to who was around and who looked interesting and who wanted to talk to you too. You're always "looking," even when you think you're not looking.
So, I'm a human, and not a robot, and that's a good thing. Life is what it is. I can't make anybody fall in love with me and want to spend everyday with me and live with me and build a life and raise a child with me. I could get a robot to do those things, but it wouldn't be because they loved me. It would be because they are programmed to do those things, and no one wants that. Mollie doesn't love me because she has to, and she definitely doesn't show it all the time. But at night she climbs up on my chest to sleep or right up next to me, where a spouse would lay...our backs together, or my arm around her small body. And she licks my nose. I don't have food on it, she just loves me and wants to put her "ownership" on me, and care for me as if I was her very own, which I am. Thank God for giving us animals, like dogs and cats. He could have said, "well you're not getting a partner in love, so suck it and get used to being alone", but instead he said, "well for now here's a dog, or a cat. They will love you until I send you the human companion you so long for." At least that's what I hope he is saying. I texted this question to my church, as they are taking "Questions for God" for sermons. Of course THEY aren't God, so I'm not sure how they are going to answer them...I think it's a ploy to get us to church. But I'm interested to see if they will even address mine. My question for God is this: "Why does God have a mate for some people and not others? Why are some people alone forever and never find anyone to marry them and love them 'till death do you part?' And I'm not talking about the people that choose to be alone. But the ones that want this more than anything, but still never find 'the one.'" It may never have an answer. It's just the way things are. 10 years ago I thought by now I would already be married...to a guy, have 3 kids, a house and a dog, and now I currently have a cat and am looking for a wife and only want one child! I guess the house thing still remains. Who knows what my life will look like 10 years from now? Hopefully I will have everything I want by then. Hopefully being the key word. Or maybe a robot will be invented by then that will mimic love, and I can buy it. I kid I kid... ;o)

Garden State and Me.

Boredom has ensued tonight. And when I'm bored and then something has caused me to fall into a bit of a "numbness" stage, I go to my Garden State Soundtrack. This is THE best movie soundtrack of all time, no argument. It continues to be my #1 favorite movie, and that's saying a lot because I LOVE movies and most people change their top favorite depending on what new movie has come out, or what mood they are in that day. I love how it starts out with Coldplay. And old school Coldplay. The kind of angsty, slightly depressed sounding tone that can play into your sullen mood and give it words. I've just now listened to "Don't Panic" 5 times in a row. It's the song that gives life to my numbness moment. He says "we live in a beautiful world," but does it really sound like he means it? His almost monotone voice tells me he doesn't. Or maybe he's being sarcastic. He says "yeah we do, yeah we do," but  something tells me he doesn't believe they do. The best line however, is the last one..."cuz yeah everybody here's got somebody to lean on." Sure feels like that. Everybody but me. I've got Mollie, but she pushes my face away with her paw which tells me that she doesn't want my endless kisses...which I can't understand why! Ha!
I love this movie. Seriously. It came into my life when I was feeling just like Andrew Largeman. Numb to everything, just going through the motions, living life, but barely living. He was an actor who made everyone believe he was actually mentally challenged in real life, or whatever the word we are supposed to use nowadays; it seems to change everyday. At that point I was playing the part with the babies I work with- a sort of Barney/Mary Poppins character who had to be up up up or they might not respond to me. I rented this movie, watched it, and then bought it and the soundtrack, all in the same day. It was absolutely perfect in every way. It was right before I moved to Colorado, when my life was in stagnant water and not only was nothing changing, I was miserable and in a fake relationship that had "you know better than this and you deserve better" written all over it. It was doing more damage than I realized, and I desperately wanted to get outta dodge, but didn't know how. I was definitely stuck. I felt like Large. He didn't know how to feel, and it took going home and meeting the quirkier and beautiful Natalie Portman's character "Sam," to allow him to finally "feel" again, to cry again and to care about another human being and have that other human being care for him. I love how Sam just put it all out there. Sure she lies in the beginning, but quickly told the truth, and she also isn't afraid to make weird sounds that weren't any form of a language, when presented with an awkward moment. She wasn't ashamed to show him "tickle" her blanket, and have a funeral for a dead hamster named Jelly. It's funny I can still remember every detail of this movie and it's actually been awhile since I've seen it. But I did watch it a lot in the beginning and definitely a couple times every year since. I love how weird and random everyone is. From a "before big bang theory" Jim Parsons, in a medieval times full metal knight armor get-up, to weird Karl at the hardware store that tries to get them to invest in a pyramid scheme and says to Large- "I could've sworn you killed yourself. That wasn't you?" This movie is actually when I really fell in love with Natalie Portman. I had liked her in "Where the heart is," but strictly because they filmed part of it at Baylor, which I thought was way cool. I feel like she was playing herself in this movie, even though that's probably not how she was at the time in real life, I just like to think that, because I related to her quirkiness that is just so random. I loved her realness above anything. And I think it's pretty cool that we were born only 8 days apart. Seeing Garden State made me want to write a screenplay. As weird and meaningful as that one. It wasn't a blockbuster hit, but it meant more to me than any special effects, superhero, extravaganza out there. So many times I listened to Colin Hay's " I just don't think I'll ever get over you," and said yep. I totally get that. I was right there. I felt that way about my first love. But I did get over him, so it is possible, even when you're 100% sure it's not. The one scene I can't handle and wish wasn't in there, is when they are going on a little scavenger hunt for what ends up being his dead mother's necklace, that his old best friend stole off her body as he was one of the people that dug the grave and buried her. The scene takes them behind the walls of a hotel and people are watching prostitutes have sex with people. I have to fast forward through it. It's just too gross and uncalled for, but Zach Braff wanted it all I guess..porn included. I can't pick just one best scene. There are at least 3. One being when they are at the house of a guy that lives in a quarry and Large goes to the top of some excavating equipment and just screams as loud as he can, out into the quarry, wearing a trashbag as a raincoat. He finally lets it all out. No more passive, quiet, withdrawn and "keep everything inside" guy. He says "I'm pissed that my Dad blames me for my mother being in a wheelchair, even though I was a child and it was a freak accident." And "I don't want to live on these dozens of medications my psychiatrist father prescribed for me since that time, for whatever depression and anger he thought I had." It was doing more harm than good. He was seeing what it was like to live and to love and be whoever you are and feel however you feel in that moment. Just be, and not be afraid to feel sad or happy or mad or whatever. The scene in the pool is worth mentioning for the fact that I quoted that line many a time. When I made friends in Colorado that I thought felt at the time like a family to me; family when I was away from family, I told them about this line.  Large: "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone"..."You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." I fucking love that line. I would say to my friends: "maybe that's all a family really is- a group of people that miss the same imaginary place." Now all those people are married and have real families. But I'm still searching for that imaginary place. I love my house and my Mollie, but it is missing one person. I don't think I could fit more than that in this particular house.
The tub scene is also pivotal for Large, as he cries for the first time since he was a child. Talking about his mom and the significance of the necklace, they had been on a scavenger hunt to find, even though he had no idea it was missing. Sam sees the tears coming and saves them in a paper cup to which Large says he'd put them in a scrapbook, if he had one. The ending does have the typical " I realize now I can't leave you" moment and the big kiss. Large decides to stay and not go back to his humdrum actor life in L.A., but he leaves it open by saying "So what do we do?" And I love that that is how it ends. Because people's lives don't end with a kiss at an airport in some pivotal "I can't leave you" moment. It keeps going after that. And he asked a very good question. I don't spend time thinking what they did after that moment. It's a movie, and they are just characters. They didn't do anything. The movie ended. But after every big pivotal moment in my life, it didn't just end. I'm still alive, so the Earth continues to spin and I continue to live in it. I think I do a pretty good job. I don't toss out my morals or my beliefs, to follow the crowd. The crowds head to bars, and while that has nothing to do with morals or beliefs, I just don't like it or feel comfortable with it or being around it much, so I don't! I don't feel bad about that. Sure it doesn't get me invited to hang outs with certain friends most of the time, but that's life and I'm okay with that. I choose to be able to remember the fun times I have and have them sober. While they may look back and say I laughed a lot and I had so much fun, I can tell from experience as the sober one in the same place as them, that nothing was funny nor fun. It was all in their head. The alcohol makes everything seem funny or fun. But no judgement! As long as they're not driving or going home with someone that could murder or rape them, do what you want, I don't care! Hmm...how did I get on that topic?? Who knows, but it needed to be said.  Garden state has drugs and alcohol in it...but it's still my favorite movie...yes that's where I was going with that ;o)
So in conclusion. Garden state rocks. It's the bomb. If you're in your 20s, you'll probably like it. Maybe early 30s. I still love it, but I first saw it when I was 24, and it was a pivotal and perfect time in my life. Maybe it will be for you. Or maybe you won't get it and won't understand how someone could write a really long blog post about it. But my guess is, if you made it this far, then you already love Garden State. And you're thinking, man I need to go watch it again. Unfortunately they are not re-releasing it in 3D like every other movie ever made. Believe me, I wish! If Titanic can be released in 3D, with nothing 3D about it, then so can Garden State. I would pay full price to see it. But don't hold your breath. I think there's a better chance of The Notebook coming out in 3D, than Garden State. And I wouldn't see The Notebook for free. ;o)

There once was a girl. She was a lucky charm. But not the kind that involves anything Irish.

You ever wonder why some people find the one they spend their lives with, in high school, while others live a life of lonliness and don't find anyone until they are much older or even at all? I don't know about you, but I think about this a lot. It certainly isn't fair. It's not like they "deserve" someone. If that was the case wouldn't Mother Teresa and Ghandi have someone?? And I'm pretty sure they were single their whole lifes. I think they chose it, but still. Am I supposed to act like it's fine, I don't need anyone, I can be alone forever? Because then I'll either start to believe it and have a wonderful life without someone, or because I'm so cool and collected, this awards me a person to spend my life with. Congrats you passed the test! yeah, sorry I don't like any of those options. I'm certainly tired of being everyone else's lucky charm. I'm tired of being that ugly rabbit foot that you're not quite sure is a real rabbit or not, but it's creepy and yet somehow magical at the same time. It seems like everyone I become friends with finds someone before me! It's totally unfair. And it's gone on long enough. I'm gonna stop befriending single people and only be friends with married people, or at least people in serious relationships. Maybe their good luck will rub off on me for a change. Of course it's a Catch 22, as thier time is more limited, than those of single people, so it will be a challenge to hang out with them. Or maybe it's not that I'm a good luck charm. It's that they are a typical 20-30 something, who dates people, goes out on dates, is in the dating scene, and I'm the freak that hasn't had any love in over 6 years. No dates. Nothing. That's not normal, I know. But it is what it is. I don't think I'm picky. I have recenly changed teams. To the team I was always supposed to be on, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't feel new to me. It feels like where I should've always been and now that I'm here I expect results now. This minute. I've waited long enough. And that's not how it's working for me. Unfortunatly. Maybe that's not how it works for anyone, but it feels like people get results a lot quicker than the turtle pace I move at. I'm smart and educated and very loyal and caring. I take care of babies and help parents and care for my friends and family and I feel like I help people to not be afraid to get out there and try things, and I'm not asking for a cookie, but I do want what they all seem to find. Love. A different love than a friend can provide. Why doesn't it happen for me? Is there something wrong with me that I'm not seeing? (This is rhetorical, none of you are qualified to answer this). haha ;o)
It plagues me sometimes. It angers me. It makes me think God hates me or enjoys shoving the love of others in my face every single day. He gets a kick out of it. Ha ha look what they have now and you don't! I don't care if that sounds childish. I don't care if you're like, there are bigger problems in the world and people are facing cancer and joblessness and hunger everyday. Finding the one to make your heart whole again is at the bottom of a long list. I know that. But this is what's most important to me. I don't want it to be my 'cross to bear' for my whole life. If I have to have a cross to bear, I'd like it to be something else. I mean, we all have things we struggle with, but this seems to be the theme of my whole life and I don't like that. Can I choose something else? I'm like enough is enough. Can I get an AMEN child??! It's just the way it goes I suppose. I don't know what else I can do. I do the best I can to meet people, but it's definitely hard when you don't fit in with the typical 20-30 something person. Bars and clubs are not me. Alcohol is not something I like or want to participate in and I wish I didn't have to be around intoxicated people ever, but I do, because it's impossible to make a group of friends that don't drink. I don't think that exists, unless you're Mormon, which I am not.
I enjoy laughing and having fun, soberly. Sober fun and games. There's nothing wrong with that. It is possible, even if you disagree with me. I remember the fun times...do you? those that drink a lot? Anyways, this isn't a PSA about alcohol intake. Everyone is entitled to do what they want as long as they don't hurt others, which I think is a dicey game when involving large amounts of alcohol. So good luck with that.
Ok. I've hit a wall. I apologize if this isn't going anywhere. It was a contemplation moment. It's what I'm processing tonight. Hopefully it made some sort of sense. If not, well hopefully I didn't waste too much of your time. But when it comes to the whens and whys of love, there are no answers. Sometimes you hit a wall. Sometimes there are no explanations. It is what it is. It seems like people are meeting and connecting every day...finding that one person to love. But in reality, the odds are extremely low that this person exists and that it really is forever. Couples don't die together in bed when they're old like in "The Notebook." I think that's what happened. I'm not sure, I saw it once, years ago and didn't like it. Give me quirky a quirky rom com any day, not that dramatic love conquers all, mushy BS. lol! alright. off to bed. The end. And they all lived happily ever after...

Love...and tandem bikes.

I was just looking at pics of my godsons. One in particular of the youngest, laughing for the first time. 2 months old, and actually laughing, and his "sissy" made him laugh. I love them so much. I had just met baby Ryder that weekend, as my bestie had moved almost 8 hours away. I was there for the big 2 year old's birthday. it was incredible. sharing that with them, with him. He calls me "sissy." He wouldn't imitate Auntie and Christie is too hard and too formal. I am more to him than a name people I'm not close with call me everyday. I remember when my little sister was young, she would call me sissy, not for sister, but actually her trying to say Christie, so we tried it and it took off! he asks for me all the time and I send him videos of me reading children's books to him. He obviously remembers me and loves me, the videos are for fun and lets mom take a shower while he watches them. I've even been the cause of a tantrum. Because he didn't want to turn the computer off. he wanted to "watch sissy." I've never been happier for a tantrum. I can't wait to see him and his baby bro in Destin in a month. Just me, my bestie and my boys. Not only have I never seen blue water and white sand, I've never been to the beach with Sky, so I'm definitely looking forward to seeing that joy and shrieks of excitement when he sees that big 'ol sand box. And although he was talking at his birthday, he's talking even more now and in short sentences, so I can't wait to hear him. His voice is like the sweetest sound in the world.
As much as I love my godsons more than any other kids in the world, I long for my own. I don't know if I'll ever have them. I don't know if I'll give birth to a child that is half me and half...or if I'll adopt a child and called them my own. I used to want 4. Now I would give anything for just 1. Life is funny. You think you're life is going to be: married to a guy at 22, house, dog, a couple of kids. And instead it's the opposite of that: single, gay, half a house (rented duplex), cat and no kids! Does God have a sense of humor or what?! Is he playing a joke on me, or is my life perfect because it is exactly where I'm supposed to be? I have some more friends now. Instead of losing friends when I came out, I gained new friends. Friends are awesome. Bekah, (my bestie and Mom of my godsons), is more than a friend to me. She's a sister. She knows what I'm going to say before I say it. I only get to see her every few months, yet our friendship grows all the time. It's stronger through marriage and 2 kids and many moves on their part. Now who can really say that about their friends? When someone gets married and has kids, or even sometimes just a boyfriend, they kind of fall off the face of the earth for the most part. Maybe they kind of bleed through like a vision from another timeline...sorry I've been watching too much "Fringe." But whatever the case, the relationship changes and weakens. I feel pretty blessed that we're still close. I still wish we could talk more and see each other more, but our texts are much appreciated. Texting is underrated I think. People are like, it's not real human connection. It's not real emotion, or what have you. Well, is this blog I'm writing real? Do you feel my emotion? I think so. If you're a good writer at conveying thoughts on paper, then I think you can have an amazing relationship through text. You've had to of met the person first and had a face to face friendship, most of the time, to make it really work, but sometimes I think I make more sense in text. I can process better through my fingers than I can when someone is staring at me. I don't think I have Asperger's, but I don't really look at people too well in the eye when I talk to them, and my voice most definitely doesn't carry in a loud room like a club or bar. Just forget me talking, it's like I'm a ghost. Not to mention I don't drink anyway, so those places are lost on me. I also sometimes stumble on words, or forget basic words, like that thing, that's a thing with the thing. I say that a lot. That word was lawn mower, by the way. See what I mean?

Friends are great. Godsons are great. Best friends and cats named Mollie are even more great. But you know what would be incredibly amazingly wonderful? If right now, there was someone sitting in  my living room watching TV. Or in the bed next to me reading and asking when I'll be done typing, because the key sound is driving her crazy! That's what would be the best of greatest. I have a list going of up to 20 things so far, that I want to do when I get a girlfriend. Silly things like tandem bike riding, or picnics at White rock, hot air balloon rides and laying out and watching the stars on my front lawn. I can do a lot of things alone, and I do, but some things are meant for a significant other. Some things are meant for a love to do them with. For someone who is not there through text, or the phone, or occasional face to face time a few hours one day. But someone that you see practically every day, or every day at some point in the day, when you've made it to the living together stage! Sure we have work and I need my "me" time like nobody's business, but I long for intense face to face love. holding hands and staring into the eyes of the one beside me, where our noses touch. I mean, do you think I'm getting that with my friends? Of course not. We're not "that" kind of friends. One day. I tell myself, one day. I have this picture of a rainbow I found at Michael's and it says "somewhere." I'm guessing it meant "somewhere over the rainbow" since the word somewhere is literally over the rainbow. But I added to it in stickers. I put above it, "It's a beautiful day." then is says somewhere. and I put under it "True love waits for me." If I don't believe that true love is waiting for me somewhere, then what has all this been for? What would be the point of going through all this with myself and the struggle and understanding and coming to terms and coming out. Why? It has to be because my person, my love, is out there, and it's a girl, and if I wasn't looking for that, then I would walk right by her and not give her a second look. She wouldn't even be on my radar. I have to believe that all those letters I've written to my future love that I was gonna marry, were not in vain. They were meant for someone to read. They aren't meant to sit in a shoebox, sealed and taped up. I haven't read them since I wrote them, and I started writing them when I was 16. I'm coming up on 32, and although I don't understand why I'm still alone, maybe now I'm on the right path to meet the one. She's out there. She's close. I can feel her. Hopefully we will cross paths soon. Because Momma's getting antsy. And one of the things on that list I most definitely can't do by myself, and I'm not talking about the tandem bike ride. If anyone reads this and feels inclined to pray or send out positive vibes or a message to the great void for me, please do so. Say these words with me: "Please send Christie's one great love to her. In human form. In "true love meant to be together forever" form. She thanks you for her friends, family, godsons, dogs and cats, but she's ready for that one to spend her life with, and that they may live together forever in the same house. And get married and have as many children as they want, and in whatever form they want to have them in. Amen, peace out, thank you mother earth." And thank YOU for all that read this and said that last part and meant it. Even if I don't know you. I appreciate it. I believe everyone who really wants someone to share their everyday life with and who wants to work on a relationship and views it as realistically as I do (I don't have blinders on, I know it's very hard), should have it! No one "deserves" to have that committed partner in love. It's a gift, but it's a gift many have and I want more than anything. How else will I ride a tandem bike? ;o)